FullReads

I wish I could repeat the little Circumstances of a Conversation of the four Lovers with the Spirit in which the young Lady, I had my Account from, represented it at a Visit where I had the Honour to be present; but it seems Dick Crastin, the admirer of Honoria, and Tom Tulip, the Pretender to Flavia, were purposely admitted together by the Ladies, that each might shew the other that her Lover had the Superiority in the Accomplishments of that sort of Creature whom the sillier Part of Women call a fine Gentleman. As this Age has a much more gross Taste in Courtship, as well as in every thing else, than the last had, these Gentlemen are Instances of it in their different Manner of Application. Tulip is ever making Allusions to the Vigour of his Person, the sinewy Force of his Make; while Crastin professes a wary Observation of the Turns of his Mistress’s Mind. Tulip gives himself the Air of a restless Ravisher, Crastin practises that of a skilful Lover. Poetry is the inseparable Property of every Man in Love; and as Men of Wit write Verses on those Occasions, the rest of the World repeat the Verses of others. These Servants of the Ladies were used to imitate their Manner of Conversation, and allude to one another, rather than interchange Discourse in what they said when they met. Tulip the other Day seized his Mistress’s Hand, and repeated out of Ovid’s Art of Love,

‘Tis I can in soft Battles pass the Night,
Yet rise next Morning vigorous for the Fight,
Fresh as the Day, and active as the Light.

Upon hearing this, Crastin, with an Air of Deference, played Honoria’s Fan, and repeated,

Sedley has that prevailing gentle Art,
That can with a resistless Charm impart
The loosest Wishes to the chastest Heart:
Raise such a Conflict, kindle such a Fire,
Between declining Virtue and Desire,
Till the poor vanquish’d Maid dissolves away
In Dreams all Night, in Sighs and Tears all Day. [1]

When Crastin had uttered these Verses with a Tenderness which at once spoke Passion and Respect, Honoria cast a triumphant Glance at Flavia, as exulting in the Elegance of Crastin’s Courtship, and upbraiding her with the Homeliness of Tulip’s. Tulip understood the Reproach, and in Return began to applaud the Wisdom of old amorous Gentlemen, who turned their Mistress’s Imagination as far as possible from what they had long themselves forgot, and ended his Discourse with a sly Commendation of the Doctrine of Platonick Love; at the same time he ran over, with a laughing Eye, Crastin’s thin Legs, meagre Looks, and spare Body. The old Gentleman immediately left the Room with some Disorder, and the Conversation fell upon untimely Passion, After-Love, and unseasonable Youth. Tulip sung, danced, moved before the Glass, led his Mistress half a Minuet, hummed

Celia the Fair, in the bloom of Fifteen;

when there came a Servant with a Letter to him, which was as follows.

SIR,

‘I understand very well what you meant by your Mention of Platonick Love. I shall be glad to meet you immediately in Hide-Park, or behind Montague-House, or attend you to Barn-Elms, [2] or any other fashionable Place that’s fit for a Gentleman to die in, that you shall appoint for,

Sir, Your most Humble Servant,
Richard Crastin.

Tulip’s Colour changed at the reading of this Epistle; for which Reason his Mistress snatched it to read the Contents. While she was doing so Tulip went away, and the Ladies now agreeing in a Common Calamity, bewailed together the Danger of their Lovers. They immediately undressed to go out, and took Hackneys to prevent Mischief: but, after alarming all Parts of the Town, Crastin was found by his Widow in his Pumps at Hide-Park, which Appointment Tulip never kept, but made his Escape into the Country. Flavia tears her Hair for his inglorious Safety, curses and despises her Charmer, is fallen in Love with Crastin: Which is the first Part of the History of the Rival Mother.

R.

[Footnote 1: Rochester’s ‘Imitations of Horace’, Sat. I. 10.]

[Footnote 2: A famous duelling place under elm trees, in a meadow half surrounded by the Thames.]