“By good men’s prayers see Grant restored!” Shouts Talmage, pious creature! Yes, God, by supplication bored From every droning preacher, Exclaimed: “So be it, tiresome crew– But I’ve a crow to pick with you.”

He lay on his bed and solemnly “signed,” Gasping–perhaps ’twas a jest he meant: “This of a sound and disposing mind Is the last ill-will and contestament.”

Ben Bulger was a silver man, Though not a mine had he: He thought it were a noble plan To make the coinage free. “There hain’t for years been sech a time,” Said Ben to his bull pup, “For biz–the country’s broke and I’m The hardest kind of up. “The paper says that that’s because […]

In Congress once great Mowther shone, Debating weighty matters; Now into an asylum thrown, He vacuously chatters. If in that legislative hall His wisdom still he ‘d vented, It never had been known at all That Mowther was demented.

To bucks and ewes by the Good Shepherd fed The Priest delivers masses for the dead, And even from estrays outside the fold Death for the masses he would not withhold. The Parson, loth alike to free or kill, Forsakes the souls already on the grill, And, God’s prerogative of mercy shamming, Spares living sinners […]

On Evidence, on Deeds, on Bills, On Copyhold, on Loans, on Wills, Lawyers great books indite; The creaking of their busy quills I’ve never heard on Right.

Must you, Carnegie, evermore explain Your worth, and all the reasons give again Why black and red are similarly white, And you and God identically right? Still must our ears without redress submit To hear you play the solemn hypocrite Walking in spirit some high moral level, Raising at once his eye-balls and the devil? […]

Observe, dear Lord, what lively pranks Are played by sentimental cranks! First this one mounts his hinder hoofs And brays the chimneys off the roofs; Then that one, with exalted voice, Expounds the thesis of his choice, Our understandings to bombard, Till all the window panes are starred! A third augments the vocal shock Till […]

Looking across the line, the Grecian said: “This border I will stain a Turkey red.” The Moslem smiled securely and replied: “No Greek has ever for his country dyed.” While thus each patriot guarded his frontier, The Powers stole all the country in his rear.

Dom Pedro, Emperor of far Brazil (Whence coffee comes and the three-cornered nut), They say that you’re imperially ill, And threatened with paralysis. Tut-tut! Though Emperors are mortal, nothing but A nimble thunderbolt could catch and kill A man predestined to depart this life By the assassin’s bullet, bomb or knife. Sir, once there was […]

Death, are you well? I trust you have no cough That’s painful or in any way annoying– No kidney trouble that may carry you off, Or heart disease to keep you from enjoying Your meals–and ours. ‘T were very sad indeed To have to quit the busy life you lead. You’ve been quite active lately […]

Fly, heedless stranger, from this spot accurst, Where rests in Satan an offender first In point of greatness, as in point of time, Of new-school rascals who proclaim their crime. Skilled with a frank loquacity to blab The dark arcana of each mighty grab, And famed for lying from his early youth, He sinned secure […]

Thy flesh to earth, thy soul to God, We gave, O gallant brother; And o’er thy grave the awkward squad Fired into one another! Beneath this monument which rears its head. A giant note of admiration–dead, His life extinguished like a taper’s flame. John Ericsson is lying in his fame. Behold how massive is the […]

Here sleeps one of the greatest students Of jurisprudence. Nature endowed him with the gift Of the juristhrift. All points of law alike he threw The dice to settle. Those honest cubes were loaded true With railway metal.

Because that I am weak, my love, and ill, I cannot follow the impatient feet Of my desire, but sit and watch the beat Of the unpitying pendulum fulfill The hour appointed for the air to thrill And brighten at your coming. O my sweet, The tale of moments is at last complete– The tryst […]

God’s people sorely were oppressed, I heard their lamentations long;– I hear their singing, clear and strong, I see their banners in the West! The captains shout the battle-cry, The legions muster in their might; They turn their faces to the light, They lift their arms, they testify: “We sank beneath the Master’s thong, Our […]

With a Methodist hymn in his musical throat, The Sun was emitting his ultimate note; His quivering larynx enwrinkled the sea Like an Ichthyosaurian blowing his tea; When sweetly and pensively rattled and rang This plaint which an Hippopopotamus sang: “O, Camomile, Calabash, Cartilage-pie, Spread for my spirit a peppermint fry; Crown me with doughnuts, […]

You ‘re grayer than one would have thought you: The climate you have over there In the East has apparently brought you Disorders affecting the hair, Which–pardon me–seems a thought spare. You’ll not take offence at my giving Expression to notions like these. You might have been stronger if living Out here in our sanative […]

Abundant bores afflict this world, and some Are bores of magnitude that-come and–no, They’re always coming, but they never go– Like funeral pageants, as they drone and hum Their lurid nonsense like a muffled drum, Or bagpipe’s dread unnecessary flow. But one superb tormentor I can show– Prince Fiddlefaddle, Duc de Feefawfum. He the johndonkey […]

(Note: Dod Grile is pseudonym of Ambrose Bierce.) …. Seated in his den, in the chill gloom of a winter twilight, comforting his stomach with hoarded bits of cheese and broad biscuits, Mr. Grile thinketh unto himself after this fashion of thought: I. To eat biscuits and cheese before dining is to confess that you […]