Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent a physician’s certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening of the brain. “The gentleman is excused,” said the Judge, handing back the certificate to the person who had brought it, “he has a brain.”

An Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the following conversation ensued: Inventor.–“May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle that discharges lightning.” King.–“Ah, you wish to sell me the secret.” Inventor.–“Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that is accessible.” King.–“In order to get any […]

A Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing Woman’s couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, “Place aux dames!” And Echo wearily replied, “Oh, damn.”

A Young Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wings tightly crossed upon its stomach. “What have you been eating?” the Mother asked, with solicitude. “Nothing but a keg of Nails,” was the reply. “What!” exclaimed the Mother; “a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why, you will kill yourself […]

“My friend,” said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to a Most Wicked Sinner, “I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The Divine Grace has made me what I am.” The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. “Henceforth,” he said, “the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well […]

A Silken-Eared Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles the Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress’s house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside, and said: “I can chew up any […]

A Farmer, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their country and complained that they were compelled to support a large standing army of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep. “Very well,” said the King, “my subjects’ wishes are the highest law.” So he disbanded his army and the consumers […]

The Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and the earth was […]

A Statesman who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do with commerce. “Mr. Chairman,” said an Aged Member, rising, “I conceive that the objection is not well taken; the gentleman’s connection with commerce is close and intimate. He […]

Hearing that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an Assembly District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for their representative. By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging, some thought that it would do him good to […]

A Man of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a railway company. The door opened and the Judge of the Court entered. “Well,” said he, “I am going to decide your case to-day. If I should decide in your favour, I […]

A Member of a Legislature, who had pledged himself to his Constituents not to steal, brought home at the end of the session a large part of the dome of the Capitol. Thereupon the Constituents held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and feathers. “You are most unjust,” said the Member of […]

An Ox, unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he sank, was advised to make use of a Political Pull. When the Political Pull had arrived, the Ox said: “My good friend, please make fast to me, and let nature take her course.” So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox’s head […]

A Boss who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal with having fled to avoid prosecution. “You do me a grave injustice,” said the Boss, parting with a pair of tears. “I came to Canada solely because of its political attractions; its Government is the most corrupt in the world.” “Pray […]

An Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat by some Respector of Law to him unknown, had the Dead Cat arrested and taken before a Magistrate. “Why do you appeal to the law?” said the Magistrate–“You who go in for the abolition of law.” “That,” replied the Anarchist, who […]

Having arisen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate of Heaven, and knocked with a trembling hand. “Madam,” said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket, “whence do you come?” “From San Francisco,” replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow. “Never mind, my good girl,” […]

A Sportsman who had wounded a Squirrel, which was making desperate efforts to drag itself away, ran after it with a stick, exclaiming: “Poor thing! I will put it out of its misery.” At that moment the Squirrels stopped from exhaustion, and looking up at its enemy, said: “I don’t venture to doubt the sincerity […]

A Fogy who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to his home one day and saw, near by, a great concourse of men and animals, and in their midst a tower, at the foot of which something with wheels smoked and panted like an exhausted horse. He sought the Sheik of […]

The Committee on Gerrymander worked late, drawing intricate lines on a map of the State, and being weary sought repose in a game of poker. At the close of the game the six Republican members were bankrupt and the single Democrat had all the money. On the next day, when the Committee was called to […]

A Political Preferment, labelled with its price, was canvassing the State to find a purchaser. One day it offered itself to a Truly Good Man, who, after examining the label and finding the price was exactly twice as great as he was willing to pay, spurned the Political Preferment from his door. Then the People […]