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These views of mine on autographs have greatly distressed the unfair sex. The ladies–God bless them–resent a severely logical view of anything, and to disturb their small sentimentalities is to be cold-blooded and cynical. Once, when I wasj imprudent enough to wonder if the “young person” with the well-known cheek, to which blushes were brought, existed any longer in this age of neurotic novels written by ladies for gentlemen, I received a delicious communication from an Australian damsel informing me that she had been in love with me up till the fatal day on which she read my cynical conception of her sex,–which reminds me of another well-meaning young lady who wrote me the other day from America that her epistle was prompted “neither by love nor admiration.” If I hint that popular lady novelists do not invariably produce masterpieces of style and syntax, I am accused of inflicting the “tarantulous bites of envious detractors.” I am driven–most reluctantly–to a suspicion that has long been faintly glimmering in my bosom, a suspicion that ladies have no sense of humour. It is gravely pointed out to me by incensed writers of incense-laden letters that the demand for a writer’s autograph is a mark of veneration; that his letter is reverentially handed about on special occasions quite without a thought of its possible commercial value and that often–though here the argument itself becomes cunningly commercial–it becomes the focus of a local hero-worship that expresses itself outwardly in increased purchases of the author’s books. Now, of course every author is only too aware that requests for his autographs are manifestations of reverence, and is only too apt to disregard the supposition of crude curiosity. He knows that it is only natural that people, forewarned by the scarcity of autographs of Shakespeare, should be anxious to safeguard posterity against a similar calamity. But that any author should have humour enough to see the absurdity of the autograph mania, this is what his fair clientele has not humour enough to understand. Anthony Hope–who, by the way, told me he had received a letter from an unknown lady, the object of which was to abuse me for my heresy on this heart-burning question–says that if to write his name on slips of paper adds to the sum of the world’s pleasure, he is ready to do it. This is a noble attitude; but the good people do not always do the most good. Ought one to pamper this interest in mere externals? Here are the man’s books, pictures, symphonies: if these have profited you, be content–you have had enough. He has shown you his soul,–why should he show you his hand? One knows into what this sort of thing degenerates–into the exploitation of celebrities by smart American journalists, to whom genius and notoriety are equally alike mere possibilities of sensational copy with screaming head-lines. A. Z. has written the opera of the century: the public is dying to know the cut of his trousers and the proportion of milk in his cafe au lait. X. Y. has murdered his uncle and vivisected his grandmother: how interesting to ascertain his favourite novel, and whether he approves of the bicycle for ladies! For one person who knows anything of the artistic output of the day there are ten who know all about the producers and how much money they are making. Even when our interest in artistic work is intellectual, we are more likely to read criticisms of it than to place ourselves vis-a-vis with the work. Not the truest criticism, not the subtlest misinterpretation, can give us anything like the sensation or the stimulus that results from direct contact with the work itself. As well enjoy the “Moonlight Sonata” through a technical analysis of its form. But this is a venial vice compared with taking your Sonata through the medium of a paragraph about Beethoven’s shoe-buckles.

The autograph craze is, I maintain, only another aspect of this modern mania for irrelevant gossip; just as the tit-bits breed of papers is but the outer manifestation of an inner disgrace. We no longer tackle great works and ordered trains of thought: everything must be snappy and spicy; and we open our books and papers, awaiting, like the criminal in “The Mikado,” “the sensation of a short sharp shock.” To possess a man’s autograph may as easily become a substitute for studying his work as an incentive to purchasing it. The critique displaces the book itself: the autograph may displace even the critique. All this without reference to the trouble and expense entailed by an aggregation of the trivial taskwork of signing one’s name, addressing envelopes, sticking on stamps, and occasionally paying for them, and not infrequently defraying the extra postage on insufficiently stamped admiration. Henry James, in his latest story in “The Yellow Book,” says deliciously: “Lambert’s novels appeared to have brought him no money: they had only brought him, so far as I could make out, tributes that took up his time.” The earnings of the most popular authors are, I fear me, sadly exaggerated, and their own anticipations seldom realised. As the other American novelist–Mr. Howells–humourously puts it: “I never get a cheque from my publisher without feeling distinctly poorer.” The average author is indeed very much in the position of a cabman surveying a shilling. And the even less substantial “tributes,” be it noted, are not limited to aspirations after autographs. That would be little to grumble at. But everybody knows that the demands made upon a celebrity–and especially upon an author–are “peculiar and extensive.” He is expected to be not only an author–and even, according to the more high-minded among the unsuccessful critics, to be that without fee or reward–but also to officiate gratuitously as publisher’s reader to the universe at large–unprinted; as author’s agent, hawking unknown MSS. about among his friends the publishers, and placing unknown young men on the staff of the leading journals; as dramatic agent, introducing plays and players to his friends the managers–who will not produce his own works; and, in fine, to act as general adviser to aspirants of every species. Nay, was not Hall Caine recently asked by a lady admirer in poor health, about to visit the Isle of Man, to find lodgings for her? Heavens! who knows what scandal might have arisen had the author of “The Manxman” inconsiderately turned himself into a house-agent! The famous tale of the Nova Scotian sheep in “The School for Scandal” might have been eclipsed by the sequel. Now, the poor lady meant well enough: she may even have thought to show how deep her faith in the novelist’s domestic genius and financial impeccability! It simply did not occur to her that she was not the only call upon Mr. Caine’s time; and she may have felt as resentful at his reluctance as the beggar who stigmatises Rothschild as niggard because he cannot wheedle a share in his bounty. It may be that I am incapable of envisaging this whole matter fairly, because–to make a clean breast of it–I am one of those Philistine persons who shock Americans by never having been to Stratford-on-Avon. It is true that I have read Shakespeare–and even his commentators, which gives me the pull over Shakespeare himself; it is true that I agree with the persons who haven’t read him that he is the greatest poet the world has ever seen or is likely to see; it is true that Shakespeare is part of my life and thought; but somehow my interest in him does not extend to his second-best bed, and I do not greatly yearn to see the room in which Bacon was not born. I do not even care whether Shakespeare was written by Shakespeare or “by another man of the same name.” Do you remember that poem of Amy Levy’s, telling of how she sat listening to people chattering about a dead, poet they had known, his looks and ways, and thinking to herself–

I, who had never seen your face,
Perhaps I knew you best.

It is this flaw in an otherwise well regulated mind, this “blind spot” in my spiritual eye, that perhaps makes me attach undue unimportance to the attraction of autographs.
There is an eminent actress who invariably refuses to send her autograph; but the eminent actor who is her husband invariably sends a letter of apology to the disappointed correspondent. Since I am in the mood for confessions, let me candidly admit that my own attitude has a somewhat similar duality. Though I curse in these pages, I bless like Balaam when it comes to the point. Never have I omitted to return a sufficiently stamped, envelope with the coveted sign-manual–never twice alike. Never have I failed to put my name in a birthday book under a specific date–never twice alike. And though I hate to answer applications for autographs, I should be still more annoyed not to receive them. And as for sneering at the ladies, they have, I vow, no more constant admirer. I could, indeed, desire that when they are next angry with me they would read me before they criticise me; that they would base their denunciations on my text, and my whole text, rather than on some paper’s mistaken comment upon another paper’s inaccurate extract. But nothing that they can say of me, however harsh, shall, I protest, abate a jot of my respect for them or myself.