FITCH: “All vices you’ve exhausted, friend;So all the papers say.” PICKERING: “Ah, what vile calumnies are penned!–‘Tis just the other way.”

As oft it happens in the youth of dayThat mists obscure the sun’s imperfect ray,Who, as he’s mounting to the dome’s extreme,Smites and dispels them with a steeper beam,So you the vapors that begirt your birthConsumed, and manifested all your worth.But still one early vice obstructs the lightAnd sullies all the visible and brightDisplay of […]

Wide windy reaches of high stubble field;A long gray road, bordered with dusty pines;A wagon moving in a “cloud by day.”Two city sportsmen with a dove between,Breast-high upon a fence and fast asleep–A solitary dove, the only doveIn twenty counties, and it sick, or elseIt were not there. Two guns that fire as one,With thunder […]

Tut! Moody, do not try to showTo gentlemen and ladiesThat if they have not “Faith,” they’ll goHeadlong to Hades. Faith is belief; and how can IHave that by being willing?This dime I cannot, though I try,Believe a shilling. Perhaps you can. If so, pray do–Believe you own it, also.But what seems evidence to youI may […]

Judge Shafter, you’re an aged man, I know,And learned too, I doubt not, in the law;And a head white with many a winter’s snow(I wish, however that your heart would thaw)Claims reverence and honor; but the jawThat’s always wagging with a word malign,Nagging and scolding every one in sightAs harshly as a jaybird in a […]

[The spade that was used to turn the first sod in the construction of the Central Pacific Railroad is to be exhibited at the New Orleans Exposition.–Press Telegram.] Precursor of our woes, historic spade,What dismal records burn upon thy blade!On thee I see the maculating stainsOf passengers’ commingled blood and brains.In this red rust a […]

Hangman’s hands laid in this tomb anImp of Satan’s getting, whom anAncient legend says that womanNever bore–he owed his birthTo Sin herself. From Hell to EarthShe brought the brat in secret stateAnd laid him at the Golden gate,And they named him Henry Vrooman.While with mortals here he stayed,His father frequently he played.Raised his birth-place and […]

The Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the champion’s diet. “Beef-steaks are too tender,” said the Physician; “have his meat cut from the neck of a bull.” “I thought the steaks more digestible,” the Trainer explained. “That is very true,” said the Physician; “but they do not sufficiently exercise the chin.”

A Beautiful Old Man, meeting a Sunday-school Pupil, laid his hand tenderly upon the lad’s head, saying: “Listen, my son, to the words of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous.” “All right,” said the Sunday-school Pupil; “go ahead.” “Oh, I haven’t anything to do with it myself,” said the Beautiful Old Man. […]

The President of a great Corporation went into a dry-goods shop and saw a placard which read: “If You Don’t See What You Want, Ask For It.” Approaching the shopkeeper, who had been narrowly observing him as he read the placard, he was about to speak, when the shopkeeper called to a salesman: “John, show […]

A Heavy Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing his sudden fall from affluence to indigence. “Do not weep,” said the Reverse of Fortune. “You need not suffer alone. Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes, and I will overtake him.” “It is hardly worth while,” said the victim, […]

A Forestry Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when, seeing an honest man approaching, he dropped his axe and fled. The next day when he cautiously returned to get his axe, he found the following lines pencilled on the stump: “What nature reared by centuries of toil, A scalawag in half a day can […]

A Turbulent Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an assault with intent to commit murder, and it was proved that he had been variously obstreperous without apparent provocation, had affected the peripheries of several luckless fellow-citizens with the trunk of a small tree, and subsequently cleaned out the town. While trying […]

A Politician seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner, baited a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the end of a long and almost invisible line. When the Turkey had swallowed the hook, the Politician ran, drawing the creature after him. “Fellow-citizens,” he cried, addressing some […]

A Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen pickling his shins in the ocean. “Why don’t you come out on dry land?” said the Spectator. “What are you in there for?” “Sir,” replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions, “a ship is expected, bearing His Majesty the King of the Fly-Speck Islands, and I wish […]

A Statesman who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was arrested by a Sheriff and thrown into jail. As this was abhorrent to his fine spiritual nature, he sent for the District Attorney and asked that the case against him be dismissed. “Upon what grounds?” asked the District Attorney. “Lack of evidence to […]

At a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was discovered, writing in a note-book. A member directed the attention of the Superb High Chairman to her, and she was asked to explain her presence there, and what she was doing. “I came in for my own pleasure and instruction,” she said, “and […]

A Judge who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for infamous distinction, but whom no litigant thought worth bribing, sat one day upon the Bench, lamenting his hard lot, and threatening to put an end to his life if business did not improve. Suddenly he found himself confronted by a dreadful figure […]

A Slander travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous mission was accosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be killed. “Your career of mischief is at an end,” said the Retraction, drawing his club, rolling up his sleeves, and spitting on his hands. “Why should you slay me?” protested the Slander. “Whatever […]

The Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch their life- boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered, but a little distance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men clinging to her keel. “We are fortunate,” said the Gallant Crew, “to have seen that in time. Our fate might […]