Once upon a Time there was a long-headed Girl who used to sit in her own Room on Rainy Afternoons and evolve Theories. Her principal Ambition in Life was to stand Ace High with all the Nice Men of her Set. She hoped in the course of Time to tease one away from the Drove […]

A man who had three weeks of Vacation coming to him began to get busy with an Atlas about April 1st. He and his Wife figured that by keeping on the Jump they could do Niagara, Thousand Islands, Atlantic City, The Mammoth Cave and cover the Great Lakes. On April 10th they decided to charter […]

A man and Wife had three Sons. The first, named Abraham Lincoln Tibbetts, was born in 1862. His name was promptly abbreviated to Link. The second, who arrived in 1872, was christened Ulysses Simpson Grant Tibbetts. This was too long, so people called him Chub. The third was of the Vintage of 1882 and his […]

Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station. Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and Stock Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take on a Crate of Eggs. In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics with large […]

Once there was a tired Denizen of the Big Town whose home was at the end of a Hallway in a Rabbit Warren known as the Minnehaha. It was not a Tenement, because he had to pay $30 a Month for a compressed Suite overlooking 640 acres of Gravel Roof. Sitting back in his Morris […]

Once there was a prosperous Manufacturer who had made his Stake by handling an every-day Commodity at a small Margin of Profit. One Morning the Representative of a large Concern dealing in guaranteed Securities came in to sell him some gilt-edged Municipal Bonds that would net a shade under 5 per cent. “I’ll have to […]

Once there was a little E-Flat Town that needed a Direct Communication with a Trunk Line. A Promoter wearing Sunday Clothes and smoking 40-cent Cigars came out from the City to see about it. The Daily Paper put him on the Front Page. Five Dollars was the Set- Back for each Plate at the Banquet […]

Once upon a Time there was a Work-Horse who used to lie awake Nights framing up Schemes to Corral more Collateral to leave to the Olive Branches. They may have looked like Jimpson Weeds to the rest of the World but to Pa and Ma they were A-1 Olive Branches. Pa was a self made […]

Once upon a Time two Mavericks lived together in a Cubby-Hole in a European Hotel in a surging Metropolis. They worked for a grinding Corporation, each pulling down a Stipend that enabled him to indulge in Musical Comedies, Rotation Pool, Turkish Cigarettes, Link Buttons and other Necessities of Life. Often they would put their Feet […]

Once upon a Time a Rugged Character from the Middle West was in New York City fixing up a Deal. Although he wore overlapping Cuffs and a ready-made Tie, he had a Rating, so a certain Promoter with an Office in Broad Street found it advisable to make a Fuss over him. The Promoter invited […]

A certain affluent Bachelor happened to be the only Grandson of a rugged Early Settler who wore a Coon-Skip Cap and drank Corn Juice out of a Jug. Away back in the Days when every Poor Man had Bacon in the Smoke House, this Pioneer had been soaked in a Trade and found himself loaded […]

Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab of Steak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found his Excitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper. In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee- Gee, he […]

On the deck of a Trans-Atlantic Skiff, a certain Old Traveler, who owed allegiance to George and Mary, reclined on his Cervical Vertebrae with a Plaid Shawl across him and roasted Our Native Land. He told the American in the next Steamer Chair that he had been unable to get his Tea at the usual […]

One Evening at a Converted Rink known as the Grand Opera House, a flock of intrepid Amateurs put on a War Drama. Lila, principal Child of the Egg and Poultry King, played a Daughter of the Southland, with her Hair shaken out and Lamp Black on her Eye-Winkers, so as to look like Maxine. All […]

Two Boys sallied forth from a straggling Village in search of an irrational Female known as Dame Fortune. It was a sad Jolt to the Walking Vegetables back in the Stockade when they heard, on Good Authority, that Ezra and Bill were slamming it over the Plate and batting above .400. They simply wagged the […]

Once there was a Kid who wore a Uniform that fit him too Soon and a Cap on one Ear. His Job was to answer the Buzzer and take Orders from any one who could show 25 Cents. In the Morning he might be acting as Pack-Pony for some Old Lady on a Shopping Spree […]

Once there was an undivorced Couple that would get up every G. M. and put on the five-ounce Mitts and wait for the Sound of the Gong. Each was working for the Championship of the Flat and proved to be a Glutton for Punishment. Every time he landed a crushing Hay-Maker on her Family History […]

One day a regularly appointed Bank Inspector went into a Stronghold of Finance situated in a One-Night Stand and found the President of the Institution crying all over the Blotter. “Why these tears?” asked the Official. “Are the Farmers paying off their Mortgages?” “Worse than that,” replied the Elderly Man, whose Side Whiskers were a […]

Once there was a kittenish Senorita condemned to dwell in a Piccolo Town out on a Spur Division of the Dinkusville Short Line. It was one of those not-dead-but-sleeping Settlements with a Sheet-Iron Cornice on every Store Building and the Hack in which Gen. Sherman once rode still meeting the Trains. All the older Residents […]

In a sequestered Dump lived two Urchins, Edgar and Rufus, who went to the Post with about an equal Handicap. They got away together down the broad Avenue of Hope which leads one Lad over the hills and far away to the United States Senate Chamber and guides another unerringly to the Federal Pen near […]