Jerome Bowles (said the gentleman called Swiddler) was to be hanged on Friday, the ninth of November, at five o’clock in the afternoon. This was to occur at the town of Flatbroke, where he was then in prison. Jerome was my friend, and naturally I differed with the jury that had convicted him as to […]

Mr. Algernon Jarvis, of San Francisco, got up cross. The world of Mr. Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, as one’s world is likely to do when one sits up till morning with jovial friends, to watch it, and he was prone to resentment. No sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a neat, […]

The spectroscope is a singularly beautiful and delicate instrument, consisting, essentially, of a prism of glass, which, decomposing the light of any heavenly body to which the instrument is directed, presents a spectrum, or long bar of color. Crossing this are narrow, dark and bright lines produced by the gases of metals in combustion, whereby […]

From Mr. Jabez Hope, in Chicago, to Mr. Pike Wandel, of New Orleans, December 2, 1877. I will not bore you, my dear fellow, with a narrative of my journey from New Orleans to this polar region. It is cold in Chicago, believe me, and the Southron who comes here, as I did, without a […]

“It’s all very well fer you Britishers to go assin’ about the country tryin’ to strike the trail o’ the mines you’ve salted down yer loose carpital in,” said Colonel Jackhigh, setting his empty glass on the counter and wiping his lips with his coat sleeve; “but w’en it comes to hoss racin’, w’y I’ve […]

A bear, having spread him a notable feast,Invited a famishing fox to the place.“I’ve killed me,” quoth he, “an edible beastAs ever distended the girdle of priestWith ‘spread of religion,’ or ‘inward grace.’To my den I conveyed her,I bled her and flayed her,I hung up her skin to dry;Then laid her naked, to keep her […]

‘Twas an Injin chieftain, in feathers all fine,Who stood on the ocean’s rim;There were numberless leagues of excellent brine–But there wasn’t enough for him.So he knuckled a thumb in his painted eye,And added a tear to the scant supply. The surges were breaking with thund’rous voice,The winds were a-shrieking shrill;This warrior thought that a trifle […]

A Weak Man going down-hill met a Strong Man going up, and said: “I take this direction because it requires less exertion, not from choice. I pray you, sir, assist me to regain the summit.” “Gladly,” said the Strong Man, his face illuminated with the glory of his thought. “I have always considered my strength […]

“What a happy land you are!” said a Republican Form of Government to a Sovereign State. “Be good enough to lie still while I walk upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man […]

A Traveller arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plain outside the wall, filled with struggling and shouting men. While he looked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the Throng and took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood, the crowd being too intent upon hammering one […]

A Snake swallowing a frog head-first was approached by a Naturalist with a stick. “Ah, my deliverer,” said the Snake as well as he could, “you have arrived just in time; this reptile, you see, is pitching into me without provocation.” “Sir,” replied the Naturalist, “I need a snakeskin for my collection, but if you […]

A Truly Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to his sisters and his cousins and his aunts of both sexes, was approached by a Tatterdemalion, who applied for a loan of one hundred thousand dollars. “What security have you to offer?” asked the Truly Pious Person. “The best in the world,” […]

A Statesman who had saved his country was returning from Washington on foot, when he met a Race Horse going at full speed, and stopped it. “Turn about and travel the other way,” said the Statesman, “and I will keep you company as far as my home. The advantages of travelling together are obvious.” “I […]

A Celebrated Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible, was asked why, then, he preached the religion founded upon it. “If it is fallible,” he replied, “there is the greater reason that I explain it, lest it mislead.” “Then am I to infer,” said his Questioner, “that you are not fallible?” “You are to […]

A Policeman, finding a man that had fallen in a fit, said, “This man is drunk,” and began beating him on the head with his club. A passing Citizen said: “Why do you murder a man that is already harmless?” Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the Citizen, who, after […]

An Ambitious Writer, distinguished for the condition of his linen, was travelling the high road to fame, when he met a Tramp. “What is the matter with your shirt?” inquired the Tramp. “It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the characteristic of genius,” replied the Ambitious Writer, contemptuously passing him by. Resting […]

Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for public service. “The reward which I most desire,” said the First Politician, “is the gratitude of my fellow-citizens.” “That would be very gratifying, no doubt,” said the Second Politician, “but, alas! in order to obtain it one has to retire from politics.” For an instant they […]

Standing within the triple wall of Hell,And flattening his nose against a grateBehind whose brazen bars he’d had to dwellA thousand million ages to that date,Stoneman bewailed his melancholy fate,And his big tear-drops, boiling as they fell,Had worn between his feet, the record mentions,A deep depression in the “good intentions.” Imperfectly by memory taught how–For […]

So, Governor, you would not serve againAlthough we’d all agree to pay you double.You find it all is vanity and pain–One clump of clover in a field of stubble–One grain of pleasure in a peck of trouble.‘Tis sad, at your age, having to complainOf disillusion; but the fault is whoseWhen pigmies stumble, wearing giants’ shoes? […]

Now Lonergan appears upon the boards,And Truth and Error sheathe their lingual swords.No more in wordy warfare to engage,The commentators bow before the stage,And bookworms, militant for ages past,Confess their equal foolishness at last,Reread their Shakspeare in the newer lightAnd swear the meaning’s obvious to sight.For centuries the question has been hot:Was Hamlet crazy, or […]