FullReads

F.–You have said enough; there would be war.

* * * * *

SOLDIER.–Why wear a cap and bells?

FOOL.–I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange them.

S.–For what?

F.–A helmet and feather.

S.–G “hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs.”

F.–‘T is only wisdom should be bound in calf.

S.–Why?

F.–Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef.

S.–Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin?

F.–Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is–the naked truth.

S.–How should it?

F.–You would soon strip off its hide to make harness and trappings withal. No one thinks how much conquerors owe to cows.

* * * * *

FOOL.–Tell me, hero, what is strategy?

SOLDIER.–The art of laying two knives against one throat.

F.–And what are tactics?

S.–The art of driving them home.

F.–Supermundane lexicographer!

S.–I’ll bust thy crust! (Attempts to draw his sword, gets it between his legs, and falls along.)

F. (from a distance)–Shall I summon an army, or a sexton? And will you have it of bronze, or marble?

* * * * *

FOOL.–When you have gained a great victory, how much of the glory goes to the horse whose back you bestrode?

SOLDIER.–Nonsense! A horse cannot appreciate glory; he prefers corn.

F.–And this you call non-appreciation! But listen. (Reads) “During the Crusades, a part of the armament of a Turkish ship was two hundred serpents.” In the pursuit of glory you are at least not above employing humble auxiliaries. These be curious allies.

S.–What stuff a fool may talk! No true soldier would pit a serpent against a brave enemy. These worms were sailors.

F.–A nice distinction, truly! Did you ever, my most acute professor of vivisection, employ your trenchant blade in the splitting of hairs?

S.–I have split masses of them.

* * * * *

FOOL.–Speaking of the Crusades: at the siege of Acre, when a part of the wall had been thrown down by the Christians, the Pisans rushed into the breach, but the greater part of their army being at dinner, they were bloodily repulsed.

SOLDIER.–You appear to have a minute acquaintance with military history.

F.–Yes–being a fool. But was it not a sin and a shame that those feeders should not stir from their porridge to succour their suffering comrades?

S.–Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a friend?

F.–But they might have taken and sacked the city.

S.–The selfish gluttons!

* * * * *

SOLDIER.–Your presumption grows intolerable; I’ll hold no further parley with thee.

FOOL.–“Herculean gentleman, I dread thy drubs; pity the lifted whites of both my eyes!”

S.–Then speak no more of the things you do but imperfectly understand.

F.–Such censorship would doom all tongues to silence. But show me wherein my knowledge is deficient.

S.–What is an abattis?

F.–Rubbish placed in front of a fort, to keep the rubbish outside from getting at the rubbish inside.

S.–Egad! I’ll part thy hair!