AS TOLD BEFORE THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY IN NEW YORK CITY Since we have had no stories to-night I will venture, Mr. President, to tell a story that I have heretofore heard at nearly all the banquets I have ever attended. It is a story simply, and you must bear with it kindly. It is […]

BENJ. F. JOHNSON VISITS THE EDITOR It was a dim and chill and loveless afternoon in the late fall of eighty-three when I first saw the genial subject of this hasty sketch. From time to time the daily paper on which I worked had been receiving, among the general literary driftage of amateur essayists, poets […]

FATHER AND SON Mr. Judkins’ boy came home yesterday with a bottle of bugs in his pocket, and as the quiet little fellow sat on the back porch in his favorite position, his legs elbowed and flattened out beneath him like a letter “W,” his genial and eccentric father came suddenly upon him. “And what’s […]

Barely a year ago I attended the Friday afternoon exercises of a country school. My mission there, as I remember, was to refresh my mind with such material as might be gathered, for a “valedictory,” which, I regret to say, was to be handed down to posterity under another signature than my own. There was […]

Leedle Dutch baby haff come ter town!Jabber und jump till der day gone down–Jabber und sphlutter und sphlit hees jaws–Vot a Dutch baby dees Londsmon vas!I dink dose mout’ vas leedle too videOber he laugh fon dot altso-side!Haff got blenty off deemple und vrown–?Hey! Leedle Dutchman come ter town! Leedle Dutch baby, I dink me […]

Sence I tuk holt o’ Gibbses’ ChurnAnd be’n a-handlin’ the concern,I’ve travelled round the grand old StateOf Indiany, lots, o’ late–!I’ve canvassed Crawferdsville and sweatAround the town o’ Layfayette;I’ve saw a many a County-seatI ust to think was hard to beat:At constant dreenage and expenseI’ve worked Greencastle and Vincennes–Drapped out o’ Putnam into Clay,Owen, and […]

1The Hired Man Talks There’s old man Willards; an’ his wife;An’ Marg’et– S’repty’s sister–; an’There’s me– an’ I’m the hired man;An’ Tomps McClure, you better yer life! Well now, old Willards hain’t so bad,Considerin’ the chance he’s had.Of course, he’s rich, an’ sleeps an’ eatsWhenever he’s a mind to: TakesAn’ leans back in the Amen-seatsAn’ […]

The Town Karnteel–! It’s who’ll revealIts praises jushtifiable?For who can sing av anythingSo lovely and reliable?Whin Summer, Spring, or Winter liesFrom Malin’s Head to Tipperary,There’s no such town for interpriseBechuxt Youghal and Londonderry! There’s not its likes in Ireland–For twic’t the week, be gorries!They’re playing jigs upon the band,And joomping there in sacks– and– and–And […]

What dat scratchin’ at de kitchin do’?Done heah’n dat foh an hour er mo’!Tell you Mr. Niggah, das sho’s yo’ bo’n,Hit’s mighty lonesome waitin’ when de folks is gone! Blame my trap! How de wind do blow!An’ dis is das de night foh de witches, sho’!Dey’s trouble gon’ to waste when de old slut whine,An’ […]

“Best time to kill a hog’s when he’s fat.” –Old Saw. Mostly folks is law-abidin’Down on Wriggle Crick–,Seein’ they’s no Squire residin’In our bailywick;No grand juries, no suppeenies,Ner no vested rights to pickOut yer man, jerk up and jail efHe’s outragin’ Wriggle Crick! Wriggle Crick hain’t got no lawin’,Ner no suits to beat;Ner no court-house […]

Uncle Sidney, when he wuz here,Maked me a squirtgun out o’ someElder-bushes ‘at growed out nearWhere wuz the brickyard–‘way out clearTo where the toll-gate come! So when we walked back home again,He maked it, out in our woodhouse whereWuz the old workbench, an’ the old jack-plane,An’ the old ‘pokeshave, an’ the tools all lay’n’Ist like […]

The boy lives on our Farm, he’s notAfeard o’ horses none!An’ he can make ’em lope, er trot,Er rack, er pace, er run.Sometimes he drives two horses, whenHe comes to town an’ bringsA wagon-full o’ ‘taters nen,An’ roastin’-ears an’ things. Two horses is “a team,” he says,An’ when you drive er hitch,The right-un’s a “near-horse,” […]

I. Time of crisp and tawny leaves,And of tarnished harvest sheaves,And of dusty grasses–weeds–Thistles, with their tufted seedsVoyaging the Autumn breezeLike as fairy argosies:Time of quicker flash of wings,And of clearer twitteringsIn the grove, or deeper shadeOf the tangled everglade,–Where the spotted water-snakeCoils him in the sunniest brake;And the bittern, as in fright,Darts, in sudden, […]

When little Dickie Swope’s a man,He’s go’ to be a Sailor;An’ little Hamey Tincher, he’sA-go’ to be a Tailor:Bud Mitchell, he’s a-go’ to beA stylish Carriage-Maker;An’ when I grow a grea’-big man,I’m go’ to be a Baker! An’ Dick’ll buy his sailor-suitO’ Hame; and Hame’ll take itAn’ buy as fine a double-riggAs ever Bud can […]

Jes’ a little bit o’ feller–I remember still–Ust to almost cry fer Christmas, like a youngster will.Fourth o’ July’s nothin’ to it!–New Year’s ain’t a smell!Easter-Sunday–Circus-day–jes’ all dead in the shell!Lawzy, though! at night, you know, to set around an’ hearThe old folks work the story off about the sledge an’ deer,An’ “Santy” skootin’ round […]

Wunst I sassed my Pa, an’ heWon’t stand that, an’ punished me,–Nen when he was gone that day,I slipped out an’ runned away. I tooked all my copper-cents,An’ clumbed over our back fenceIn the jimpson-weeds ‘at growedEver’where all down the road. Nen I got out there, an’ nenI runned some–an’ runned againWhen I met a […]

I Winter withoutAnd warmth within;The winds may shoutAnd the storm begin;The snows may packAt the window pane,And the skies grow black,And the sun remainHidden awayThe livelong day–But here–in here is the warmth of May! II Swoop your spitefullestUp the flue,Wild Winds–do!What in the world do I care for you?O delightfullestWeather of all,Howl and squall,And shake […]

Wasn’t it pleasant, O brother mine,In those old days of the lost sunshineOf youth–when the Saturday’s chores were through,And the “Sunday’s wood” in the kitchen, too,And we went visiting, “me and you,”Out to Old Aunt Mary’s? It all comes back so clear to-day!Though I am as bald as you are gray–Out by the barn-lot, and […]

On the banks o’ Deer Crick! There’s the place fer me!–Worter slidin’ past ye jes as clair as it kin be:–See yer shadder in it, and the shadder o’ the sky,And the shadder o’ the buzzard as he goes a-lazein’ by;Shadder o’ the pizen-vines, and shadder o’ the trees–And I purt’-nigh said the shadder o’ […]

A Old Tramp slep’ in our stable wunst,An’ The Raggedy Man he caughtAn’ roust him up, an’ chased him offClean out through our back lot! An’ th’ Old Tramp hollered back an’ said,–“You’re a purty man!–You air!–With a pair o’ eyes like two fried eggs,An’ a nose like a Bartlutt pear!”