Rival Topics.[1]AN EXTRAVAGANZA. Oh Wellington and Stephenson,Oh morn and evening papers,Times, Herald, Courier, Globe, and Sun,When will ye cease our ears to stunWith these two heroes’ capers?Still “Stephenson” and “Wellington,”The everlasting two!–Still doomed, from rise to set of sun,To hear what mischief one has done,And t’other means to do:–What bills the banker past to friends,But […]

ADDRESSED TO ROBERT SOUTHEY, ESQ. When erst, my Southey, thy tuneful tongueThe terrible tale of Thalaba sung–Of him, the Destroyer, doomed to routThat grim divan of conjurors out,Whose dwelling dark, as legends say,Beneath the roots of the ocean lay,(Fit place for deep ones, such as they,)How little thou knewest, dear Dr. Southey,Altho’ bright genius all […]

Let History boast of her Romans and Spartans,And tell how they stood against tyranny’s shock;They were all, I confess, in my eye, Betty MartinsCompared to George Grote and his wonderful Box. Ask, where Liberty now has her seat?–Oh, it isn’tBy Delaware’s banks or on Switzerland’s rocks;–Like an imp in some conjuror’s bottle imprisoned,She’s slyly shut […]

Tho’ famed was Mesmer, in his day,Nor less so, in ours, is Dupotet,To say nothing of all the wonders doneBy that wizard, Dr. Elliotson,When, standing as if the gods to invoke, heUp waves his arm, and–down drops Okey![1]Tho’ strange these things, to mind and sense,If you wish still stranger things to see–If you wish to […]

1825. A Bishop and a bold dragoon,Both heroes in their way,Did thus, of late, one afternoon,Unto each other say:–“Dear bishop,” quoth the brave huzzar,“As nobody denies“That you a wise logician are,“And I am–otherwise,“‘Tis fit that in this question, we“Stick each to his own art–“That yours should be the sophistry,“And mine the fighting part.“My creed, I […]

Oh, have you heard what hapt of late?If not, come lend an ear,While sad I state the piteous fateOf the Reverend Pamphleteer. All praised his skilful jockeyship,Loud rung the Tory cheer,While away, away, with spur and whip,Went the Reverend Pamphleteer. The nag he rode–how could it err?‘Twas the same that took, last year,That wonderful jump […]

Of all the odd plans of this monstrously queer age,The oddest is that of reforming the peerage;–Just as if we, great dons, with a title and star,Did not get on exceedingly well as we are,And perform all the functions of noodles by birthAs completely as any born noodles on earth. How acres descend, is in […]

Arrah, where were you, Murthagh, that beautiful day?–Or how came it your riverence was laid on the shelf,When that poor craythur, Bobby–as you were away–Had to make twice as big a Tomfool of himself. Troth, it wasn’t at all civil to lave in the lurchA boy so deserving your tindhr’est affection:–Too such iligant Siamase twins […]

After some observations from Dr. M’GrigOn that fossil reliquium called Petrified Wig,Or Perruquolithus–a specimen rareOf those wigs made for antediluvian wear,Which, it seems, stood the Flood without turning a hair–Mr. Tomkins rose up, and requested attentionTo facts no less wondrous which he had to mention. Some large fossil creatures had lately been found,Of a species […]

Thoughts On the Late Destructive Propositions of the Tories.[1]BY A COMMON-COUNCILMAN 1835. I sat me down in my easy chair,To read, as usual, the morning papers;But–who shall describe my look of despair,When I came to Lefroy’s “destructive” capers!That he–that, of all live men, LefroyShould join in the cry “Destroy, destroy!”Who, even when a babe, as […]

To THE AIR OF “UNFORTUNATE MISS BAILEY.” 1835. Not long in bed had Lyndhurst lain,When, as his lamp burned dimly,The ghosts of corporate bodies slain,[1]Stood by his bedside grimly.Dead aldermen who once could feast,But now, themselves, are fed on,And skeletons of mayors deceased,This doleful chorus led on:–Oh Lord Lyndhurst,“Unmerciful Lord Lyndhurst,“Corpses we,“All burkt by thee,“Unmerciful […]

1834. Half Whig, half Tory, like those mid-way things,‘Twixt bird and beast, that by mistake have wings;A mongrel Stateman, ‘twixt two factions nurst,Who, of the faults of each, combines the worst–The Tory’s loftiness, the Whigling’s sneer,The leveller’s rashness, and the bigot’s fear:The thirst for meddling, restless still to showHow Freedom’s clock, repaired by Whigs, will […]

“And drink oblivion to our woes.”Anna Matilda. 1829. Talk no more of your Cheltenham and Harrowgate springs,‘Tis from Lethe we now our potations must draw;Yon Lethe‘s a cure for–all possible things,And the doctors have named it the Wellington Spa. Other physical waters but cure you in part;One cobbles your gout–t’other mends your digestion–Some settle your […]

“And those things do best please me,That befall preposterously.”PUCK Junior, Midsummer Night’s Dream. Who wants old Puck? for here am I,A mongrel imp, ‘twixt earth and sky,Ready alike to crawl or fly;Now in the mud, now in the air,And, so ’tis for mischief, reckless where. As to my knowledge, there’s no end to’t,For, where I […]

Dear John, as I know, like our brother of London,You’ve sipt of all knowledge, both sacred and mundane,No doubt, in some ancient Joe Miller, you’ve readWhat Cato, that cunning old Roman, once said–That he ne’er saw two reverend sooth-say ers meet,Let it be where it might, in the shrine or the street,Without wondering the rogues, […]

No. 1. LEAVE ME ALONE. A PASTORAL BALLAD. “We are ever standing on the defensive. All that we say to them is, ‘leave us alone.’ The Established Church is part and parcel of the constitution of this country. You are bound to conform to this constitution. We ask of you nothing more:–let us alone.” –Letter […]

From tongue to tongue the rumor flew;All askt, aghast, “Is’t true? is’t true?”But none knew whether ’twas fact or fable:And still the unholy rumor ran,From Tory woman to Tory man,Tho’ none to come at the truth was able–Till, lo! at last, the fact came out,The horrible fact, beyond all doubt,That Dan had dined at the […]

FOR THE PROMOTION OF THE SPEED OF LITERATURE. Loud complaints being made in these quick-reading times,Of too slack a supply both of prose works and rhymes,A new Company, formed on the keep-moving plan,First proposed by the great firm of Catch-’em-who-can,Beg to say they’ve now ready, in full wind and speed,Some fast-going authors, of quite a […]

Come, step in, gentlefolks, here ye may viewAn exact and natural representation(Like Siburn’s Model of Waterloo[1])Of the Lords and Commons of this here nation. There they are–all cut out in cork–The “Collective Wisdom” wondrous to see;My eyes! when all them heads are at work,What a vastly weighty consarn it must be. As for the “wisdom,”–that […]

ADDRESSED TO THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLE OF THE CHURCH IN THE LAST NUMBER OFThe Quarterly Review. I’m quite of your mind;–tho’ these Pats cry aloudThat they’ve got “too much Church,” ’tis all nonsense and stuff;For Church is like Love, of which Figaro vowedThat even too much of it’s not quite enough. Ay! dose them […]