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I am only a primer to teach you to spel,
Which is something that nobody does very wel.
A sweet little primer,
A dear little primer,
Sing hel, bel, tel, fel, sel, nel, quel, swel and smel.

I felt, let me confess it, annoyed the next day on returning from my walk to find a new method of suggestion, in great charcoal letters, on the white marble of my house-front:–

Such nuisances as
Solemn Comptroller and Wednesday
are preventing
THE KING OF SIAM
from learning English

Nor was my annoyance decreased by the further announcement that defaced my house-front upon the day following:–

MILLIONS OF SCHOOL CHILDREN
turn away weeping from
PEOPLE MANUOEVRE DIAPHRAGM

Much should be conceded to the man who is fighting for his Immortality, as was Masticator; but not too much. And displeasure, it may fairly be said, began to rise in me, when I found, next morning, a page of the primer introduced in the midst of my index:–

Of the bad English spelling you’ll surely beware,
When you notice how stair, pear and heir rhyme with there;
The sad English spelling,
The mad English spelling,
Sing hi! for the mare and the mayor and the prayer.

Next consider, for instance, a word like enhearsed:
Now what business has it to be rhyming with first?
Sing hi! the old spelling,
The horrible spelling,
The spelling of nursed and of versed and of worst.

But our simplified speling can cure every il,
And permits nothing foolish like two l’s in pil.
Sing hi! the new speling,
Our comforting speling,
Sing pil, bil, fil, wil, til, sil, quil, spil.

Yes, Masticator was going too far–and how had he managed to tamper with my index? I rang the bell, and questioned my man Edward sharply. He knew nothing of it, nor did the housemaid, whom I also questioned sharply. And I trusted I should be less harassed on the morrow.

At the first pause which exhaustion brought, Masticator B. Fellows was perceived to be looking on quietly.

“Gentlemen,” he said, “dear friends” (and these words stopped everything), “I am well pleased with what you have accomplished. I expected results, and I have got them. The surgeon awaits you in the House of Bandages.”

No serious wounds were found; but also no scholar was found to be upon speaking terms with any other. By the generosity of Masticator each was sent home separately in a private car, on a special train, with plenty of chickle.

Masticator had created all the publicity that he desired. New students swarmed in armies to his University, and he presently issued a billion more shares of Chickle common. The press of the whole country rang with the enterprise.

SIMPLE SPELLERS WED

was one of the first headlines that greeted me upon my homeward journey. Yes; Jesse Willows and Gertrude Appleby were the exceptions; these two scholars had gone away in the same car together to their honeymoon, while I returned lonely to the index of my forthcoming volume.

Heigho!