Two High School Heliotropes named Lib and Angie were very Thick. Each Girl kept a Nightie at the Other Girl’s House and, long after they had retired, the Inmates would hear smothered Giggles, interspersed with Fragments of what He said to Her and what She said to Him. The Period of their Adolescence was about […]

One pleasant morning the President of the Society for Promoting the Importation of Scotch Merchandise awoke after a Balloon Voyage which began 6 Feet below Sea Level in a Rathskeller and finished 2,000 feet above the Altitude recorded by Lincoln Beachey, the Man-Bird. When he Came To he discovered that the Pillow had climbed over […]

Once there was a side street Quartet consisting of Papa and Mamma and Gordon and Ethel. The ostensible Stroke Oar of this Domestic Combination was a Graduate of one of those Towns in which the Occidental Hotel faces the Depot and all Trains are met by a Popular Drayman wearing a Black Sweater. When he […]

Once there was a Boy who had been told twice a Day ever since he could remember that if he started to go into one of those Doggeries with swinging Doors in front and Mirrors along the Side, a Blue Flame would shoot out and burn him to a Cinder. Also he had been warned […]

All those who had Done Time at a certain endowed Institution for shaping and polishing Highbrows had to close in once a Year for a Banquet. They called it a Banquet because it would have been a Joke to call it a Dinner. The Invitations looked like real Type-Writing and called upon all the Loyal […]

One Morning a Precinct Parasite owing Allegiance to a Political Party of Progressive Principles went around to the dinge office of a Fuel Supply Co. to pull off the customary Fake Primary. He was met at the Door by a broad-faced Lady of benevolent Mien and black Ribbons on her Nose-Glasses, who told him to […]

Once there was a Porch Rat, who was also a Parlor Snake and a Hammock Hellion. He worked the popular Free Lunch Routes for thirty years before deciding to hook up and begin paying for his own Food and Drink. When he started flitting from Bud to Debutante to Ingenue to Fawn to Broiler to […]

Once in the dim dead Days beyond Recall, there lived a blue-eyed Gazook named Steve. We refer to the Period preceding the Uplift, when the Candidate wearing the largest collar was the People’s Choice for Alderman. A Good Citizen wishing to open a Murder Parlor needed a couple of Black Bottles, a Barrel of Sawdust […]

Once upon a Time there was a Bright Young Lawyer of ordinary Good Looks and Modest Bank Account who regarded the so-called Smart Set with scorching Contempt. Our Hero, whose name was Albert, refused to fall for the Parlor Game. Now there resided in this Town a certain High Priestess of the Socially Elect and […]

Once there was a Hireling at the tail-end of a Pay Roll who longed to get a Chunk of Money so that he could own a House and pick out his own Wall-Paper. He read an Ad in a Religious Weekly. It said to Hurry and get a Slice of the Bullkon Mining Company because […]

One morning a great Judge, who had been promoted to the Bench because he could not connect as a Lawyer, climbed up on his Perch and directed the Lord High Sheriff to feed him a few Defendants. “We have rounded up a tough bunch of Ginks,” said the Attorney for the Commonwealth. “I shall ask […]

One day a Married Woman who was entitled to a long row of Service Stripes on her Sleeve, sat in the Motor, and watched the remainder of the Sketch try out his new trick Monoplane. He scooted away with the Buzzer working overtime and soon was cloud- hopping about a Mile overhead. When he began […]

Once there was a Husky employed to crack the Whip around a smoky Works that did not offer an attractive Vista from the Car Window, although it blossomed with a fragrant crop of Dividends every time the Directors got together in the Back Room. Most of the American Workingmen employed in this Hive of Industry […]

Once there was a Girl with a gleaming New Hampshire Forehead who used to exchange helpful Books with a studious young Man who had an Intellect of high Voltage. It will not be necessary to name these Gazooks, as you never heard of them. Laura and Edgar were Comrades, in a way. They met under […]

Once there was a worried Parent whose only Son could not quite make up his Mind whether to join a High School Frat or go on the Stage. He was at the long-legged Age and walked Loose and stepped on his own Feet, and whenever he walked briskly across the Floor to ask some Tessie […]

Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, and sat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House with Box Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike. “Whither shall I guide you?” asked Ambition. “Are you far enough from the Shell to have any definite Hankering?” […]

One Monday Morning a rangy and well-conditioned Elfin of the Young Unmarried Set, yclept Loretta, emerged into the Sunlight and hit the Concrete Path with a ringing Heel. This uncrowned Empress of the 18th Ward was a she-Progressive assaying 98 per cent. pure Ginger. Instead of trailing the ever onward Parade, she juggled the Baton […]

Once there was a Gentleman of the deepest dye who was all out of Kelter. He felt like a list of Symptoms on the outside of a Dollar Bottle. He looked like the Picture you see in the Almanac entitled, “Before Taking.” When his Liver was at Perihelion, he had a Complexion suggesting an Alligator […]

Once a grammar-school Rabbit, struggling from long Trousers toward his first brier-wood Pipe, had Growing Pains which he diagnosed as the pangs of True Love. The Target was a dry-seasoned Fannie old enough to be his Godmother. She was a Post-Graduate who was keeping herself on Earth by running to the Drug-Store every few minutes. […]