FullReads

“I see,” said Alice.

“So it occurred to Mr. Alderman March Hare here,” continued the Hatter, “that we should legislate in the matter, and at our last session we passed a law providing for the Municipal Ownership of Teeth, so that now when a toothless wanderer wants a hickory nut cracked he has a perfectly legal right to stop anybody in the street who has teeth and make him crack the nut for him. Of course we’ve had a little trouble enforcing the law–alleged private rights are always difficult to get around. Long-continued possession has seemed so to convince people that they have inherent rights to the things they have enjoyed, that they put up a fight and appeal to the Constitution and all that, and even when you mention the fact, as I did in a case that came up the other day (when a man refused to bite on another chap’s cigar for him), that the Constitution doesn’t mention teeth anywhere in all its classes, they are not easy to convince. This fellow insisted that his teeth were private property, and no city law should make them public property. He’s going to take it to the Supreme Court. Meanwhile his teeth are in the custody of the sheriff.

“And what has become of the man?” asked Alice.

“He’s in the custody of the sheriff too,” said the Hatter. “We couldn’t arrange it any other way except by pulling his teeth, and he didn’t want that.”

“I can’t blame him,” said Alice reflectively. “I should hate to have my teeth taken away from me.”

“O there’s no obfuscation about it,” said the Hatter.

“Confuscation,” corrected the March Hare. “I wish you would get that word right. It’s too important to fool with.”

“Thank you,” replied the Hatter. “My mind is on higher things than mere words. However, as I was saying, there is no cobfuscation about it. We don’t take a man’s teeth away from him without compensation. We pay him what the teeth are worth and place them at the service of the whole community.

“Where do you get the money to pay him?” asked Alice.

“We give him a Municipal Bond,” explained the Hatter. “It’s a ten per cent. bond costing two cents to print. When he cracks a hickory nut for the public, the man he cracks it for pays him a cent. He rings this up on a cash register he carries pinned to his vest, and at the end of every week turns in the cash to the City Treasury. That money is used to pay the interest on the bonds. The scheme has the additional advantage that it makes a man’s teeth negotiable property in the sense that whereas under the old system he couldn’t very well sell his teeth, under the new system he can sell the bond if he gets hard up. Moreover, the City Government having acquired control has to pay all his dentist’s bills, supply tooth powder and so on, which results in a great saving to the individual. It hardly costs the city anything, except for the Tooth Inspector, who is paid $1,200 a year, but we can handle that easily enough, provided the people will use the Public Teeth in sufficiently large numbers to bring in dividends. Anyhow, we have gone in for it, and I see no reason why it should not work as well as any other Municipal Ownership scheme.”

“I should love to go and see your city,” said Alice, who, though not quite convinced as to the desirability of the Municipal Ownership of Teeth, was nevertheless very much interested.

“Very well,” said the Hatter. “We can go at once, for I see the train is already standing in the Station.”

“The Station?” cried Alice. “What Station?”

But before the Hatter could answer, Alice, glancing through the window, caught sight of a very beautiful train standing before the veranda, and in a moment she found herself stepping on board with her friends, while a soft-spoken guard at the door was handing her an engraved card upon a silver salver “Respectfully Inviting Miss Alice to Step Lively There.”