FullReads

And if any grow weak in spirit and retreat from this society, and afterwards repent and wish again to join, he shall be permitted to do so on condition of repeating the words, “Oh, ah!” “Lor!” “Such is life,” “That’s cheerful,” “He’s a lively man, is Mr. So-and-so” ten times over. For these are refreshing and beautiful words and mean much (!), they are the emblems of such talent.

And any members are at liberty to have small meetings among themselves, especially to tea, whereat they may enjoy the ever fresh and pleasant luxury of scandal and mischief-making, and prepare their accusations and taunts for the next general meeting; and this is not only permitted but enjoined and recommended strongly to all the members.

And sentences shall be written for the training of any young hand who wishes to become one of us, since none can hope to arrive at once at the pitch of perfection to which the society has brought the art. And if that any should be heard of his own free will and invention uttering one or more of these sentences and by these means indicate much talent in the required direction, he shall be waited on by a committee of the club and induced, if possible, to join us, for he will be an acquisition; and the sentences required are such as: “I think so-and-so a very jolly fellow, indeed I don’t know a man in the college I like better than so-and-so, but I don’t care twopence about him, at least it is all the same to me whether he cuts me or not.”

The beauty of this sentence is not at first appreciable, for though self-deceit and self-satisfaction are both very powerfully demonstrated in it, and though these are some of the society’s most vehement supporters, yet it is the good goddess Talebearer who nourisheth the seed of mischief thus sown.

It is also strictly forbidden by this society’s laws to form a firm friendship grounded upon esteem and a perception of great and good qualities in the object of one’s liking, for this kind of friendship lasts a long time–nay, for life; but each member must have a furious and passionate running after his friend for the time being, insomuch that he could never part for an instant from him. And when the society sees this it feels comfortable, for it is quite certain that its objects are being promoted, for this cannot be brought about by any but unnatural means and is the foundation and very soul of quarrelling. The stroking of the hair and affectionate embracings are much recommended, for they are so manly.

And at the suppers and the rites of Talebearer each member is to drop an anonymous opinion of some other member’s character into a common letter box, and the president shall read them out. Each member is to defend himself; the formula for the commencement of each speech being: “I know who wrote that about me, and it is a very blackguardly thing of him to say . . . “

N.B.–Any number of persons are allowed to speak at the same time. By these means it is hoped to restore strife and dissension to the world, now alas! so fatally subjugated to a mean-spirited thing called Charity, which during the last month has been perfectly rampant in the college. Yes, we will give a helping hand to bickerings, petty jealousies, back-bitings, and all sorts of good things, and will be as jolly as ninepence and–who’ll be the first president?