PAGE 2
On Tenderfeet
by
“My dear fellow,” you remark, “did you not see that the thing for you to do was to head them down by the bottom of that little gulch there? Don’t you really think ANYBODY would have seen it? What in hades do you think I wanted to run my horse all through those boulders for? Do you think I want to get him lame ‘way up here in the hills? I don’t mind telling a man a thing once, but to tell it to him fifty-eight times and then have it do no good– Have you the faintest recollection of my instructing you to turn the bight OVER instead of UNDER when you throw that pack-hitch? If you’d remember that, we shouldn’t have had all this trouble.”
“You didn’t tell me to head them by the little gulch,” babbles Algernon.
This is just the utterly fool reply that upsets your artificial and elaborate courtesy. You probably foam at the mouth, and dance on your hat, and shriek wild imploring imprecations to the astonished hills. This is not because you have an unfortunate disposition, but because Algernon has been doing precisely the same thing for two months.
“Listen to him!” you howl. “Didn’t tell him! Why you gangle-legged bug-eyed soft-handed pop-eared tenderfoot, you! there are some things you never THINK of telling a man. I never told you to open your mouth to spit, either. If you had a hired man at five dollars a year who was so all-around hopelessly thick-headed and incompetent as you are, you’d fire him to-morrow morning.”
Then Algernon looks truly sorry, and doesn’t answer back as he ought to in order to give occasion for the relief of a really soul-satisfying scrap, and utters the soft answer humbly. So your wrath is turned and there remain only the dregs which taste like some of Algernon’s cooking.
It is rather good fun to relieve the bitterness of the heart. Let me tell you a few more tales of the tenderfoot, premising always that I love him, and when at home seek him out to smoke pipes at his fireside, to yarn over the trail, to wonder how much rancor he cherishes against the maniacs who declaimed against him, and by way of compensation to build up in the mind of his sweetheart, his wife, or his mother a fearful and wonderful reputation for him as the Terror of the Trail. These tales are selected from many, mere samples of a varied experience. They occurred here, there, and everywhere, and at various times. Let no one try to lay them at the door of our Tenderfoot merely because such is his title in this narrative. We called him that by way of distinction.
Once upon a time some of us were engaged in climbing a mountain rising some five thousand feet above our starting-place. As we toiled along, one of the pack-horses became impatient and pushed ahead. We did not mind that, especially, as long as she stayed in sight, but in a little while the trail was closed in by brush and timber.
“Algernon,” said we, “just push on and get ahead of that mare, will you?”
Algernon disappeared. We continued to climb. The trail was steep and rather bad. The labor was strenuous, and we checked off each thousand feet with thankfulness. As we saw nothing further of Algernon, we naturally concluded he had headed the mare and was continuing on the trail. Then through a little opening we saw him riding cheerfully along without a care to occupy his mind. Just for luck we hailed him.
“Hi there, Algernon! Did you find her?”
“Haven’t seen her yet.”
“Well, you’d better push on a little faster. She may leave the trail at the summit.”
Then one of us, endowed by heaven with a keen intuitive instinct for tenderfeet,–no one could have a knowledge of them, they are too unexpected,–had an inspiration.