The Comic Lovers
by
Oh, they are funny! The comic lovers’ mission in life is to serve as a sort of “relief” to the misery caused the audience by the other characters in the play; and all that is wanted now is something that will be a relief to the comic lovers.
They have nothing to do with the play, but they come on immediately after anything very sad has happened and make love. This is why we watch sad scenes on the stage with such patience. We are not eager for them to be got over. Maybe they are very uninteresting scenes, as well as sad ones, and they make us yawn; but we have no desire to see them hurried through. The longer they take the better pleased we are: we know that when they are finished the comic lovers will come on.
They are always very rude to each other, the comic lovers. Everybody is more or less rude and insulting to every body else on the stage; they call it repartee there! We tried the effect of a little stage “repartee” once upon some people in real life, and we wished we hadn’t afterward. It was too subtle for them. They summoned us before a magistrate for “using language calculated to cause a breach of the peace.” We were fined 2 pounds and costs!
They are more lenient to “wit and humor” on the stage, and know how to encourage the art of vituperation. But the comic lovers carry the practice almost to excess. They are more than rude–they are abusive. They insult each other from morning to night. What their married life will be like we shudder to think!
In the various slanging matches and bullyragging competitions which form their courtship it is always the maiden that is most successful. Against her merry flow of invective and her girlish wealth of offensive personalities the insolence and abuse of her boyish adorer cannot stand for one moment.
To give an idea of how the comic lovers woo, we perhaps cannot do better than subjoin the following brief example:
SCENE: Main thoroughfare in populous district of London. Time: Noon. Not a soul to be seen anywhere.
Enter comic loveress R., walking in the middle of the road.
Enter comic lover L., also walking in the middle of the road.
They neither see the other until they bump against each other in the center.
HE. Why, Jane! Who’d a’ thought o’ meeting you here!
SHE. You evidently didn’t–stoopid!
HE. Halloo! got out o’ bed the wrong side again? I say, Jane, if you go on like that you’ll never get a man to marry you.
SHE. So I thought when I engaged myself to you.
HE. Oh! come, Jane, don’t be hard.
SHE. Well, one of us must be hard. You’re soft enough.
HE. Yes, I shouldn’t want to marry you if I weren’t. Ha! ha! ha!
SHE. Oh, you gibbering idiot! (Said archly.)
HE. So glad I am. We shall make a capital match (attempts to kiss her).
SHE (slipping away). Yes, and you’ll find I’m a match that can strike (fetches him a violent blow over the side if the head).
HE (holding his jaw–in a literal sense, we mean). I can’t help feeling smitten by her.
SHE. Yes, I’m a bit of a spanker, ain’t I?
HE. Spanker. I call you a regular stunner. You’ve nearly made me silly.
SHE (laughing playfully). No, nature did that for you, Joe, long ago.
HE. Ah, well, you’ve made me smart enough now, you boss-eyed old cow, you!
SHE. Cow! am I? Ah, I suppose that’s what makes me so fond of a calf, you German sausage on legs! You–
HE. Go along. Your mother brought you up on sour milk.
SHE. Yah! They weaned you on thistles, didn’t they?
And so on, with such like badinage do they hang about in the middle of that road, showering derision and contumely upon each other for full ten minutes, when, with one culminating burst of mutual abuse, they go off together fighting and the street is left once more deserted.