PAGE 4
A Bargain With Peg-Leg
by
“‘You think you are some smart now, sonny, but I’m a-studyin’ of your face so’s I’ll know who to look for when I git a new leg; an’ believe me, I’ll know it, m’son–yours and your friend’s too’ (he meant Clarence)–‘an’ I guess you’ll both be kind o’ sick afore I’m done with you. You!‘ he goes on, tremendous disgustful. ‘You! an’ them one-lungers a-swearin’ an’ a-cussin’ an’ bedamnin’ an’ bedevilin’ one a-other. Ain’t ye just ashamed o’ yourselves ?’ (he thought I was a one-lunger, too); ‘ain’t ye ashamed–befoulin’ your mouths, and disturbin’ the peace along of a quiet Sunday mornin’, an’ you-alls waist over in your graves? I’m fair sick o’ my job,’ he remarks, goin’ kind o’ thoughtful. ‘Ten years now I’ve been range-ridin’ all this yere ranch, a-doin’ o’ my little feeble, or’nary best to clean out the mouths o’ you men an’ purify the atmosphere o’ God’s own country, but I ain’t made one convert. I’ve pounded ’em an’ booted ’em, an’ busted ’em an’ shot ’em up, an’ they go on cussin’ each other out harder’n ever. I don’t know w’at all to do an’ I sometimes gets plumb discouraged-like.’
“Now, hearin’ of him talk that-a-way, an’ a-knowin’ of his weakness, I gits a idea. It’s a chanst and mebbee it don’t pan out, but I puts it up as a bluff. I don’t want, you see, to spend the rest o’ my appointed time in this yere vale o’ tears a-dodgin’ o’ Peg-leg Smith, an’ in the end, after all, to git between the wind and a forty-eight caliber do-good, sure not. So I puts up a deal. Says I: ‘Peg-leg, I’ll make a bargint along o’ you. You lays it out as how you ain’t never converted nobody out o’ his swearin’ habits. Now if you wants, ‘ere’s a chanst. You gimmee your word as a gent and a good-man-an’-true, as how you won’t never make no play to shoot me up, in nowise whatsoever, so long as we both do live, an’ promise never to bust me, or otherwise, and promise never to rustle me or interfere with my life, liberty and pursuit o’ happiness, an’ thereunto you set your seal an’ may Lord ‘a’ mercy on your soul–you promise that, an’ I will agree an’ covenant with the party o’ the first part to abstain an’ abjure, early or late, dry or drinkin’, in liquor or out, out o’ luck or in, rangin’ or roundin’, from all part an’ parcel o’ profanity, cuss-words, little or big, several and separate, bar none; this yere agreement to be considered as bindin’ an’ obligatory till the day o’ your demise, decease or death. There!‘ says I, ‘there’s a fair bargint put up between man an’ man, an’ I puts it to you fair. You comes in with a strong ante an’ you gets a genuine, guaranteed an’ high-grade convert–the real article. You stays out, an’ not only you loses a good chanst to cut off and dam up as vigorous a stream o’ profanity as is found between here and Laredo, but you loses a handmade, copper-bound, steel-riveted, artificial limb–which in five minutes o’ time,’ says I, windin’ up, ‘will sure feed the fire. There’s the bargint.’
“Well, the ol’ man takes out time for about as long as a thirsty horse-rustler could put away half a dozen drinks an’ he studies the proposition sideways and endways an’ down side up. Then at last he ups and speaks out decided-like:
“‘Son,’ he says, ‘son, it’s a bargint. Gimmee my leg.’
“Somehow neither o’ us misdoubts as how the other man won’t keep his word; an’ I gives him his stump, an’ he straps her on joyful-like, just as if he’d got back a ole friend. Then later on he hikes out for Mojave and I don’ see him no more for mebbee three years.”
“And then?” I prompted.