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A Princess Of Grub Street
by
Thus he argued, with his high-pitched pleasant voice, wherein there was, as always, the elusive suggestion of a stutter. And here the other interrupted.
“There is no need of names, your highness.” Georges Desmarets was diminutive, black-haired and corpulent. He was of dapper appearance, point-device in everything, and he reminded you of a perky robin.
The tutor flung out an “Ouf! I must recall to you that, thank heaven, I am not anybody’s highness any longer. I am Paul Vanderhoffen.”
“He says that he is not Prince Fribble!”–the little man addressed the zenith–“as if any other person ever succeeded in talking a half-hour without being betrayed into at least one sensible remark. Oh, how do you manage without fail to be so consistently and stupendously idiotic?”
“It is, like all other desirable traits, either innate or else just unattainable,” the other answered. “I am so hopelessly light-minded that I cannot refrain from being rational even in matters which concern me personally–and this, of course, no normal being ever thinks of doing. I really cannot help it.”
The Frenchman groaned whole-heartedly.
“But we were speaking–well, of foreign countries. Now, Paul Vanderhoffen has read that in one of these countries there was once a prince who very narrowly escaped figuring as a self-conscious absurdity, as an anachronism, as a life-long prisoner of etiquette. However, with the assistance of his cousin–who, incidentally, was also his heir–the prince most opportunely died. Oh, pedant that you are! in any event he was interred. And so, the prince was gathered to his fathers, and his cousin Augustus reigned in his stead. Until a certain politician who had been privy to this pious fraud—-” The tutor shrugged. “How can I word it without seeming hypercritical?”
Georges Desmarets stretched out appealing hands. “But, I protest, it was the narrow-mindedness of that pernicious prig, your cousin–who firmly believes himself to be an improved and augmented edition of the Four Evangelists—-“
“Well, in any event, the proverb was attested that birds of a feather make strange bedfellows. There was a dispute concerning some petit larceny–some slight discrepancy, we will imagine, since all this is pure romance, in the politician’s accounts—-“
“Now you belie me—-” said the black-haired man, and warmly.
“Oh, Desmarets, you are as vain as ever! Let us say, then, of grand larceny. In any event, the politician was dismissed. And what, my dears, do you suppose this bold and bad and unprincipled Machiavelli went and did? Why, he made straight for the father of the princess the usurping duke was going to marry, and surprised everybody by showing that, at a pinch, even this Guy Fawkes–who was stuffed with all manner of guile and wickedness where youthful patriotism would ordinarily incline to straw–was capable of telling the truth. And so the father broke off the match. And the enamored, if usurping, duke wept bitterly and tore his hair to such an extent he totally destroyed his best toupet. And privily the Guy Fawkes came into the presence of the exiled duke and prated of a restoration to ancestral dignities. And he was spurned by a certain highly intelligent person who considered it both tedious and ridiculous to play at being emperor of a backyard. And then–I really don’t recall what happened. But there was a general and unqualified deuce to pay with no pitch at a really satisfying temperature.”
The stouter man said quietly: “It is a thrilling tale which you narrate. Only, I do recall what happened then. The usurping duke was very much in earnest, desirous of retaining his little kingdom, and particularly desirous of the woman whom he loved. In consequence, he had Monsieur the Runaway obliterated while the latter was talking nonsense—-“
The tutor’s brows had mounted.
“I scorn to think it even of anybody who is controlled in every action by a sense of duty,” Georges Desmarets explained, “that Duke Augustus would cause you to be murdered in your sleep.”