After waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord of his race. Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach, […]

Come, Stanford, let us sit at ease And talk as old friends do. You talk of anything you please, And I will talk of you. You recently have said, I hear, That you would like to go To serve as Senator. That’s queer! Have you told William Stow? Once when the Legislature said: “Go, Stanford, […]

A High Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting. “Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen,” said the Other, “it sames to me, and I’m hopin’ yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way […]

Pope-choker Pixley sat in his den A-chewin’ upon his quid. He thought it was Leo Thirteen, and then He bit it intenser, he did. The amber which overflew from the cud Like rivers which burst out of bounds– ‘Twas peculiar grateful to think it blood A-gushin’ from Papal wounds. A knockin’ was heard uponto the […]

A Dishonest Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its private park, when it saw something which frantically and repeatedly ran against a stone wall, endeavouring to butt out its brains. “Hold! Hold! thou desperate Object,” cried the Dishonest Gain; “these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as thine.” “True,” said […]

Welcome, good friend; as you have served your term, And found the joy of crime to be a fiction, I hope you’ll hold your present faith, stand firm And not again be open to conviction. Your sins, though scarlet once, are now as wool: You’ve made atonement for all past offenses, And conjugated–’twas an awful […]

A Christian and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when the Christian, with that charming consideration which serves to distinguish the truly pious from the wolves that perish, exclaimed: “If I could have my way, I’d blow up all your gods with dynamite.” “And if I could have mine,” retorted the Heathen in His […]

Come, sisters, weep!–our Baron dear, Alas! has run away. If always we had kept him here He had not gone astray. Painter and grainer it were vain To say he was, before; And if he were, yet ne’er again He’ll darken here a door. We mourn each matrimonial plan– Even tradesmen join the cry: He […]

A Hurled-Back Allegation, which, after a brief rest, had again started forth upon its mission of mischief, met an Ink-stand in mid-air. “How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was coming again?” inquired the Hurled-back Allegation. “He did not,” the Inkstand replied; “he isn’t at all forehanded at repartee.” “Why, then, […]

“O venerable patriot, I pray Stand not here coatless; at the break of day We’ll know the grand result–and even now The eastern sky is faintly touched with gray. “It ill befits thine age’s hoary crown– This rude environment of rogue and clown, Who, as the lying bulletins appear, With drunken cries incarnadine the town. […]

A Revivalist who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent religious exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades. He promptly sent for the Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom, explaining that he was entirely orthodox, and had always led a pious and holy life. “That is all very true,” said the […]

San Quentin was brilliant. Within the halls Of the noble pile with the frowning walls (God knows they’ve enough to make them frown, With a Governor trying to break them down!) Was a blaze of light. ‘Twas the natal day Of his nibs the popular John S. Gray, And many observers considered his birth The […]

A Wise and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travelling menagerie with a view to collecting literary materials. As he was passing near the Elephant, that animal said: “How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by ridicule of people with long noses–who are the salt of the earth!” The […]

A Lawyer in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of his ignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom the police had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in custody. In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked, “Have you accomplices?” “Yes, sir,” replied the Burglar. […]

An Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common-sense rose in his place in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to his Unblotted Escutcheon. Seeing what it supposed to be the finger of scorn pointed at it, the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with rage. Seeing the Unblotted Escutcheon turning black with what […]

Sweet Spirit of Cesspool, hear a mother’s prayer: Her terrors pacify and offspring spare! Upon Silurians alone let fall (And God in Heaven have mercy on them all!) The red revenges of your fragrant breath, Hot with the flames invisible of death. Sing in each nose a melody of smells, And lead them snoutwise to […]

A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird: “It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport. I put my skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It is a fair game.” “True,” said the Bird, “but I don’t wish to play.” “Why not?” inquired the Man with […]

Sir, you’re a veteran, revealed In history and fable As warrior since you took the field, Defeating Abel. As Commissary later (or If not, in every cottage The tale is) you contracted for A mess of pottage. In civil life you were, we read (And our respect increases) A man of peace–a man, indeed, Of […]

An Ancient Maiden, standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern Swain, was overheard rehearsing the words: “Noble preserver! The life that you have saved is yours!” Having repeated them several times with various intonations, she sprang into the water, where she was suffered to drown. “I am a noble preserver,” said the […]

Listen to his wild romances: He advances foolish fancies, Each expounded as his “view”– Gu. In his brain’s opacous clot, ah He has got a maggot! What a Man with “views” to overwhelm us!– Gulielmus. Hear his demagogic clamor– Hear him stammer in his grammar! Teaching, he will learn to spell– Gulielmus L. Slave who […]