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A Bargain With Peg-Leg
by
“Well, findin’ that they couldn’t do much else than jes’ sit around an’ bark and keep their shawls tight, these ‘ere chaps kinda drew together, and lay it out to meet every Sunday morning at Bud’s to sorta talk it over and have a quiet game. One game they had that they played steady, an’ when I drifted into Bud’s that morning they was about a dozen of ’em at it–Clarence, too. When I came in, there they be, all sittin’ in a circle round a table with a cigar box on it. They’d each put four bits into the box. That was the pot.
“A stranger wouldn’t ‘a’ made nothin’ very excitin’ out of that game, nor yet would ‘a’ caught on to what it were. For them pore yaps jes’ sat there, each with his little glass thermometer in his mouth, a-waitin’ and a-waitin’ and never sayin’ a word. Then bime-by Bud, who’s a-holdin’ of the watch on ’em, sings out ‘Time!’ an’ they all takes their thermometers out an’ looks at ’em careful-like to see where they stand.
“‘Mine’s ninety-nine,’ says one.
“An’ another says:
“‘Mine’s a hundred.’
“An’ Clarence pipes up–coughin’ all the time:
“‘Mine’s a hundred ‘n one ‘n ‘alf.’
“An’, no one havin’ a higher tempriture than that, Clarence captures the pot. It was a queer kind o’ game.
“Well, on that particular Sunday morning they’s some unpleasantness along o’ one o’ the other one-lungers layin’ it out as how Clarence had done some monkey-business to make his tempriture so high. It was said as how Clarence had took and drunk some hot tea afore comin’ into the game at Bud’s. They all began to discuss that same p’int.
“Naturally, they don’t go at it polite, and to make their remarks p’inted they says a cuss-word occasional, and Clarence, bein’ a high-steppin’ gent as takes nobody’s dust, slings it back some forceful.
“Then all at once they hears Peg-leg beller from where’s he layin’ on the lounge (they ain’t figured on his bein’ so contiguous), and he gives it to be understood, does Peg-leg, as how the next one-lunger that indulges in whatsoever profanity will lose his voice abrupt.
“They all drops out at that, bar the chap who had the next highest tempriture to Clarence. Him having missed the pot by only a degree or so is considerable sore.
“‘Why,’ says he, ‘I’ve had a reg’lar fever since yesterday afternoon, an’ only just dodged a hem’rage by a squeak. I’m all legitimate, I am; an’ if you-alls misdoubts as how my tempriture ain’t normal you kin jes’ ask the doctor. I don’t take it easy that a strappin’, healthy gesabe whose case ain’t nowheres near the hopeless p’int yet steps in here with a scalded mouth and plays it low.’
“Clarence he r’ars right up at that an’ forgits about Peg-leg an’ expresses doubts, not to say convictions, about the one-lunger’s chances of salvation. He puts it all into about three words, an’ just as quick as look at it we hears ol’ Peg-leg’s wooden stump a-comin’. We stampedes considerable prompt, but Clarence falls over a chair, an’ before he kin get up Peg-leg has him by the windpipe.
“Now I ain’t billin’ myself as a all-round star hero an’ general grand-stand man. But I was sure took with Clarence, an’ I’d ‘a’ been real disappointed if Peg-leg ‘ud a-killed him that morning–which he sure was tryin’ to do when I came in for a few chips.
“I don’ draw on Peg-leg, him being down on his knees over Clarence, an’ his back turned, but without sensin’ very much what I’m a-doin’ of I grabs holt o’ the first part o’ Peg-leg that comes handy, which, so help me, Bob, is his old wooden leg. I starts to pull him off o’ Clarence, but instead o’ that I pulls off the wooden leg an’ goes a-staggerin’ back agin the wall with the thing in my fist.
“Y’know how it is now with a fightin’ pup if you pull his tail while he’s a-chawin’ up the other pup. Ye can bat him over the head till you’re tired, or kick him till you w’ars your boot out, an’ he’ll go right on chawin’ the harder. But monkey with his tail an’ he’s that sensitive an’ techy about it that he’ll take a interest right off.