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Look Out For Them Lobsters
by
Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied. By-and-by, “a middle-aged lady,” in front of the deacon, began to fussle about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great amplitude of her drapery, and look after something “bothering” her feet. In front of the lady, sat a slab -sided genus dandy, fat as a match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog, with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his master’s neck-choker; this canine gave an awful–
” Ihk! ow, yow! yow-oo–yow, ook! yow! yow! YOW!”
“Lor’ a massy!” cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her!
“Yow- ook! Yow- ook! ” yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp of the juvenile Mantillini, and dashing himself on to the head and shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized Irishman, who made “no bones” in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out:
“Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil mad ?”
“Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!” cries an anxious mother.
“O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!” cries another.
“Whur-r-r-r! ye divil! ” cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious yell.
“Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!”
“Murder! mur-r-r-der!” bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon, leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously.
“What on airth’s loose?” exclaims one.
“Halloo! what’s that?” cries another, hastily vacating his seat and crowding towards the door.
“O dear, O! O!” anxiously cries a delicate young lady.
“What? who? where?” screamed a dozen at once.
“Good conscience! ” exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper, in the midst of the din–noise and confusion; and with a most singular and spasmodic effort to dance a ” high land fling,” he hustled out of his seat, exclaiming:
“Good conscience, I really believe they’re out.”
“Eh? What–what’s out?” cries one.
“Snakes!” echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.
“Snappin’ turtles, Mister?” inquire several.
“Snakes!” cried a dozen.
“Snappers!” echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.
“Snapper-r-r-r-rs!”
“Snake-e-e-es!” O what a din!
“Halloo! here, what’s all this? What’s the matter?” says the conductor, coming to the rescue.
“That man’s got snakes in the car!” roar several at once.
“And snappin’ turtles, too, consarn him!” says one, while all eyes were directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the astonished deacon.
“Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I’m bitten clear through my boot–catch them, Mr. Swallow!” cries the deacon.
“Swallow ’em, Mr. Catcher!” echoes the frightened dandy.
“What? where?” says the excited conductor, looking around.
“Here, here, in under these seats, sir,– my lobsters, sir,” says the deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane get at the reptiles, as the latter insisted.
“Darn ’em, are they only lobsters!”
“Pooh! Lobsters!” says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents!
“Come out here!” says the conductor, feeling for them.
“Take care!” says the deacon, “the plaguy things have got their pins out!”
“Why, they are alive, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,–take care, Mr. Swaller–he’s cross as sin!” says the man with the cane–“wasn’t that a snap ? Take care! You got him?” that indefatigable assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane.
“I’ve got them!” cries the conductor.
“Put them in the bag, here, sir,” says the deacon.
“Take them out of this car!” cries everybody.
“Plaguy things,” says the deacon. “I sha’n’t never buy another live lobster! “
Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the Irishman, at “the last stopping place,” in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of whiskey in lieu of the dandy’s dog.