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If It Ain’t Right, I’ll Make It All Right In The Morning!
by
Don Caesar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked, he assured the servants–“All right; if it ain’t all right, we’ll make it all right in the morning! “
And so Don Caesar and his bon vivant friends went it, until some two dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Caesar, to politely request that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.
“What’s that?” says the Don; “speak loud, I’ve got a buzzing in my ears, and can’t hear whispers.”
“Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir,” replies the servant, in a sharp key.
“Well, what the deuce of Tompkins–hic–what does he–hic–does he want? Tell–hic–tell him it’s–hic–all right, or we’ll make it all right–hic– in the morning.”
Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up to Don Caesar, assured him that himself and friends were a little too merry, but Don Caesar assured Tompkins–
“It’s all–hic–right, mi boy, all–hic–right; these gentlemen–hic–are all gentlemen, my–hic–personal friends–hic–and it’s all right–hic–all perfectly–hic–right, or we’ll make it all right in the morning.”
“That we do not question, sir,” says the clerk, “but there are many persons in the adjoining rooms whom you’ll disturb, sir; I speak for the credit of the house.”
“O–hic–certainly, certainly, mi boy; I’ll–hic–I’ll speak to the gentlemen,” says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep; “Gentlemen–hic– gentle men, I’m requested to state–hic–that–hic–a very serious piece of intelligence–hic–has met my ear. This gentle man–hic–says somebody’s dead in the next–hic–room.”
“Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir,” says the clerk.
“Beg–hic–your pardon, sir–hic–it’s all right; if it ain’t all right, I’ll make it–hic– all right in the morning! Gentlemen, let’s–hic–us all adjourn; let’s change the see–hic–scene, call a coach–hic–somebody, let’s take a ride–hic–and return and go to–hic–our pious–hic–rest.”
Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Caesar arose on his pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land cruise. The last words uttered by Don Caesar, there, as the coach drove off, were:
“All right–hic–mi boy, if it ain’t, we’ll make it all right in the morning! “
“Yes, that we will,” says the landlord, “and if I don’t stick you into a bill of costs ‘ in the morning,’ rot me. You’ll have a nice time,” he continued, “out carousing till daylight; lucky I’ve got his wallet in the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, and I’d lose my bill! “
Don Caesar did not return to make good his promise in the morning, and so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo! and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:–“All right, if it ain’t all right, WE’LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!”