FullReads

‘Your mind is opening, Ixion. You will soon be a man of the world. To the left, and keep clear of that star.’

‘Who lives there?’

‘The Fates know, not I. Some low people who are trying to shine into notice. ‘Tis a parvenu planet, and only sprung into space within this century. We do not visit them.’

‘Poor devils! I feel hungry.’

‘All right. We shall get into Heaven by the first dinner bolt. You cannot arrive at a strange house at a better moment. We shall just have time to dress. I would not spoil my appetite by luncheon. Jupiter keeps a capital cook.’

‘I have heard of Nectar and Ambrosia.’ ‘Poh! nobody touches them. They are regular old-fashioned celestial food, and merely put upon the side-table. Nothing goes down in Heaven now but infernal cookery. We took our chef from Proserpine.’

‘Were you ever in Hell?’

‘Several times. ‘Tis the fashion now among the Olympians to pass the winter there.’ ‘Is this the season in Heaven?’ ‘Yes; you are lucky. Olympus is quite full.’ ‘It was kind of Jupiter to invite me.’ ‘Ay! he has his good points. And, no doubt, he has taken a liking to you, which is all very well. But be upon your guard. He has no heart, and is as capricious as he is tyrannical.’

‘Gods cannot be more unkind to me than men have been.’

‘All those who have suffered think they have seen the worst. A great mistake. However, you are now in the high road to preferment, so we will not be dull. There are some good fellows enough amongst us. You will like old Neptune.’ ‘Is he there now?’

‘Yes, he generally passes his summer with us. There is little stirring in the ocean at that season.’ ‘I am anxious to see Mars.’

‘Oh! a brute, more a bully than a hero. Not at all in the best set. These mustachioed gentry are by no means the rage at present in Olympus. The women are all literary now, and Minerva has quite eclipsed Venus. Apollo is our hero. You must read his last work.’

‘I hate reading.’

‘So do I. I have no time, and seldom do anything in that way but glance at a newspaper. Study and action will not combine.’

‘I suppose I shall find the Goddesses very proud?’

‘You will find them as you find women below, of different dispositions with the same object. Venus is a flirt; Minerva a prude, who fancies she has a correct taste and a strong mind; and Juno a politician. As for the rest, faint heart never won fair lady; take a friendly hint, and do not be alarmed.’

‘I fear nothing. My mind mounts with my fortunes. We are above the clouds. They form beneath us a vast and snowy region, dim and irregular, as I have sometimes seen them clustering upon the horizon’s ridge at sunset, like a raging sea stilled by some sudden supernatural frost and frozen into form! How bright the air above us, and how delicate its fragrant breath! I scarcely breathe, and yet my pulses beat like my first youth. I hardly feel my being. A splendour falls upon your presence. You seem, indeed, a God! Am I so glorious? This, this is Heaven!’

The travellers landed on a vast flight of sparkling steps of lapis-lazuli. Ascending, they entered beautiful gardens; winding walks that yielded to the feet, and accelerated your passage by their rebounding pressure; fragrant shrubs covered with dazzling flowers, the fleeting tints of which changed every moment; groups of tall trees, with strange birds of brilliant and variegated plumage, singing and reposing in their sheeny foliage, and fountains of perfumes.

Before them rose an illimitable and golden palace, with high spreading domes of pearl, and long windows of crystal. Around the huge portal of ruby was ranged a company of winged genii, who smiled on Mercury as he passed them with his charge.

‘The Father of Gods and men is dressing,’ said the son of Maia. ‘I shall attend his toilet and inform him of your arrival. These are your rooms. Dinner will be ready in half an hour. I will call for you as I go down. You can be formally presented in the evening. At that time, inspired by liqueurs and his matchless band of wind instruments, you will agree with the world that AEgiochus is the most finished God in existence.’