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John Silence: Case 1: Secret Worship
by
“You are very kind, I’m sure,” he said politely. “It is perhaps a greater pleasure to me than you can imagine to see the place again. Ah,”–he stopped short opposite a door with the upper half of glass and peered in–“surely there is one of the music rooms where I used to practise the violin. How it comes back to me after all these years!”
Bruder Kalkmann stopped indulgently, smiling, to allow his guest a moment’s inspection.
“You still have the boys’ orchestra? I remember I used to play ‘zweite Geige’ in it. Bruder Schliemann conducted at the piano. Dear me, I can see him now with his long black hair and–and–” He stopped abruptly. Again the odd, dark look passed over the stern face of his companion. For an instant it seemed curiously familiar.
“We still keep up the pupils’ orchestra,” he said, “but Bruder Schliemann, I am sorry to say–” he hesitated an instant, and then added, “Bruder Schliemann is dead.”
“Indeed, indeed,” said Harris quickly. “I am sorry to hear it.” He was conscious of a faint feeling of distress, but whether it arose from the news of his old music teacher’s death, or–from something else–he could not quite determine. He gazed down the corridor that lost itself among shadows. In the street and village everything had seemed so much smaller than he remembered, but here, inside the school building, everything seemed so much bigger. The corridor was loftier and longer, more spacious and vast, than the mental picture he had preserved. His thoughts wandered dreamily for an instant.
He glanced up and saw the face of the Bruder watching him with a smile of patient indulgence.
“Your memories possess you,” he observed gently, and the stern look passed into something almost pitying.
“You are right,” returned the man of silk, “they do. This was the most wonderful period of my whole life in a sense. At the time I hated it–” He hesitated, not wishing to hurt the Brother’s feelings.
“According to English ideas it seemed strict, of course,” the other said persuasively, so that he went on.
“–Yes, partly that; and partly the ceaseless nostalgia, and the solitude which came from never being really alone. In English schools the boys enjoy peculiar freedom, you know.”
Bruder Kalkmann, he saw, was listening intently.
“But it produced one result that I have never wholly lost,” he continued self-consciously, “and am grateful for.”
“Ach! Wie so, denn?”
“The constant inner pain threw me headlong into your religious life, so that the whole force of my being seemed to project itself towards the search for a deeper satisfaction–a real resting-place for the soul. During my two years here I yearned for God in my boyish way as perhaps I have never yearned for anything since. Moreover, I have never quite lost that sense of peace and inward joy which accompanied the search. I can never quite forget this school and the deep things it taught me.”
He paused at the end of his long speech, and a brief silence fell between them. He feared he had said too much, or expressed himself clumsily in the foreign language, and when Bruder Kalkmann laid a hand upon his shoulder, he gave a little involuntary start.
“So that my memories perhaps do possess me rather strongly,” he added apologetically; “and this long corridor, these rooms, that barred and gloomy front door, all touch chords that–that–” His German failed him and he glanced at his companion with an explanatory smile and gesture. But the Brother had removed the hand from his shoulder and was standing with his back to him, looking down the passage.
“Naturally, naturally so,” he said hastily without turning round. “Es ist doch selbstverstaendlich. We shall all understand.”
Then he turned suddenly, and Harris saw that his face had turned most oddly and disagreeably sinister. It may only have been the shadows again playing their tricks with the wretched oil lamps on the wall, for the dark expression passed instantly as they retraced their steps down the corridor, but the Englishman somehow got the impression that he had said something to give offence, something that was not quite to the other’s taste. Opposite the door of the Bruderstube they stopped. Harris realised that it was late and he had possibly stayed talking too long. He made a tentative effort to leave, but his companion would not hear of it.