–[Crowded out of “A Tramp Abroad” to make room for more vital statistics.–M. T.] The Parisian travels but little, he knows no language but his own, reads no literature but his own, and consequently he is pretty narrow and pretty self-sufficient. However, let us not be too sweeping; there are Frenchmen who know languages not […]

–[Left out of “A Tramp Abroad” because its authenticity seemed doubtful, and could not at that time be proved.–M. T.] More than a thousand years ago this small district was a kingdom –a little bit of a kingdom, a sort of dainty little toy kingdom, as one might say. It was far removed from the […]

AT THE BANQUET, IN CHICAGO, GIVEN BY THE ARMY OF THE TENNESSEE TO THEIR FIRST COMMANDER, GENERAL U. S. GRANT, NOVEMBER, 1879 The fifteenth regular toast was “The Babies–as they comfort us in our sorrows, let us not forget them in our festivities.” I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to […]

AT THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY’S SEVENTY-FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY The next toast was: “The Oldest Inhabitant–The Weather of New England.” Who can lose it and forget it?Who can have it and regret it? Be interposes ‘twixt us Twain.Merchant of Venice. To this Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) replied as follows:– I reverently believe […]

–[Being part of a chapter which was crowded out of “A Tramp Abroad.”– M.T.] There was as Englishman in our compartment, and he complimented me on– on what? But you would never guess. He complimented me on my English. He said Americans in general did not speak the English language as correctly as I did. […]

This Man Rogers happened upon me and introduced himself at the town of —–, in the South of England, where I stayed awhile. His stepfather had married a distant relative of mine who was afterward hanged; and so he seemed to think a blood relationship existed between us. He came in every day and sat […]

When I was a boy my uncle and his big boys hunted with the rifle, the youngest boy Fred and I with a shotgun–a small single-barrelled shotgun which was properly suited to our size and strength; it was not much heavier than a broom. We carried it turn about, half an hour at a time. […]

The conversation drifted smoothly and pleasantly along from weather to crops, from crops to literature, from literature to scandal, from scandal to religion; then took a random jump, and landed on the subject of burglar alarms. And now for the first time Mr. McWilliams showed feeling. Whenever I perceive this sign on this man’s dial, […]

Once upon a time an artist who had painted a small and very beautiful picture placed it so that he could see it in the mirror. He said, “This doubles the distance and softens it, and it is twice as lovely as it was before.” The animals out in the woods heard of this through […]

These chapters are for children, and I shall try to make the words large enough to command respect. In the hope that you are listening, and that you have confidence in me, I will proceed. Dates are difficult things to acquire; and after they are acquired it is difficult to keep them in the head. […]

A grand affair of a ball–the Pioneers’–came off at the Occidental some time ago. The following notes of the costumes worn by the belles of the occasion may not be uninteresting to the general reader, and Jerkins may get an idea therefrom: Mrs. W. M. was attired in an elegant ‘pate de foie gras,’ made […]

The facts in the following case came to me by letter from a young lady who lives in the beautiful city of San Jose; she is perfectly unknown to me, and simply signs herself “Aurelia Maria,” which may possibly be a fictitious name. But no matter, the poor girl is almost heartbroken by the misfortunes […]

Against all chambermaids, of whatsoever age or nationality, I launch the curse of bachelordom! Because: They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the bed from the gas- burner, so that while you read and smoke before sleeping (as is the ancient and honored custom of bachelors), you have to hold your book […]

“Now that corpse,” said the undertaker, patting the folded hands of deceased approvingly, was a brick-every way you took him he was a brick. He was so real accommodating, and so modest-like and simple in his last moments. Friends wanted metallic burial-case–nothing else would do. I couldn’t get it. There warn’t going to be time–anybody […]

The other burlesque I have referred to was my fine satire upon the financial expedients of “cooking dividends,” a thing which became shamefully frequent on the Pacific coast for a while. Once more, in my self-complacent simplicity I felt that the time had arrived for me to rise up and be a reformer. I put […]

Now, to show how really hard it is to foist a moral or a truth upon an unsuspecting public through a burlesque without entirely and absurdly missing one’s mark, I will here set down two experiences of my own in this thing. In the fall of 1862, in Nevada and California, the people got to […]

I did not take temporary editorship of an agricultural paper without misgivings. Neither would a landsman take command of a ship without misgivings. But I was in circumstances that made the salary an object. The regular editor of the paper was going off for a holiday, and I accepted the terms he offered, and took […]

As I passed along by one of those monster American tea stores in New York, I found a Chinaman sitting before it acting in the capacity of a sign. Everybody that passed by gave him a steady stare as long as their heads would twist over their shoulders without dislocating their necks, and a group […]

DELIVERED IN HARTFORD, AT A DINNER TO CORNELIUS WALFORD, OF LONDON GENTLEMEN: I am glad, indeed, to assist in welcoming the distinguished guest of this occasion to a city whose fame as an insurance center has extended to all lands, and given us the name of being a quadruple band of brothers working sweetly hand […]

CHAPTER I [Scene-An Artist’s Studio in Rome.] “Oh, George, I do love you!” “Bless your dear heart, Mary, I know that–why is your father so obdurate?” “George, he means well, but art is folly to him–he only understands groceries. He thinks you would starve me.” “Confound his wisdom–it savors of inspiration. Why am I not […]