Who told Creed Haymond he was witty?–who Had nothing better in this world to do? Could no greased pig’s appeal to his embrace Kindle his ardor for the friendly chase? Did no dead dog upon a vacant lot, Bloated and bald, or curdled in a clot, Stir his compassion and inspire his arms To hide […]

There was a cranky Governor– His name it wasn’t Waterman. For office he was hotter than The love of any lover, nor Was Boruck’s threat of aiding him Effective in dissuading him– This pig-headed, big-headed, singularly self-conceited Governor Nonwaterman. To citrus fairs, et caetera, He went about philandering, To pride of parish pandering. He knew […]

“Why, Goldenson, you’re looking very well.” Said Death as, strolling through the County Jail, He entered that serene assassin’s cell And hung his hat and coat upon a nail. “I think that life in this secluded spot Agrees with men of your trade, does it not?” “Well, yes,” said Goldenson, “I can’t complain: Life anywhere–provided […]

Well, James McMillan Shafter, you’re a Judge– At least you were when last I knew of you; And if the people since have made you budge I did not notice it. I’ve much to do Without endeavoring to follow, through The miserable squabbles, dust and smudge, The fate of even the veteran contenders Who fight […]

THE TWO CAVEES DRAMATIS PERSONAE. FITCH a Pelter of Railrogues PICKERING his Partner, an Enemy to Sin OLD NICK a General Blackwasher DEAD CAT a Missile ANTIQUE EGG Another RAILROGUES, DUMP-CARTERS. NAVVIES and Unassorted SHOVELRY in the Lower Distance Scene–The Brink of a Railway Cut, a Mile Deep. Time–1875. FITCH: Gods! what a steep declivity! […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. ST. JOHN a Presidential Candidate MCDONALD a Defeated Aspirant MRS. HAYES an Ex-President PITTS-STEVENS a Water Nymph Scene–A Small Lake in the Alleghany Mountains. ST. JOHN: Hours I’ve immersed my muzzle in this tarn And, quaffing copious potations, tried To suck it dry; but ever as I pumped Its waters into my distended […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. HAYSEED a Granger NOZZLE a Miner RINGDIVVY a Statesman FEEGOBBLE a Lawyer JUNKET a Committee Scene–Yuba Dam. Feegobble, Ringdivvy, Nozzle. NOZZLE: My friends, since ’51 I have pursued The evil tenor of my watery way, Removing hills as by an act of faith– RINGDIVVY: Just so; the steadfast faith of those who hold, […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. MOUNTWAVE a Politician HARDHAND a Workingman TOK BAK a Chinaman SATAN a Friend to Mountwave CHORUS OF FOREIGN VOTERS. MOUNTWAVE: My friend, I beg that you will lend your ears (I know ’tis asking a good deal of you) While I for your instruction nominate Some certain wrongs you suffer. Men like you […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. QUICK: DE YOUNG a Brother to Mushrooms DEAD: SWIFT an Heirloom ESTEE a Relic IMMORTALS: THE SPIRIT OF BROKEN HOPES. THE AUTHOR. MISCELLANEOUS: A TROUPE OF COFFINS. THE MOON. VARIOUS COLORED FIRES. Scene–The Political Graveyard at Bone Mountain. DE YOUNG: This is the spot agreed upon. Here rest The sainted statesman who upon […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE LELAND, THE KID a Road Agent COWBOY CHARLEY Same Line of Business HAPPY HUNTY Ditto in All Respects SOOTYMUG a Devil Scene–the Dutch Flat Stage Road, at 12 P.M., on a Night of 1864. COWBOY CHARLEY: My boss, I fear she is delayed to-night. Already it is past the hour, and yet My […]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. VILLIAM a Sen NEEDLESON a Sidniduc SMILER a Scheister KI-YI a Trader GRIMGHAST a Spader SARALTHIA a Love-lorn Nymph NELLIBRAC a Sweetun A BODY; A GHOST; AN UNMENTIONABLE THING; SKULLS; HOODOOS; ETC. Scene–a Cemetery in San Francisco. Saralthia, Nellibrac, Grimghast. SARALTHIA: The red half-moon is dipping to the west, And the cold fog […]

As in a dream, strange epitaphs I see, Inscribed on yet unquarried stone, Where wither flowers yet unstrown– The Campo Santo of the time to be.

LORING PICKERING (After Pope) Here rests a writer, great but not immense, Born destitute of feeling and of sense. No power he but o’er his brain desired– How not to suffer it to be inspired. Ideas unto him were all unknown, Proud of the words which, only, were his own. So unreflecting, so confused his […]

A Highwayman confronted a Traveller, and covering him with a firearm, shouted: “Your money or your life!” “My good friend,” said the Traveller, “according to the terms of your demand my money will save my life, my life my money; you imply you will take one or the other, but not both. If that is […]

An eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused of having obtained his appointment by fraud. “You wander,” he said to the Accuser; “it is of little importance how I obtained my power; it is only important how I have used it.” “I confess,” said the Accuser, “that in comparison with the rascally […]

Successive Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they were discouraged and wept copiously. “Why do you weep?” inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence near by. “They have taken all we have,” replied the People–“excepting,” they added, noting the suggestive visitant–“excepting our hope in heaven. Thank God, they cannot deprive us of that!” […]

Seeing a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious Person started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people’s eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer. This greatly annoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic, he stopped and shouted across the waves’ tumultous roar: “Take […]

Some Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the Bigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted Heathens and the law- abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss. “Yes,” assented a […]

A Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law to make a statement, and be quick about it. “You were assaulted without provocation, of course,” said the District Attorney, preparing to set down the answer. “No,” replied the Dying Man, “I was the aggressor.” “Yes, I understand,” said the District […]

Hardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour, been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a question arose as to what should be the title of address among the members. Some wanted it to be simply “my Lord,” others held out for “your Dukeness,” and still others preferred “my Sovereign Liege.” […]