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A Shocking Affair
by
‘No, I’ve not been sacked,’ said Bradshaw.
A light dawned upon me.
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘you’re going to slumber in.’ For the benefit of the uninitiated, I may mention that to slumber in is to stay in the House during school on a pretence of illness.
‘That,’ replied the man of mystery, with considerable asperity, ‘is exactly the silly rotten kid’s idea that would come naturally to a complete idiot like you.’
As a rule, I resent being called a complete idiot, but this was not the time for asserting one’s personal dignity. I had to know what Bradshaw’s scheme for evading the examination was. Perhaps there might be room for two in it; in which case I should have been exceedingly glad to have lent my moral support to it. I pressed for an explanation.
‘You may jaw,’ said Bradshaw at last, ‘as much as you jolly well please, but I’m not going to give this away. All you’re going to know is that I shan’t be there tomorrow.’
‘I bet you are, and I bet you do a jolly rank paper too,’ I said, remembering that the sceptic is sometimes vouchsafed revelations to which the most devout believer may not aspire. It is, for instance, always the young man who scoffs at ghosts that the family spectre chooses as his audience. But it required more than a mere sneer or an empty gibe to pump information out of Bradshaw. He took me up at once.
‘What’ll you bet?’ he said.
Now I was prepared to wager imaginary sums to any extent he might have cared to name, but as my actual worldly wealth at that moment consisted of one penny, and my expectations were limited to the shilling pocket-money which I should receive on the following Saturday–half of which was already mortgaged–it behoved me to avoid doing anything rash with my ready money. But, since a refusal would have meant the downfall of my arguments, I was obliged to name a figure. I named an even sixpence. After all, I felt, I must win. By what means, other than illness, could Bradshaw possibly avoid putting in an appearance at the Thucydides examination?
‘All right,’ said Bradshaw, ‘an even sixpence. You’ll lose.’
‘Slumbering in barred.’
‘Of course.’
‘Real illness barred too,’ I said. Bradshaw is a man of resource, and has been known to make himself genuinely ill in similar emergencies.
‘Right you are. Slumbering in and real illness both barred. Anything else you’d like to bar?’
I thought.
‘No. Unless–‘ an idea struck me–‘You’re not going to run away?’
Bradshaw scorned to answer the question.
‘Now you’d better buck up with your work,’ he said, opening his book again. ‘You’ve got about as long odds as anyone ever got. But you’ll lose all the same.’
It scarcely seemed possible. And yet–Bradshaw was generally right. If he said he had a scheme for doing–though it was generally for not doing–something, it rarely failed to come off. I thought of my sixpence, my only sixpence, and felt a distinct pang of remorse. After all, only the other day the chaplain had said how wrong it was to bet. By Jove, so he had. Decent man the chaplain. Pity to do anything he would disapprove of. I was on the point of recalling my wager, when before my mind’s eye rose a vision of Bradshaw rampant and sneering, and myself writhing in my chair a crushed and scored-off wreck. I drew the line at that. I valued my self-respect at more than sixpence. If it had been a shilling now–. So I set my teeth and turned once more to my Thucydides. Bradshaw, having picked up the thread of his story again, emitted hoarse chuckles like minute guns, until I very nearly rose and fell upon him. It is maddening to listen to a person laughing and not to know the joke.
‘You will be allowed two hours for this paper,’ said Mellish on the following afternoon, as he returned to his desk after distributing the Thucydides questions. ‘At five minutes to four I shall begin to collect your papers, but those who wish may go on till ten past. Write only on one side of the paper, and put your names in the top right-hand corner. Marks will be given for neatness. Any boy whom I see looking at his neighbour’s–where’s Bradshaw?‘