And he told a tale.–Chronicles of Gautama Buddha. Far from the haunts of Company Officers who insist upon kit-inspections, far from keen-nosed Sergeants who sniff the pipe stuffed into the bedding-roll, two miles from the tumult of the barracks, lies the Trap. It is an old dry well, shadowed by a twisted pipal tree and […]

Did ye see John Malone, wid his shinin’, brand-new hat? Did ye see how he walked like a grand aristocrat? There was flags an’ banners wavin’ high, an’ dhress and shtyle were shown, But the best av all the company was Misther John Malone. John Malone. There had been a royal dog-fight in the ravine […]

An’ when the war began, we chased the bold Afghan, An’ we made the bloomin’ Ghazi for to flee, boys O! An’ we marched into Kabul, an’ we tuk the Balar ‘Issar An’ we taught ’em to respec’ the British Soldier. Barrack Room Ballad. Mulvaney, Ortheris and Learoyd are Privates in B Company of a […]

Hit a man an’ help a woman, an’ ye can’t be far wrong anyways.–Maxims of Private Mulvaney. The Inexpressibles gave a ball. They borrowed a seven-pounder from the Gunners, and wreathed it with laurels, and made the dancing-floor plate-glass and provided a supper, the like of which had never been eaten before, and set two […]

Jain ‘Ardin’ was a Sarjint’s wife, A Sarjint’s wife wus she, She married of ‘im in Orldershort An’ comed across the sea. (Chorus) ‘Ave you never ‘eard tell o’ Jain ‘Ardin’? Jain ‘Ardin’? Jain ‘Ardin’? ‘Ave you never ‘eard tell o’ Jain ‘Ardin’? The pride o’ the Companee? Old Barrack Room Ballad. “A gentleman who […]

Oh! Where would I be when my froat was dry? Oh! Where would I be when the bullets fly? Oh! Where would I be when I come to die? Why, Somewheres anigh my chum. If ‘e’s liquor ‘e’ll give me some, If I’m dyin’ ‘e’ll ‘old my ‘ead, An’ ‘e’ll write ’em ‘Ome when I’m […]

(1912) The A.B.C., that semi-elected, semi-nominated body of a few score persons, controls the Planet. Transportation is Civilisation, our motto runs. Theoretically we do what we please, so long as we do not interfere with the traffic and all it implies. Practically, the A.B.C. confirms or annuls all international arrangements, and, to judge from its […]

(March 1914) The valley was so choked with fog that one could scarcely see a cow’s length across a field. Every blade, twig, bracken-frond, and hoof-print carried water, and the air was filled with the noise of rushing ditches and field-drains, all delivering to the brook below. A week’s November rain on water-logged land had […]

(1911) ‘A throbbing vein,’ said Dr. Gilbert soothingly, ‘is the mother of delusion.’ ‘Then how do you account for my knowing when the thing is due?’ Conroy’s voice rose almost to a break. ‘Of course, but you should have consulted a doctor before using–palliatives.’ ‘It was driving me mad. And now I can’t give them […]

(1911) A hooded motor had followed mine from the Guildford Road up the drive to The Infant’s ancestral hall, and had turned off to the stables. ‘We’re having a quiet evening together. Stalky’s upstairs changing. Dinner’s at 7.15 sharp, because we’re hungry. His room’s next to yours,’ said The Infant, nursing a cobwebbed bottle of […]

(April 1914) My friend Attley, who would give away his own head if you told him you had lost yours, was giving away a six-months-old litter of Bettina’s pups, and half-a-dozen women were in raptures at the show on Mittleham lawn. We picked by lot. Mrs. Godfrey drew first choice; her married daughter, second. I […]

(1913) Our drive till then had been quite a success. The other men in the car were my friend Woodhouse, young Ollyett, a distant connection of his, and Pallant, the M.P. Woodhouse’s business was the treatment and cure of sick journals. He knew by instinct the precise moment in a newspaper’s life when the impetus […]

(1912) ‘So the matter,’ the Regimental Chaplain concluded, ‘was correct; in every way correct. I am well pleased with Rutton Singh and Attar Singh. They have gathered the fruit of their lives.’ He folded his arms and sat down on the verandah. The hot day had ended, and there was a pleasant smell of cooking […]

(1917) Regulus, a Roman general, defeated the Carthaginians 256 B.C., but was next year defeated and taken prisoner by the Carthaginians, who sent him to Rome with an embassy to ask for peace or an exchange of prisoners. Regulus strongly advised the Roman Senate to make no terms with the enemy. He then returned to […]

(1913) Ah! What avails the classic bent, And what the chosen word, Against the undoctored incident That actually occurred? And what is Art whereto we press Through paint and prose and rhyme– When Nature in her nakedness Defeats us every time? ‘Hi! Hi! Hold your horses! Stop!… Well! Well!’ A lean man in a sable-lined […]

(1911) The Rt. Hon. R.B. Haldane, Secretary of State for War[6], was questioned in the House of Commons on April 8th about the rocking-horses which the War Office is using for the purpose of teaching recruits to ride. Lord Ronaldshay asked the War Secretary if rocking-horses were to be supplied to all the cavalry regiments […]

(1913) He had suffered from the disease of the century since his early youth, and before he was thirty he was heavily marked with it. He and a few friends had rearranged Heaven very comfortably, but the reorganisation of Earth, which they called Society, was even greater fun. It demanded Work in the shape of […]

(August 1914) ‘Thy Lord spoke by inspiration to the Bee.’ AL KORAN. I have, to my grief and loss, suppressed several notable stories of my friend, the Hon. A.M. Penfentenyou[8], once Minister of Woods and Waysides in De Thouar’s first administration; later, Premier in all but name of one of Our great and growing Dominions; […]

(January 1915) When the first waves of feverish cold stole over Frau Ebermann she very wisely telephoned for the doctor and went to bed. He diagnosed the attack as mild influenza, prescribed the appropriate remedies, and left her to the care of her one servant in her comfortable Berlin flat. Frau Ebermann, beneath the thick […]

(1915) Of Miss Mary Postgate, Lady McCausland wrote that she was ‘thoroughly conscientious, tidy, companionable, and ladylike. I am very sorry to part with her, and shall always be interested in her welfare.’ Miss Fowler engaged her on this recommendation, and to her surprise, for she had had experience of companions, found that it was […]