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Popular Fallacies
by
XIII.–THAT YOU MUST LOVE ME, AND LOVE MY DOG
“Good sir, or madam, as it may be–we most willingly embrace the offer of your friendship. We long have known your excellent qualities. We have wished to have you nearer to us; to hold you within the very innermost fold of our heart. We can have no reserve towards a person of your open and noble nature. The frankness of your humour suits us exactly. We have been long looking for such a friend. Quick–let us disburthen our troubles into each other’s bosom–let us make our single joys shine by reduplication–But yap, yap, yap!–what is this confounded cur? he has fastened his tooth, which is none of the bluntest, just in the fleshy part of my leg.”
“It is my dog, sir. You must love him for my sake. Here, Test–Test–Test!”
“But he has bitten me.”
“Ay, that he is apt to do, till you are better acquainted with him. I have had him three years. He never bites me.”
Yap, yap, yap!–“He is at it again.”
“Oh, sir, you must not kick him. He does not like to be kicked. I expect my dog to be treated with all the respect due to myself.”
“But do you always take him out with you, when you go a friendship-hunting?”
“Invariably. ‘Tis the sweetest, prettiest, best-conditioned animal. I call him my test–the touchstone by which I try a friend. No one can properly be said to love me, who does not love him.”
“Excuse us, dear sir–or madam aforesaid–if upon further consideration we are obliged to decline the otherwise invaluable offer of your friendship. We do not like dogs.”
“Mighty well, sir–you know the conditions–you may have worse offers. Come along, Test.”
The above dialogue is not so imaginary, but that, in the intercourse of life, we have had frequent occasions of breaking off an agreeable intimacy by reason of these canine appendages. They do not always come in the shape of dogs; they sometimes wear the more plausible and human character of kinsfolk, near acquaintances, my friend’s friend, his partner, his wife, or his children. We could never yet form a friendship–not to speak of more delicate correspondences–however much to our taste, without the intervention of some third anomaly, some impertinent clog affixed to the relation–the understood dog in the proverb. The good things of life are not to be had singly, but come to us with a mixture; like a schoolboy’s holiday, with a task affixed to the tail of it. What a delightful companion is ****, if he did not always bring his tall cousin with him! He seems to grow with him; like some of those double births, which we remember to have read of with such wonder and delight in the old “Athenian Oracle,” where Swift commenced author by writing Pindaric Odes (what a beginning for him!) upon Sir William Temple. There is the picture of the brother, with the little brother peeping out at his shoulder; a species of fraternity, which we have no name of kin close enough to comprehend. When **** comes, poking in his head and shoulders into your room, as if to feel his entry, you think, surely you have now got him to yourself–what a three hours’ chat we shall have!–but, ever in the haunch of him, and before his diffident body is well disclosed in your apartment, appears the haunting shadow of the cousin, over-peering his modest kinsman, and sure to over-lay the expected good talk with his insufferable procerity of stature, and uncorresponding dwarfishness of observation. Misfortunes seldom come alone. ‘Tis hard when a blessing comes accompanied. Cannot we like Sempronia, without sitting down to chess with her eternal brother? or know Sulpicia, without knowing all the round of her card-playing relations? must my friend’s brethren of necessity be mine also? must we be hand and glove with Dick Selby the parson, or Jack Selby the calico printer, because W.S., who is neither, but a ripe wit and a critic, has the misfortune to claim a common parentage with them? Let him lay down his brothers; and ’tis odds but we will cast him in a pair of ours (we have a superflux) to balance the concession. Let F.H. lay down his garrulous uncle; and Honorius dismiss his vapid wife, and superfluous establishment of six boys–things between boy and manhood–too ripe for play, too raw for conversation–that come in, impudently staring their father’s old friend out of countenance; and will neither aid, nor let alone, the conference: that we may once more meet upon equal terms, as we were wont to do in the disengaged state of bachelorhood.