“Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat;”Who sings for nobles, he should noble be.There’s no non sequitur, I think, in that,And this is logic plain as a, b, c.Now, Hector Stuart, you’re a Scottish prince,If right you fathom your descent–that fallFrom grace; and since you have no peers, and sinceYou have no kind of […]

The Devil stood before the gateOf Heaven. He had a single mate:Behind him, in his shadow, slunkClay Sheets in a perspiring funk.“Saint Peter, see this season ticket,”Said Satan; “pray undo the wicket.”The sleepy Saint threw slight regardUpon the proffered bit of card,Signed by some clerical dead-beats:“Admit the bearer and Clay Sheets.”Peter expanded all his eyes:“‘Clay […]

So, Estee, you are still alive! I thoughtThat you had died and were a blessed ghostI know at least your coffin once was boughtWith Railroad money; and ’twas said by mostHistorians that Stanford made a boastThe seller “threw you in.” That goes for naught–Man takes delight in fancy’s fine inventions,And woman too, ’tis said, if […]

Sweet Auburn! liveliest village of the plain,Where Health and Slander welcome every train,Whence smiling innocence, its tribute paid,Retires in terror, wounded and dismayed–Dear lovely bowers of gossip and disease,Whose climate cures us that thy dames may tease,How often have I knelt upon thy greenAnd prayed for death, to mitigate their spleen!How often have I paused […]

The apparel does not proclaim the man–Polonius lied like a partisan,And Salomon still would a hero seemIf (Heaven dispel the impossible dream!)He stood in a shroud on the hangman’s trap,His eye burning holes in the black, black cap.And the crowd below would exclaim amain:“He’s ready to fall for his country again!”

Good friend, it is with deep regret I noteThe latest, strangest turning of your coat;Though any way you wear that mental cloutThe seamy side seems always to be out.Who could have thought that you would e’er sustainThe Southern shotgun’s arbitrary reign!–Your sturdy hand assisting to replaceThe broken yoke on a delivered race;The ballot’s purity no […]

Editor Owen, of San Jose,Commonly known as “our friend J.J.”Weary of scribbling for daily bread,Weary of writing what nobody read,Slept one day at his desk and dreamedThat an angel before him stood and beamedWith compassionate eyes upon him there. Editor Owen is not so fairIn feature, expression, form or limbBut glances like that are familiar […]

Ye parasites that to the rich men stick,As to the fattest sheep the thrifty tick–Ed’ard to Stanford and to Crocker Ben(To Ben and Ed’ard many meaner men,And lice to these)–who do the kind of workThat thieves would have the honesty to shirk–Whose wages are that your employers ownThe fat that reeks upon your every boneAnd […]

I should like, good friends, to mention the disaster which befellMr. William Perry Peters, of the town of Muscatel,Whose fate is full of meaning, if correctly understood–Admonition to the haughty, consolation to the good. It happened in the hot snap which we recently incurred,When ’twas warm enough to carbonize the feathers of a bird,And men […]

As some enormous violet that towersColossal o’er the heads of lowlier flowers–Its giant petals royally displayed,And casting half the landscape into shade;Delivering its odors, like the blowsOf some strong slugger, at the public nose;Pride of two Nations–for a single StateWould scarce suffice to sprout a plant so great;So Leverson’s humility, outgrownThe meaner virtues that he […]

The trumpet sounded and the deadCame forth from earth and ocean,And Pickering arose and spedAloft with wobbling motion. “What makes him fly lop-sided?” criedA soul of the elected.“One ear was wax,” a rogue replied,“And isn’t resurrected.” Below him on the pitted plain,By his abandoned hollow,His hair and teeth tried all in vainThe rest of him […]

Ah, welcome, welcome! Sit you down, old friend;Your pipe I’ll serve, your bottle I’ll attend.‘Tis many a year since you and I have knownSociety more pleasant than our ownIn our brief respites from excessive work–I pointing out the hearts for you to dirk.What have you done since lately at this boardWe canvassed the deserts of […]

The Chinatown at BakersfieldWas blazing bright and high;The flames to water would not yield,Though torrents drenched the skyAnd drowned the ground for miles around–The houses were so dry. Then rose an aged preacher manWhom all did much admire,Who said: “To force on you my planI truly don’t aspire,But streams, it seems, might quench these beamsIf […]

When Dr. Bill Bartlett stepped out of the humOf Mammon’s distracting and wearisome strifeTo stand and deliver a lecture on “SomeConditions of Intellectual Life,”I cursed the offender who gave him the hallTo lecture on any conditions at all! But he rose with a fire divine in his eye,Haranguing with endless abundance of breath,Till I slept; […]

[Charles Main, of the firm of Main & Winchester, has ordered a grand mausoleum for his plot in Mountain View Cemetery.–City Newspaper.] Charles Main, of Main & Winchester, attendWith friendly ear the chit-chat of a friendWho knows you not, yet knows that you and heTravel two roads that have a common end. We journey forward […]

Well, Mr. Kemble, you are called, I think,A great divine, and I’m a great profane.You as a Congregationalist blinkSome certain truths that I esteem a gain,And drop them in the coffers of my brain,Pleased with the pretty music of their chink.Perhaps your spiritual wealth is suchA golden truth or two don’t count for much. You […]

Good Parson Dickson preached, I’m told,A sermon–ah, ’twas very oldAnd very, very, bald!‘Twas all about–I know not whatIt was about, nor what ’twas not.“A Screw Loose” it was called. Whatever, Parson Dick, you say,The world will get each blessed dayStill more and more askew,And fall apart at last. Great snakes!What skillful tinker ever takesHis tongue […]

A cook adorned with paper cap,Or waiter with a tray,May be a worthy kind of chapIn his way,But when we want one for Recorder,Then, Mr. Walton, take our order.

Frank Pixley, you, who kiss the handThat strove to cut the country’s throat,Cannot forgive the hands that smoteApplauding in a distant land,– Applauding carelessly, as oneThe weaker willing to befriendUntil the quarrel’s at an end,Then learn by whom it was begun. When North was pitted against SouthNon-combatants on either sideIn calculating fury vied,And fought their […]

The Swan of Avon died–the SwanOf Sacramento’ll soon be gone;And when his death-song he shall coo,Stand back, or it will kill you too.