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FROM ALEXEY PETROVITCH TO MARYA ALEXANDROVNA

ST. PETERSBURG, March 7, 1840.

DEAR MARYA ALEXANDROVNA,–

I fancy I have never written to you before, and here I am writing to you now…. I have chosen a curious time to begin, haven’t I? I’ll tell you what gave me the impulse. Mon cousin Theodore was with me to-day, and…how shall I put it?…and he confided to me as the greatest secret (he never tells one anything except as a great secret), that he was in love with the daughter of a gentleman here, and that this time he is firmly resolved to be married, and that he has already taken the first step–he has declared himself! I made haste, of course, to congratulate him on an event so agreeable for him; he has been longing to declare himself for a great while…but inwardly, I must own, I was rather astonished. Although I knew that everything was over between you, still I had fancied…. In short, I was surprised. I had made arrangements to go out to see friends to-day, but I have stopped at home and mean to have a little gossip with you. If you do not care to listen to me, fling this letter forthwith into the fire. I warn you I mean to be frank, though I feel you are fully justified in taking me for a rather impertinent person. Observe, however, that I would not have taken up my pen if I had not known your sister was not with you; she is staying, so Theodore told me, the whole summer with your aunt, Madame B—. God give her every blessing!

And so, this is how it has all worked out…. But I am not going to offer you my friendship and all that; I am shy as a rule of high-sounding speeches and ‘heartfelt’ effusions. In beginning to write this letter, I simply obeyed a momentary impulse. If there is another feeling latent within me, let it remain hidden under a bushel for the time.

I’m not going to offer you sympathy either. In sympathising with others, people for the most part want to get rid, as quick as they can, of an unpleasant feeling of involuntary, egoistic regret…. I understand genuine, warm sympathy … but such sympathy you would not accept from just any one…. Do, please, get angry with me…. If you’re angry, you’ll be sure to read my missive to the end.

But what right have I to write to you, to talk of my friendship, of my feelings, of consolation? None, absolutely none; that I am bound to admit, and I can only throw myself on your kindness.

Do you know what the preface of my letter’s like? I’ll tell you: some Mr. N. or M. walking into the drawing-room of a lady who doesn’t in the least expect him, and who does, perhaps, expect some one else…. He realises that he has come at an unlucky moment, but there’s no help for it…. He sits down, begins talking…goodness knows what about: poetry, the beauties of nature, the advantages of a good education…talks the most awful rot, in fact. But, meanwhile, the first five minutes have gone by, he has settled himself comfortably; the lady has resigned herself to the inevitable, and so Mr. N. or M. regains his self-possession, takes breath, and begins a real conversation–to the best of his ability.

In spite, though, of all this rigmarole, I don’t still feel quite comfortable. I seem to see your bewildered–even rather wrathful–face; I feel that it will be almost impossible you should not ascribe to me some hidden motives, and so, like a Roman who has committed some folly, I wrap myself majestically in my toga, and await in silence your final sentence….

The question is: Will you allow me to go on writing to you?–I remain sincerely and warmly devoted to you,

ALEXEY S.

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FROM MARYA ALEXANDROVNA TO ALEXEY PETROVITCH