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"George Washington’s" Last Duel
by
So intent was he on relieving himself of the burden on his mind that he did not hear the door softly open, and did not know any one had entered until an enthusiastic voice behind him exclaimed:
“Oh! what a profound observation!” George Washington started in much confusion; for it was Miss Jemima, who had stolen away from the table to intercept him at his task of “fixing the fires.” She had, however, heard only his concluding sentence, and she now advanced with a beaming smile intended to conciliate the old butler. George Washington gave the hearth a final and hasty sweep, and was retiring in a long detour around Miss Jemima when she accosted him.
“Uncle George.”
“Marm.” He stopped and half turned.
“What a charming old place you have here!”
George Washington cast his eye up towards the old gentleman in the high-backed chair, as much as to say, “You see there? What did I tell you?” Then he said briefly:
“Yes, ‘m.”
“What is its extent? How many acres are there in it?”
George Washington positively started. He took in several of the family in his glance of warning.
“Well, I declare, marm, I don’t know,” he began; then it occurring to him that the honor of the family was somehow at stake and must be upheld, he added, “A leetle mo’ ‘n a hundred thousan’, marm.” His exactness was convincing. Miss Jemima threw up her hands:
“Prodigious! How many nee—- how many persons of the African blood are there on this vast domain?” she inquired, getting nearer to her point.
George, observing how much she was impressed, eyed her with rising disdain:
“Does you mean niggers, m’m? ‘Bout three thousan’, mum.”
Another exclamation of astonishment burst from the old lady’s lips.
“If you will permit me to inquire, Uncle George, how old are you?”
“She warn see if I kin wuck–dat’s what she’s after,” said George to himself, with a confidential look at a young gentleman in a hunting dress on the wall between two windows. Then he said:
“Well, I declare, mum, you got me dyah. I ixpec’ I is mos ninety years ole, I reckon I’se ol’er ‘n you is–I reckon I is.”
“Oh!” exclaimed Miss Jemima with a little start as if she had pricked her finger with a needle.
“Marse Nat kin tell you,” continued George; “if you don’t know how ole you is, all you got to do is to ax him, an’ he kin tell you–he got it all set down in a book–he kin tell how ole you is to a day.”
“Dear, how frightful!” exclaimed Miss Jemima, just as the Major entered somewhat hastily.
“He’s a gone coon,” said George Washington through the crack of the door to the old gentleman in ruffles, as he pulled the door slowly to from the outside.
The Major had left the young people in the dining-room and had come to get a book to settle a disputed quotation. He had found the work and was trying to read it without the ignominy of putting on his glasses, when Miss Jemima accosted him.
“Major, your valet appears to be a very intelligent person.”
The Major turned upon her.
“My ‘valet’! Madam! I have no valet!”
“I mean your body servant, your butler”–explained Miss Jemima. “I have been much impressed by him.”
“George!–George Washington?–you mean George Washington! No, madam, he has not a particle of intelligence.–He is grossly and densely stupid. I have never in fifty years been able to get an idea into his head.”
“Oh, dear! and I thought him so clever! I was wondering how so intelligent a person, so well informed, could be a slave.”
The Major faced about.
“George! George Washington a slave! Madam, you misapprehend the situation. He is no slave. I am the slave, not only of him but of three hundred more as arrogant and exacting as the Czar, and as lazy as the devil!”
Miss Jemima threw up her hands in astonishment, and the Major, who was on a favorite theme, proceeded:
“Why, madam, the very coat on my back belongs to that rascal George Washington, and I do not know when he may take a fancy to order me out of it. My soul is not my own. He drinks my whiskey, steals my tobacco, and takes my clothes before my face. As likely as not he will have on this very waistcoat before the week is out.”