Black Jack
by
To the wake av Tim O’Hara
Came company,
All St. Patrick’s Alley
Was there to see.
Robert Buchanan.
As the Three Musketeers share their silver, tobacco, and liquor together, as they protect each other in barracks or camp, and as they rejoice together over the joy of one, so do they divide their sorrows. When Ortheris’s irrepressible tongue has brought him into cells for a season, or Learoyd has run amok through his kit and accoutrements, or Mulvaney has indulged in strong waters, and under their influence reproved his Commanding Officer, you can see the trouble in the faces of the untouched two. And the rest of the regiment know that comment or jest is unsafe. Generally the three avoid Orderly Room and the Corner Shop that follows, leaving both to the young bloods who have not sown their wild oats; but there are occasions–
For instance, Ortheris was sitting on the drawbridge of the main gate of Fort Amara, with his hands in his pockets and his pipe, bowl down, in his mouth. Learoyd was lying at full length on the turf of the glacis, kicking his heels in the air, and I came round the corner and asked for Mulvaney.
Ortheris spat into the ditch and shook his head. “No good seein’ ‘im now,” said Ortheris; “‘e’s a bloomin’ camel. Listen.”
I heard on the flags of the veranda opposite to the cells, which are close to the Guard-Room, a measured step that I could have identified in the tramp of an army. There were twenty paces crescendo, a pause, and then twenty diminuendo.
“That’s ‘im,” said Ortheris; “my Gawd, that’s ‘im! All for a bloomin’ button you could see your face in an’ a bit o’ lip that a bloomin’ Hark-angel would ‘a’ guv back.”
Mulvaney was doing pack-drill–was compelled, that is to say, to walk up and down for certain hours in full marching order, with rifle, bayonet, ammunition, knapsack, and overcoat. And his offence was being dirty on parade! I nearly fell into the Fort Ditch with astonishment and wrath, for Mulvaney is the smartest man that ever mounted guard, and would as soon think of turning out uncleanly as of dispensing with his trousers.
“Who was the Sergeant that checked him?” I asked.
“Mullins, o’ course,” said Ortheris. “There ain’t no other man would whip ‘im on the peg so. But Mullins ain’t a man. ‘E’s a dirty little pigscraper, that’s wot ‘e is.”
“What did Mulvaney say? He’s not the make of man to take that quietly.”
“Said! Bin better for ‘im if ‘e’d shut ‘is mouth. Lord, ‘ow we laughed! ‘Sargint,’ ‘e sez, ‘ye say I’m dirty. Well,’ sez ‘e, ‘when your wife lets you blow your own nose for yourself, perhaps you’ll know wot dirt is. You’re himperfectly eddicated, Sargint,’ sez ‘e, an’ then we fell in. But after p’rade, ‘e was up an’ Mullins was swearin’ ‘imself black in the face at Ord’ly Room that Mulvaney ‘ad called ‘im a swine an’ Lord knows wot all. You know Mullins. ‘E’ll ‘ave ‘is ‘ead broke in one o’ these days. ‘E’s too big a bloomin’ liar for ord’nary consumption. ‘Three hours’ can an’ kit,’ sez the Colonel; ‘not for bein’ dirty on p’rade, but for ‘avin’ said somthin’ to Mullins, tho’ I do not believe,’ sez ‘e, ‘you said wot ‘e said you said.’ An’ Mulvaney fell away sayin’ nothin’. You know ‘e never speaks to the Colonel for fear o’ gettin’ ‘imself fresh copped.”
Mullins, a very young and very much married Sergeant, whose manners were partly the result of innate depravity and partly of imperfectly digested Board School, came over the bridge, and most rudely asked Ortheris what he was doing.
“Me?” said Ortheris, “Ow! I’m waiting for my C’mission. ‘Seed it comin’ along yit?”
Mullins turned purple and passed on. There was the sound of a gentle chuckle from the glacis where Learoyd lay.