Dawn heralded the coming sun–Fort Douglas was computingThe minutes–and the sunrise gunWas manned for his saluting. The gunner at that firearm stood,The which he slowly loaded,When, bang!–I know not how it could,But sure the charge exploded! Yes, to that veteran’s surpriseThe gun went off sublimely,And both his busy arms likewiseWent off with it, untimely. Then […]

Big Smith is an Oakland School Board man,And he looks as good as ever he can;And he’s such a cold and a chaste Big SmithThat snowflakes all are his kin and kith.Wherever his eye he chances to throwThe crystals of ice begin to grow;And the fruits and flowers he sees are lostBy the singeing touch […]

The Senate woke; the Chairman’s snoreWas stilled, its echoes balking;The startled members dreamed no more,For Steele, who long had held the floor,Had suddenly ceased talking. As, like Elijah, in his pride,He to his seat was passing,“Go up thou baldhead!” Reddy cried.Then six fierce bears ensued and triedTo sunder him for “sassing.” Two seized his legs, […]

Back further thanI know, in SanFrancisco dwelt a wealthy man.So rich was heThat none could beWise, good and great in like degree. ‘Tis true he wrought,In deed or thought,But few of all the things he ought;But men said: “WhoWould wish him to?Great souls are born to be, not do!” One thing, indeed,He did, we read,Which […]

Running for Senator with clumsy pace,He stooped so low, to win at least a place,That Fortune, tempted by a mark so droll,Sprang in an kicked him to the winning pole.

[The Chinaman’s Assailant was allowed to walk quietly away, although the street was filled with pedestrians.–Newspaper.] Why should he not have been allowedTo thread with peaceful feet the crowdWhich filled that Christian street?The Decalogue he had observed,From Faith in Jesus had not swerved,And scorning pious platitudes,He saw in the BeatitudesA lamp to guide his feet. […]

Within my dark and narrow bedI rested well, new-laid:I heard above my fleshless headThe grinding of a spade. A gruffer note ensued and grewTo harsh and harsher strains:The poet Welcker then I knewWas “snatching” my remains. “O Welcker, let your hand be stayedAnd leave me here in peace.Of your revenge you should have madeAn end […]

In fair Yosemite, that den of thievesWherein the minions of the moon divideThe travelers’ purses, lo! the Devil grieves,His larger share as leader still denied. El Capitan, foreseeing that his reignMay be disputed too, beclouds his head.The joyous Bridal Veil is torn in twainAnd the crepe steamer dangles there instead. The Vernal Fall abates her […]

Saint Peter, standing at the Gate, beheldA soul whose body Death had lately felled. A pleasant soul as ever was, he seemed:His step was joyous and his visage beamed. “Good morning, Peter.” There was just a touchOf foreign accent, but not overmuch. The Saint bent gravely, like a stately tree,And said: “You have the advantage, […]

He held a book in his knotty paws,And its title grand read he:“The Chronicles of the Kings” it was,By the History Companee.“I’m a monarch,” he said(But a tear he shed)“And my picter here you see. “Great and lasting is my renown,However the wits may flout–As wide almost as this blessed town”(But he winced as if […]

Unbeautiful is the Piute!Howe’er bedecked with bravery,His person is unsavory–Of soap he’s destitute. He multiplies upon the earthIn spite of all admonishing;All censure his astonishingAnd versatile unworth. Upon the Reservation wideWe give for his inhabitingHe goes a-jackass rabbitingTo furnish his inside. The hopper singing in the grassHe seizes with avidity:He loves its tart acidity,And gobbles […]

Hasten, children, black and white–Celebrate the yearly rite.Every pupil plant a tree:It will grow some day to beBig and strong enough to bearA School Director hanging there.

It was a bruised and battered chapThe victim of some dire mishap,Who sat upon a rock and spentHis breath in this ungay lament: “Some wars–I’ve frequent heard of such–Has beat the everlastin’ Dutch!But never fight was fit by manTo equal this which has beganIn our (I’m in it, if you please)Academy of Sciences.For there is […]

[Apparently the Cleveland Leader is not a good judge of poetry.–The Morning Call.] That from you, neighbor! to whose vacant lotEach rhyming literary knacker scourgesHis cart-compelling Pegasus to trot,As folly, fame or famine smartly urges? Admonished by the stimulating goad,How gaily, lo! the spavined crow-bait prances–Its cart before it–eager to unloadThe dead-dog sentiments and swill-tub […]

Now o’ nights the ocean breezeMakes the patient flinch,For that zephyr bears a sneezeIn every cubic inch.Lo! the lively populationChorusing in sternutationA catarrhal acclamation!

The soft asphaltum in the sun;Betrays a tendency to run;Whereas the dog that takes his wayAcross its course concludes to stay.

Assembled in the parlorOf the place of last resort,The smiler and the snarlerAnd the guests of every sort–The elocution chapWith rhetoric on tap;The mimic and the funny dog;The social sponge; the money-hog;Vulgarian and dude;And the prude;The adiposing dameWith pimply face aflame;The kitten-playful virgin–Vergin’ on to fifty years;The solemn-looking sturgeonOf a firm of auctioneers;The widower flirtatious;The […]

What! you were born, you animated doll,Within the shadow of the Capitol?‘Twas always thought (and Bancroft so assuresHis trusting readers) it was reared in yours.

Dimly apparent, through the gloomOf Market-street’s opaque simoom,A queue of people, parti-sexed,Awaiting the command of “Next!”A sidewalk booth, a dingy sign:“Teeth dusted nice–five cents a shine.”

To flatter your way to the goad of your hope,O plausible Mr. Perkins,You’ll need ten tons of the softest soapAnd butter a thousand firkins.The soap you could put to a better useIn washing your hands of ambitionEre the butter’s used for cooking your gooseTo a beautiful brown condition. * * * * * “The Railroad […]