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PAGE 4

Daniel And The Devil
by [?]

“Have you anything for me to do today?” asked the Devil, one morning. He had grown to be a very meek and courteous devil; steady employment in righteous causes had chastened him to a degree and purged away somewhat of the violence of his nature. On this particular morning he looked haggard and ill,–yes, and he looked, too, as blue as a whetstone.

“I am not feeling robust,” explained the Devil. “To tell the truth, I am somewhat ill.”

“I am sorry to hear it,” said Daniel; “but as I am not conducting a sanitarium, I can do nothing further than express my regret that you are ailing. Of course our business relations do not contemplate any interchange of sympathies; still I’ll go easy with you to-day. You may go up to the house and look after the children; see that they don’t smoke cigarettes, or quarrel, or tease the cat, or do anything out of the way.”

Now that was fine business for the Devil to be in; but how could the Devil help himself? He was wholly at Daniel’s mercy. He went groaning about the humiliating task.

The crash came at last. It was when the Devil informed Daniel one day that he was n’t going to work for him any more.

“You have ruined my business,” said the Devil, wearily. “A committee of imps waited upon me last night and told me that unless I severed my connection with you a permanent suspension of my interests down yonder would be necessitated. While I have been running around doing your insane errands my personal business has gone to the dogs–I would n’t be at all surprised if I were to have to get a new plant altogether. Meanwhile my reputation has suffered; I am no longer respected, and the number of my recruits is daily becoming smaller. I give up,–I can make no further sacrifice.”

“Then you are prepared to forfeit your bond?” asked Daniel.

“Not by any means,” replied the Devil. “I propose to throw the matter into the courts.”

“That will hardly be to your interest,” said Daniel, “since, as you well know, we have recently elected honest men to the bench, and, as I recollect, most of our judges are members in good standing of the church we built some years ago!”

The Devil howled with rage. Then, presently, he began to whimper.

“For the last time,” expostulated Daniel, “let me remind you that sentiment does not enter into this affair at all. We are simply two business parties cooeperating in a business scheme. Our respective duties are exactly defined in the bonds we hold. You keep your contract and I’ll keep mine. Let me see, I still have a margin of thirteen years.”

The Devil groaned and writhed.

“They call me a dude,” whimpered the Devil.

“Who do?” asked Daniel.

“Beelzebub and the rest,” said the Devil. “I have been trotting around doing pious errands so long that I ‘ve lost all my sulphur-and-brimstone flavor, and now I smell like spikenard and myrrh.”

“Pooh!” said Daniel.

“Well, I do,” insisted the Devil. “You’ve humiliated me so that I hain’t got any more ambition. Yes, Daniel, you’ve worked me shamefully hard!”

“Well,” said Daniel, “I have a very distinct suspicion that when, thirteen years hence, I fall into your hands I shall not enjoy what might be called a sedentary life.”

The Devil plucked up at this suggestion. “Indeed you shall not,” he muttered. “I’ll make it hot for you!”

“But come, we waste time,” said Daniel. “I am a man of business, and I cannot fritter away the precious moments parleying with you. I have important work for you. Tomorrow is Sunday; you are to see that all the saloons are kept closed.”

“I sha’n’t–I won’t!” yelled the Devil.

“But you must,” said Daniel, firmly.

“Do you really expect me to do that?” roared the Devil. “Do you fancy that I am so arrant a fool as to shut off the very feeders whereby my hungry hell is supplied? That would be suicidal!”

“I don’t know anything about that,” said Daniel; “I am a business man, and by this business arrangement of ours it is explicitly stipulated–“

“I don’t care what the stipulations are!” shrieked the Devil. “I’m through with you, and may I be consumed by my own fires if ever again I have anything to do with a business man!”

The upshot of it all was that the Devil forfeited his bond, and by this act Daniel was released from every obligation unto the Devil, and one thousand and one souls were ransomed from the torture of the infernal fires.