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“‘It’s the size that counts,’ said Colonel Bud Crittenden. ‘It natchelly stands to reason that a big scaffolded-up man like Stony Bugg can chamber more licker than a little runt like that Burnett. Why, he could do it if Burnett was spangled all over with Adamses’ apples and all of them palpitating like skeered lizards. He could do it if Burnett’s eyes were so fur apart he was cross-eyed behind. Besides, this here Burnett is a mountaineering gen’elman, and I mistrust not, he’s been educated altogether on white moonshine licker fresh out of the still. When red licker, with some age behind it, takes holt of his abbreviated vitals he’s shore going to wilt and wilt sudden and complete.

“‘Red licker, say about fourteen year old, is mighty deceivin’ to a mountaineer. It tastes so smooth he forgets that it’s strong enough to take off warts.’

“Well, suzz, that argument fetched us and we all coincided; all but Squire Buck Throckmorton, who still looked mighty dubiousome. Anyway, Stony Bugg, he went out and found this here Mister Wash Burnett and invited him to see if there was anything left in the bar; and Burnett, he fell into the trap, not apparently suspicioning nothing, and said he didn’t care if he did. So they sashayed off together t’wards the nighest grocery arm in arm.

“Being puffectly easy in our minds, we all went back to the convention hall ’bout half past two. The Forks of Elkhorn William Jinnings Bryan and Silver Cornet Band was there and give a concert, playin ‘Dixie’ foah times and ‘Old Kentucky Home’ five. And Senator Joe Blackburn spoke three or foah times. I never before heard Republicans called out of their name like he done it. Senator Joe Blackburn shore proved hisse’f a statesman that day.

“Well, it got on t’wards half past three, and while we warn’t noways uneasy we taken to wishing that Stony Bugg would report back. At ten minutes befoah foah there warn’t no signs of Stony Bugg. At five minutes befoah foah our fellers was gettin’ shore nuff worried, and jest then the doah opened and in comes that there little Wash Burnett–alone! He was coughing fit to kill hisse’f. His Adamses’ apple was sticking out like a guinney egg, and making about eighteen reverlutions to the second, and them fur-apart eyes of his’n was the glassiest I ever seen, but it was him all right. He stopped jest inside the hall and turned up his pants at the bottom and stepped high over a shadder on the floor. But he warn’t too fur gone to walk. Nor he warn’t too fur gone to vote.

“‘Fore we could more’n ketch our breaths the chairman called for a ballot and they taken it, and General Hightower was nominated–52 to 51–Captain Stonewall J. Bugg being recorded by the secretary as absent and not voting. And while the up-state fellers was carrying on and swapping cheers with one another, our fellers sat there jest dumfoundered. Colonel Bud Crittenden, he was the first one to speak.

“‘Major Simms being beat ain’t the wust of it,’ he says. ‘Our committee on irrigation is deceased. The solemn and sorryful duty devolves upon us, his associates, to go send a dispatch to Mrs. Stony Bugg and fambly informing them that they air widows. Stony, he must have choked hisse’f to death on some free barroom vittles, or else he got run over by a hawse and waggin. Otherwise he’d a’ been here as arranged, and that there little human wart of a Wash Burnett would be spraddled out on the floor, face-down, right this very minute, a’trying to swim out of some licker store dog fashion.’

“But jest then we heard a kind of to-do outside, and the doah flew open and something rolled in and flattened out in the main aisle. Would you believe me, it was Stony Bugg, more puffectly disguised in licker than I ever expected to see.

“Two of us grabbed holt of him by the arms and pulled him up on his feet. He opened his eyes kind of dazed-like and looked around. Colonel Bud, he done the talking.

“‘Stony,’ he says, not angry but real pitiful, in his tones, ‘Stony, why the name of Gawd didn’t you git him drunk?’

“Stony, he sort of studied a minute. Then he says, slow and deliberate and thick:

“‘Drunk? Why, boys, I gozzom so drunk I couldn’t see him.’

“And as we came on home, we all had to admit you couldn’t git a man no drunker than that, and live.”