Not all in sorrow and in tears, To pay of gratitude’s arrears The yearly sum– Not prompted, wholly by the pride Of those for whom their friends have died, To-day we come. Another aim we have in view Than for the buried boys in blue To drop a tear: Memorial Day revives the chin Of […]

Way down in the Boom Belt lived Mrs. Roselle; A person named Petrie, he lived there as well; But Mr. Roselle he resided away– Sing tooral iooral iooral iay. Once Mrs. Roselle in her room was alone: The flesh of her flesh and the bone of her bone Neglected the wife of his bosom to […]

Intended for Inscription on a Sword Presented to Colonel Cutting of the National Guard of California. I am for Cutting. I’m a blade Designed for use at dress parade. My gleaming length, when I display Peace rules the land with gentle sway; But when the war-dogs bare their teeth Go seek me in the modest […]

As vicious women think all men are knaves, And shrew-bound gentlemen discourse of slaves; As reeling drunkards judge the world unsteady And idlers swear employers ne’er get ready– Thieves that the constable stole all they had, The mad that all except themselves are mad; So, in another’s clear escutcheon shown, Barnes rails at stains reflected […]

I had a dream. The habitable earth– Its continents and islands, all were bare Of cities and of forests. Naught remained Of its old aspect, and I only knew (As men know things in dreams, unknowing how) That this was earth and that all men were dead. On every side I saw the barren land, […]

Your various talents, Goldenson, command Respect: you are a poet and can draw. It is a pity that your gifted hand Should ever have been raised against the law. If you had drawn no pistol, but a picture, You would have saved your throttle from a stricture. About your poetry I’m not so sure: ‘Tis […]

“The Social World”! O what a world it is– Where full-grown men cut capers in the German, Cotillion, waltz, or what you will, and whizz And spin and hop and sprawl about like mermen! I wonder if our future Grant or Sherman, As these youths pass their time, is passing his– If eagles ever come […]

So, in the Sunday papers you, Del Mar, Damn, all great Englishmen in English speech? I am no Englishman, but in my reach A rogue shall never rail where heroes are. You are the man, if I mistake you not, Who lately with a supplicating twitch Plucked at the pockets of the London rich And […]

A Cat fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus to change her into a woman. “I should think,” said Venus, “you might make so trifling a change without bothering me. However, be a woman.” Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused a mouse to approach, whereupon the […]

I Slept, and, waking in the years to be, Heard voices, and approaching whence they came, Listened indifferently where a key Had lately been removed. An ancient dame Said to her daughter: “Go to yonder caddy And get some emery to scour your daddy.” And then I knew–some intuition said– That tombs were not and […]

A Millionaire who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised. “What!” said the Neighbour, “you do sometimes visit your father?” “If our situations were reversed,” said the Millionaire, “I am sure he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me. […]

Two Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond. “Why did you do that?” said the Dogs. “Because,” replied the Sheep, “I am a vegetarian.”

A Thief who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man’s attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honest men it […]

They say, my lord, that you’re a Warwick. Well, The title’s an absurd one, I believe: You make no kings, you have no kings to sell, Though really ’twere easy to conceive You stuffing half-a-dozen up your sleeve. No, you’re no Warwick, skillful from the shell To hatch out sovereigns. On a mare’s nest, maybe, […]

Observing that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his bedside and expounded the situation. “My children,” said he, “you have not shown me many marks of respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon […]

Attorney Knight, it happens so sometimes That lawyers, justifying cut-throats’ crimes For hire–calumniating, too, for gold, The dead, dumb victims cruelly unsouled– Speak, through the press, to a tribunal far More honorable than their Honors are,– A court that sits not with assenting smile While living rogues dead gentleman revile,– A court where scoundrel ethics […]

A Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a bank where he desired to open an account. “With pleasure,” said the Honest Banker; “we shall be glad to do business with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoring what you stole from the Government.” “Good […]

A Man of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political office, was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey. “I take it you are one of my constituents,” the Man said. “No,” replied the Monkey; “but I will support you if you can urge a valid claim to my approval.” […]

“Are the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?” asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in America. “Splendid!” said the Man. “I have more orders than I can fill.” “What is your business?” the Traveller from a Foreign Land inquired. The Man replied, “I make boxing-gloves for […]

Saint Peter sat at the jasper gate, When Stephen M. White arrived in state. “Admit me.” “With pleasure,” Peter said, Pleased to observe that the man was dead; “That’s what I’m here for. Kindly show Your ticket, my lord, and in you go.” White stared in blank surprise. Said he “I run this place–just turn […]