An American Statesman who had twisted the tail of the British Lion until his arms ached was at last rewarded by a sharp, rasping sound. “I knew your fortitude would give out after a while,” said the American Statesman, delighted; “your agony attests my political power.” “Agony I know not!” said the British Lion, yawning; […]

A Candidate canvassing his district met a Nurse wheeling a Baby in a carriage, and, stooping, imprinted a kiss upon the Baby’s clammy muzzle. Rising, he saw a Man, who laughed. “Why do you laugh?” asked the Candidate. “Because,” replied the Man, “the Baby belongs to the Orphan Asylum.” “But the Nurse,” said the Candidate–“the […]

Travelling through the sage-brush country a Jackass met a rabbit, who exclaimed in great astonishment: “Good heavens! how did you grow so big? You are doubtless the largest rabbit living.” “No,” said the Jackass, “you are the smallest donkey.” After a good deal of fruitless argument the question was referred for decision to a passing […]

A Man-Eating tiger was ravaging the Kingdom of Damnasia, and the King, greatly concerned for the lives and limbs of his Royal subjects, promised his daughter Zodroulra to any man who would kill the animal. After some days Camaraladdin appeared before the King and claimed the reward. “But where is the tiger?” the King asked. […]

An Idol said to a Missionary, “My friend, why do you seek to bring me into contempt? If it had not been for me, what would you have been? Remember thy creator that thy days be long in the land.” “I confess,” replied the Missionary, fingering a number of ten-cent pieces which a Sunday-school in […]

Some Apes who had deposed their king fell at once into dissension and anarchy. In this strait they sent a Deputation to a neighbouring tribe to consult the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World. “My children,” said the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World, when he had heard the Deputation, “you […]

A Bear, a Fox, and an Opossum were attacked by an inundation. “Death loves a coward,” said the Bear, and went forward to fight the flood. “What a fool!” said the Fox. “I know a trick worth two of that.” And he slipped into a hollow stump. “There are malevolent forces,” said the Opossum, “which […]

A Writer of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met a Fortune. Greatly alarmed, he tried to climb a tree, but the Fortune pulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel persistence. “Why did you try to run away?” said the Fortune, when his struggles had ceased and his screams […]

A Public-Spirited Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to secure a National political convention for his city suffered acutely from dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned thoughtlessly against a druggist’s show-window, wherein were one hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes. The glass breaking, the reptiles all escaped into the street. […]

Because you call yourself Knights Templar, and There’s neither Knight nor Temple in the land,– Because you thus by vain pretense degrade To paltry purposes traditions grand,– Because to cheat the ignorant you say The thing that’s not, elated still to sway The crass credulity of gaping fools And women by fantastical display,– Because no […]

His poems Riley says that he indites Upon an empty stomach. Heavenly Powers, Feed him throat-full: for what the beggar writes Upon his empty stomach empties ours!

“O father, I saw at the church as I passed The populace gathered in numbers so vast That they couldn’t get in; and their voices were low, And they looked as if suffering terrible woe.” “‘Twas the funeral, child, of a gentleman dead For whom the great heart of humanity bled.” “What made it bleed, […]

“Sas agapo sas agapo,” He sang beneath her lattice. “‘Sas agapo’?” she murmured–“O, I wonder, now, what that is!” Was she less fair that she did bear So light a load of knowledge? Are loving looks got out of books, Or kisses taught in college? Of woman’s lore give me no more Than how to […]

“‘Tis a woeful yarn,” said the sailor man bold Who had sailed the northern-lakes– “No woefuler one has ever been told Exceptin’ them called ‘fakes.’” “Go on, thou son of the wind and fog, For I burn to know the worst!” But his silent lip in a glass of grog Was dreamily immersed. Then he […]

Once with Christ he entered Salem, Once in Moab bullied Balaam, Once by Apuleius staged He the pious much enraged. And, again, his head, as beaver, Topped the neck of Nick the Weaver. Omar saw him (minus tether– Free and wanton as the weather: Knowing naught of bit or spur) Stamping over Bahram-Gur. Now, as […]

Filled with a zeal to serve my fellow men, For years I criticised their prose and verges: Pointed out all their blunders of the pen, Their shallowness of thought and feeling; then Damned them up hill and down with hearty curses! They said: “That’s all that he can do–just sneer, And pull to pieces and […]

O, heavenly powers! will wonders never cease?– Hair upon dogs and feathers upon geese! The boys in mischief and the pigs in mire! The drinking water wet! the coal on fire! In meadows, rivulets surpassing fair, Forever running, yet forever there! A tail appended to the gray baboon! A person coming out of a saloon! […]

Saint Peter at the gate of Heaven displayed The tools and terrors of his awful trade; The key, the frown as pitiless as night, That slays intending trespassers at sight, And, at his side in easy reach, the curled Interrogation points all ready to be hurled. Straight up the shining cloudway (it so chanced No […]

[Commissioner of Pensions Dudley has established a Sunday-school and declares he will remove any clerk in his department who does not regularly attend.–N.Y. World.] Dudley, great placeman, man of mark and note, Worthy of honor from a feeble pen Blunted in service of all true, good men, You serve the Lord–in courses, table d’hote: Au, […]

Hear me sing of Sally Larkin who, I’d have you understand, Played accordions as well as any lady in the land; And I’ve often heard it stated that her fingering was such That Professor Schweinenhauer was enchanted with her touch; And that beasts were so affected when her apparatus rang That they dropped upon their […]