Through massacres of each other’s citizens China and the United States had been four times plunged into devastating wars, when, in the year 1994, arose a Philosopher in Madagascar, who laid before the Governments of the two distracted countries the following modus vivendi: “Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore; but any citizen or […]

A Gifted and Honourable Editor, who by practice of his profession had acquired wealth and distinction, applied to an Old Friend for the hand of his daughter in marriage. “With all my heart, and God bless you!” said the Old Friend, grasping him by both hands. “It is a greater honour than I had dared […]

The Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors what he had done with the money taken. “I am greatly surprised by such a question,” said the Cashier; “it sounds as if you suspected me of selfishness. Gentlemen, I applied that money to the purpose for which I took it; I paid […]

A Detective searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted by a Clew. “Follow me,” said the Clew, “and there’s no knowing what you may discover.” So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand sinuosities, and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue. “There!” said the […]

A Dispenser-Elect of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers that applicants for places would be given none until he should assume the duties of his office. “You are exposing yourself to a grave danger,” said a Lawyer. “How so?” the Dispenser-Elect inquired. “It will be nearly two months,” the Lawyer answered, “before the day that […]

A Widow weeping on her husband’s grave was approached by an Engaging Gentleman who, in a respectful manner, assured her that he had long entertained for her the most tender feelings. “Wretch!” cried the Widow. “Leave me this instant! Is this a time to talk to me of love?” “I assure you, madam, that I […]

An Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington was watering the homeward highway with his tears. “Ah,” he said, “how disastrous is ambition! how unsatisfying its rewards! how terrible its disappointments! Behold yonder peasant tilling his field in peace and contentment! He rises with the lark, passes the day in wholesome toil, […]

The King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff, sent for the Three Persons who had made the offer, and said to them: “I am extremely obliged to you, but before accepting so great a responsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of Wayoff.” “Sire,” said the Spokesman of the Three […]

A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardon him. “What are you in for?” asked the Governor. “I held a high office,” the Convict humbly replied, “and sold subordinate appointments.” “Then I decline to interfere,” said the Governor, with asperity; “a man who abuses his office by making it serve […]

Hearing a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his Dragoman the cause of it. “The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats,” the Dragoman replied, with oriental composure. “I did not know,” remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, “that that would make so much noise.” “The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too,” added the […]

A Person belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the customary attention. “Good Heavens!” exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the resolutions read, “what a loss to the nation! And to think that I once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in […]

A Dog of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail: “Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you wag; when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger. You are too mercurial–you disclose all my emotions. My notion is that tails are given to conceal thought. It is […]

An Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a Spade, and asked him why he was not at work. “Because,” said the Man Leaning on a Spade, “I belong to the Gravediggers’ National Extortion Society, and we have decided to limit the production of graves and get more money […]

From end to end, thine avenue, Van Ness, Rang with the cries of battle and distress! Brave lungs were thundering with dreadful sound And perspiration smoked along the ground! Sing, heavenly muse, to ears of mortal clay, The meaning, cause and finish of the fray. Great Porter Ashe (invoking first the gods, Who signed their […]

Great Joseph D. Redding–illustrious name!– Considered a fish-horn the trumpet of Fame. That goddess was angry, and what do you think? Her trumpet she filled with a gallon of ink, And all through the Press, with a devilish glee, She sputtered and spattered the name of J.D.

“Yawp, yawp, yawp! Under the moon and sun. It’s aye the rabble, And I to gabble, And hey! for the tale that is never done. “Chant, chant, chant! To woo the reluctant vote. I would I were dead And my say were said And my song were sung to its ultimate note. “Stab, stab, stab! […]

Well, Towser (I’m thinking your name must be Towser), You’re a decentish puppy as puppy dogs go, For you never, I’m sure, could have dined upon trowser, And your tail’s unimpeachably curled just so. But, dear me! your name–if ’tis yours–is a “poser”: Its meaning I cannot get anywise at, When spoken correctly perhaps it […]

De Young (in Chicago the story is told) “Took his life in his hand,” like a warrior bold, And stood before Buckley–who thought him behind, For Buckley, the man-eating monster is blind. “Count fairly the ballots!” so rang the demand Of the gallant De Young, with his life in his hand. ‘Tis done, and the […]

Weep, weep, each loyal partisan, For Buckley, king of hearts; A most accomplished man; a man Of parts–of foreign parts. Long years he ruled with gentle sway, Nor grew his glory dim; And he would be with us to-day If we were but with him. Men wondered at his going off In such a sudden […]

[Japan has 73,759 Buddhist priests, “most of whom,” says a Christian missionary, “are grossly ignorant, and many of them lead scandalous lives.”] O Buddha, had you but foreknown The vices of your priesthood It would have made you twist and moan As any wounded beast would. You would have damned the entire lot And turned […]