‘Tis Master Fitch, the editor;He takes an holiday.Now wherefore, venerable sir,So resolutely gay? He lifts his head, he laughs aloud,Odzounds! ’tis drear to see!“Because the Boodle-Scribbler crowdWill soon be far from me. “Full many a year I’ve striven wellTo freeze the caitiffs outBy making this good town a Hell,But still they hang about. “They maken […]

I’m a gorgeous golden heroAnd my trade is taking life.Hear the twittle-twittle-tweeroOf my sibillating fifeAnd the rub-a-dub-a-dumOf my big bass drum!I’m an escort strong and bold,The Grand Army to protect.My countenance is coldAnd my attitude erect.I’m a Californian GuardAnd my banner flies aloft,But the stones are O, so hard!And my feet are O, so soft!

I know not, Mr. Catton, who you are,Nor very clearly why; but you go farTo show that you are many things besideA Chilean Consul with a tempting hide;But what they are I hardly could explainWithout afflicting you with mental pain.Your name (gods! what a name the muse to woo–Suggesting cats, and hinting kittens, too!)Points to […]

Who’s this that lispeth in the thickening throngWhich crowds to claim distinction in my song?Fresh from “the palms and temples of the South,”The mixed aromas quarrel in his mouth:Of orange blossoms this the lingering gale,And that the odor of a spicy tale.Sir, in thy pleasure-dome down by the sea(No finer one did Kubla Khan decree)Where, […]

The Devil one day, coming up from the Pit,All grimy with perspiration,Applied to St. Peter and begged he’d admitHim a moment for consultation. The Saint showed him in where the Master reclinedOn the throne where petitioners sought him;Both bowed, and the Evil One opened his mindConcerning the business that brought him: “For ten million years […]

So, Parson Stebbins, you’ve released your chinTo say that here, and here, we press-folk ail.‘Tis a great thing an editor to skinAnd hang his faulty pelt upon a nail(If over-eared, it has, at least, no tail)And, for an admonition against sin,Point out its maculations with a rod,And act, in short, the gentleman of God. ‘Twere […]

There were brave men, some one has truly said,Before Atrides (those were mostly deadBehind him) and ere you could e’er occurActaeon lived, Nimrod and Bahram-Gur.In strength and speed and daring they excelled:The stag they overtook, the lion felled.Ah, yes, great hunters flourished before you,And–for Munchausen lived–great talkers too.There’ll be no more; there’s much to kill, […]

I heard that Heaven was bright and fair,And politicians dwelt not there. ‘Twas said by knowing ones that theyWere in the Elsewhere–so to say. So, waking from my last long sleep,I took my place among the sheep. I passed the gate–Saint Peter eyedMe sharply as I stepped inside. He thought, as afterward I learned,That I […]

[He can speak with his eyes, his hands, arms, legs, body–nay, with his very bones, for he turned the broad of his back upon us in “Conrad,” the other night, and his shoulder-blades spoke to us a volume of hesitation, fear, submission, desperation–everything which could haunt a man at the moment of inevitable detection.–A “Dramatic […]

You say, John Irish, Mr. Taylor hathA painted beard. Quite likely that is true,And sure ’tis natural you spend your wrathOn what has been least merciful to you.By Taylor’s chin, if I am not mistaken,You like a rat have recently been shaken. To wear a beard of artificial hueMay be or this or that, I […]

Wallace, created on a noble planTo show us that a Judge can be a Man;Through moral mire exhaling mortal stenchGod-guided sweet and foot-clean to the Bench;In salutation here and sign I liftA hand as free as yours from lawless thrift,A heart–ah, would I truly could proclaimMy bosom lighted with so pure a flame!Alas, not love […]

O, justice, you have fled, to dwellIn Mexico, unstrangled,Lest you should hang as high as–well,As Haman dangled. (I know not if his cord he twanged,Or the King proved forgiving.‘Tis hard to think of Haman hanged,And Haymond living.) Yes, as I said: in mortal fearTo Mexico you journeyed;For you were on your trial here,And ill attorneyed. […]

Dear Bruner, once we had a little talk(That is to say, ’twas I did all the talking)About the manner of your moral walk:How devious the trail you made in stalking,On level ground, your law-protected game–“Another’s Dollar” is, I think, its name. Your crooked course more recently is notSo blamable; for, truly, you have stumbledOn evil […]

It is the gallant Seventh–It fyghteth faste and free!God wot the where it fyghtethI ne desyre to be. The Gonfalon it flyeth,Seeming a Flayme in Sky;The Bugel loud yblowen is,Which sayeth, Doe and dye! And (O good Saints defende usAgaynst the Woes of Warr)Drawn Tongues are flashing deadlyTo smyte the Foeman sore! With divers kinds […]

Writer folk across the bayTake the pains to see and say–All their upward palms in air:“Joaquin Miller’s cut his hair!”Hasten, hasten, writer folk–In the gutters rake and poke,If by God’s exceeding graceYou may hit upon the placeWhere the barber threw at lengthSamson’s literary strength.Find it, find it if you can;Happy the successful man!He has but […]

I turned my eyes upon the Future’s scrollAnd saw its pictured prophecies unroll. I saw that magical life-laden trainFlash its long glories o’er Nebraska’s plain. I saw it smoothly up the mountain glide.“O happy, happy passengers!” I cried. For Pleasure, singing, drowned the engine’s roar,And Hope on joyous pinions flew before. Then dived the train […]

Charles Shortridge once to St. Peter came.“Down!” cried the saint with his face aflame;“‘Tis writ that every hardy liarShall dwell forever and ever in fire!”“That’s what I said the night that I died,”The sinner, turning away, replied.“What! you said that?” cried the saint–“what! what!You said ’twas so writ? Then, faith, ’tis not!I’m a devil at […]

So, Hall McAllister, you’ll not be warned–My protest slighted, admonition scorned!To save your scoundrel client from a cellAs loth to swallow him as he to swellIts sum of meals insurgent (it decriesAll wars intestinal with meats that rise)You turn your scurril tongue against the pressAnd damn the agency you ought to bless.Had not the press […]

The Senate met in Sacramento city;On public morals it had no committeeThough greatly these abounded. Soon the quietWas broken by the Senators in riot.Now, at the end of their contagious quarrels,There’s a committee but no public morals.

So, gentle critics, you would have me tilt,Not at the guilty, only just at Guilt!–Spare the offender and condemn Offense,And make life miserable to Pretense!“Whip Vice and Folly–that is satire’s use–But be not personal, for that’s abuse;Nor e’er forget what, ‘like a razor keen,Wounds with a touch that’s neither felt nor seen.’”Well, friends, I venture, […]