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Father Matthew
by
“In order that they may make no mistake, the old women come and consult Matthew.
“‘For diseases of the ear which saint is the best?’
“‘Why, Saint Osyme is good and Saint Pamphilius is not bad.’ But that is not all.
“As Matthew has some time to spare, he drinks; but he drinks like a professional, with conviction, so much so that he is intoxicated regularly every evening. He is drunk, but he is aware of it. He is so well aware of it that he notices each day his exact degree of intoxication. That is his chief occupation; the chapel is a secondary matter.
“And he has invented–listen and catch on–he has invented the ‘Saoulometre.’
“There is no such instrument, but Matthew’s observations are as precise as those of a mathematician. You may hear him repeating incessantly: ‘Since Monday I have had more than forty-five,’ or else ‘I was between fifty-two and fifty-eight,’ or else ‘I had at least sixty-six to seventy,’ or ‘Hullo, cheat, I thought I was in the fifties and here I find I had had seventy-five!’
“He never makes a mistake.
“He declares that he never reached his limit, but as he acknowledges that his observations cease to be exact when he has passed ninety, one cannot depend absolutely on the truth of that statement.
“When Matthew acknowledges that he has passed ninety, you may rest assured that he is blind drunk.
“On these occasions his wife, Melie, another marvel, flies into a fury. She waits for him at the door of the house, and as he enters she roars at him:
“‘So there you are, slut, hog, giggling sot!’
“Then Matthew, who is not laughing any longer, plants himself opposite her and says in a severe tone:
“‘Be still, Melie; this is no time to talk; wait till to-morrow.’
“If she keeps on shouting at him, he goes up to her and says in a shaky voice:
“‘Don’t bawl any more. I have had about ninety; I am not counting any more. Look out, I am going to hit you!’
“Then Melie beats a retreat.
“If, on the following day, she reverts to the subject, he laughs in her face and says:
“‘Come, come! We have said enough. It is past. As long as I have not reached my limit there is no harm done. But if I go, past that I will allow you to correct me, my word on it!'”
We had reached the top of the hill. The road entered the delightful forest of Roumare.
Autumn, marvellous autumn, blended its gold and purple with the remaining traces of verdure. We passed through Duclair. Then, instead of going on to Jumieges, my friend turned to the left and, taking a crosscut, drove in among the trees.
And presently from the top of a high hill we saw again the magnificent valley of the Seine and the winding river beneath us.
At our right a very small slate-covered building, with a bell tower as large as a sunshade, adjoined a pretty house with green Venetian blinds, and all covered with honeysuckle and roses.
“Here are some friends!” cried a big voice, and Matthew appeared on the threshold. He was a man about sixty, thin and with a goatee and long, white mustache.
My friend shook him by the hand and introduced me, and Matthew took us into a clean kitchen, which served also as a dining-room. He said:
“I have no elegant apartment, monsieur. I do not like to get too far away from the food. The saucepans, you see, keep me company.” Then, turning to my friend:
“Why did you come on Thursday? You know quite well that this is the day I consult my Guardian Saint. I cannot go out this afternoon.”
And running to the door, he uttered a terrific roar: “Melie!” which must have startled the sailors in the ships along the stream in the valley below.