PAGE 11
A Light Man
by
There was something in Theodore’s look and manner, as he said these words, which puzzled me all the morning. After dinner, finding myself alone with him, I told him I was glad he was not obliged to go away. He looked at me with the mysterious smile I have mentioned, thanked me, and fell into meditation. As this bescribbled chronicle is the record of my follies as well of my hauts faits, I needn’t hesitate to say that for a moment I was a good deal vexed. What business has this angel of candor to deal in signs and portents, to look unutterable things? What right has he to do so with me especially, in whom he has always professed an absolute confidence? Just as I was about to cry out, “Come, my dear fellow, this affectation of mystery has lasted quite long enough–favor me at last with the result of your cogitations!”–as I was on the point of thus expressing my impatience of his ominous behavior, the oracle at last addressed itself to utterance.
“You see, my dear Max,” he said, “I can’t, in justice to myself, go away in obedience to the sort of notice that was served on me this morning. What do you think of my actual footing here?”
Theodore’s actual footing here seems to me impossible; of course I said so.
“No, I assure you it’s not,” he answered. “I should, on the contrary, feel very uncomfortable to think that I had come away, except by my own choice. You see a man can’t afford to cheapen himself. What are you laughing at?”
“I am laughing, in the first place, my dear fellow, to hear on your lips the language of cold calculation; and in the second place, at your odd notion of the process by which a man keeps himself up in the market.”
“I assure you it’s the correct notion. I came here as a particular favor to Mr. Sloane; it was expressly understood so. The sort of work was odious to me; I had regularly to break myself in. I had to trample on my convictions, preferences, prejudices. I don’t take such things easily; I take them hard; and when once the effort has been made, I can’t consent to have it wasted. If Mr. Sloane needed me then, he needs me still. I am ignorant of any change having taken place in his intentions, or in his means of satisfying them. I came, not to amuse him, but to do a certain work; I hope to remain until the work is completed. To go away sooner is to make a confession of incapacity which, I protest, costs me too much. I am too conceited, if you like.”
Theodore spoke these words with a face which I have never seen him wear–a fixed, mechanical smile; a hard, dry glitter in his eyes; a harsh, strident tone in his voice–in his whole physiognomy a gleam, as it were, a note of defiance. Now I confess that for defiance I have never been conscious of an especial relish. When I am defied I am beastly. “My dear man,” I replied, “your sentiments do you prodigious credit. Your very ingenious theory of your present situation, as well as your extremely pronounced sense of your personal value, are calculated to insure you a degree of practical success which can very well dispense with the furtherance of my poor good wishes.” Oh, the grimness of his visage as he listened to this, and, I suppose I may add, the grimness of mine! But I have ceased to be puzzled. Theodore’s conduct for the past ten days is suddenly illumined with a backward, lurid ray. I will note down here a few plain truths which it behooves me to take to heart–commit to memory. Theodore is jealous of Maximus Austin. Theodore hates the said Maximus. Theodore has been seeking for the past three months to see his name written, last but not least, in a certain testamentary document: “Finally, I bequeath to my dear young friend, Theodore Lisle, in return for invaluable services and unfailing devotion, the bulk of my property, real and personal, consisting of–” (hereupon follows an exhaustive enumeration of houses, lands, public securities, books, pictures, horses, and dogs). It is for this that he has toiled, and watched, and prayed; submitted to intellectual weariness and spiritual torture; accommodated himself to levity, blasphemy, and insult. For this he sets his teeth and tightens his grasp; for this he’ll fight. Dear me, it’s an immense weight off one’s mind! There are nothing, then, but vulgar, common laws; no sublime exceptions, no transcendent anomalies. Theodore’s a knave, a hypo–nay, nay; stay, irreverent hand!–Theodore’s a man! Well, that’s all I want. He wants fight–he shall have it. Have I got, at last, my simple, natural emotion?