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A-A-A-In’t They Thick?
by [?]

During the “great excitement” in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave “fizzle,” a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of latest news, as set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of Telegraphic Dispatches, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of the imagination to apprise you, “dear reader,” that our friend Phipps was but meagerly “posted up” in what was going on in this great country, half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was not ignorant of the fact that “Old Hickory” fout well down to New Orleans, and that “Old Zack” flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world.

But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a red cent’s worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth, the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum’s woolly horse–not a red. He came to Boston annually to see how things were a workin’; pleasure, not business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry of “slave hunters,” was raised–Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at his vocation–table servant at Taft’s eating establishment, Corn Hill, where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his tapioca, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston restaurateur. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he didn’t care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued his tapioca to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the equivalent and stepped out.

As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be; and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred to him that the niggers had got to be thick–darn’d thick, for they passed and repassed him–walked before him and behind him, and in fact all around him.

“Yes,” says Phipps, “the niggers are thick, thundering thick–never saw ’em so thick in my life. Ain’t they thick? ” he soliloquized, and as he continued his stroll in the purlieus of “slightly soiled” garments, vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very dignified and respectable col’ud pussons, it again struck Phipps quite forcibly that the niggers were a getting thick.

“Godfree! but ain’t they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron,” said Phipps, “if there ain’t more niggers –look at ’em–more niggers than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I’ve enough niggers for a spell,” continued Phipps, “so I’ll just pop in here, and see how this feller sells his notions.” And so Abner, having reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife, dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step.

The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something. Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all looking more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin’s, and white-pine fixin’s.