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Bedridden
by
Nov. 14.–Private Bowser, youngest and tallest of my billets, gazetted.
Nov. 15, 10.35 a.m.–Private Bowser in tip-top spirits said good-bye to us all.
10.45.–Told that Q.M.S. Beddem desired to see me. Capitulated. New billet, Private Early, armed to the teeth, turned up in the evening. Said that he was a Yorkshireman. Said that Yorkshire was the finest county in England, and Yorkshiremen the finest men in the world. Stood toying with his bayonet and waiting for contradiction.
Jan. 5, 1916.–Standing in the garden just after lunch was witness to startling phenomenon. Q.M.S. Beddem came towards front-gate with a smile so expansive that gate after first trembling violently on its hinges swung open of its own accord. Q.M.S., with smile (sad), said he was in trouble. Very old member of the Inns of Court, Private Keen, had re-joined, and he wanted a good billet for him. Would cheerfully give up his own bed, but it wasn’t long enough. Not to be outdone in hospitality by my own gate accepted Private Keen. Q.M.S. digging hole in my path with toe of right boot, and for first and only time manifesting signs of nervousness, murmured that two life-long friends of Private Keen’s had rejoined with him. Known as the Three Inseparables. Where they were to sleep, unless I—-. Fled to house, and locking myself in top-attic watched Q.M.S. from window. He departed with bent head and swagger-cane reversed.
Jan 6.–Private Keen arrived. Turned out to be son of an old Chief of mine. Resolved not to visit the sins of the father on the head of a child six feet two high and broad in proportion.
Feb. 6.–Private Keen came home with a temperature.
Feb. 7.–M.O. diagnosed influenza. Was afraid it would spread.
Feb. 8.–Warned the other four billets. They seemed amused. Pointed out that influenza had no terrors for men in No. 2 Company, who were doomed to weekly night-ops. under Major Carryon.
Feb. 9.–House strangely and pleasantly quiet. Went to see how Private Keen was progressing, and found the other four billets sitting in a row on his bed practising deep-breathing exercises.
Feb. 16.–Billets on night-ops. until late hour. Spoke in highest terms of Major Carryon’s marching powers–also in other terms.
March 3.–Waited up until midnight for Private Merited, who had gone to Slough on his motor-bike.
March 4, 1.5 a.m.–Awakened by series of explosions from over-worked, or badly-worked, motor-bike. Put head out of window and threw key to Private Merited. He seemed excited. Said he had been chased all the way from Chesham by a pink rat with yellow spots. Advised him to go to bed. Set him an example.
1.10. a.m.–Heard somebody in the pantry. 2.10. a.m.–Heard Private Merited going upstairs to bed.
2.16 a.m.–Heard Private Merited still going upstairs to bed.
2.20-3.15. a.m.–Heard Private Merited getting to bed.
April 3, 12.30 a.m.–Town-hooter announced Zeppelins and excited soldier called up my billets from their beds to go and frighten them off. Pleasant to see superiority of billets over the hooter: that only emitted three blasts.
12.50 a.m.–Billets returned with exception of Private Merited, who was retained for sake of his motor-bike.
9 a.m.–On way to bath-room ran into Private Merited, who, looking very glum and sleepy, inquired whether I had a copy of the Exchange and Mart in the house.
10 p.m.–Overheard billets discussing whether it was worth while removing boots before going to bed until the Zeppelin scare was over. Joined in discussion.
May 2.–Rumours that the Inns of Court were going under canvas. Discredited them.
May 5.–Rumours grow stronger.
May 6.–Billets depressed. Begin to think perhaps there is something in rumours after all.
May 9.-All doubts removed. Tents begin to spring up with the suddenness of mushrooms in fields below Berkhamsted Place.
May 18, LIBERATION DAY.–Bade a facetious good-bye to my billets; response lacking in bonhomie.
May 19.-House delightfully quiet. Presented caller of unkempt appearance at back-door with remains of pair of military boots, three empty shaving- stick tins, and a couple of partially bald tooth-brushes.
May 21.–In afternoon went round and looked at camp. Came home smiling, and went to favourite seat in garden to smoke. Discovered Private Early lying on it fast asleep. Went to study. Private Merited at table writing long and well-reasoned letter to his tailor. As he said he could never write properly with anybody else in the room, left him and went to bath-room. Door locked. Peevish but familiar voice, with a Scotch accent, asked me what I wanted; also complained of temperature of water.
May 22.–After comparing notes with neighbours, feel deeply grateful to Q.M.S. Beddem for sending me the best six men in the corps.
July 15.–Feel glad to have been associated, however remotely and humbly, with a corps, the names of whose members appear on the Roll of Honour of every British regiment.