While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching […]

The city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence. The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried jackass to the […]

A Man to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in order to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. […]

A Chief of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal. “Don’t be too hard on me,” said the Officer, smiling; “I was beating him with a stuffed club.” “Nevertheless,” persisted the Chief of Police, “it was a […]

The Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of all the cells when a mechanic said to him: “Those locks can all be opened from the inside–you are very imprudent.” The Warden did not look up from his work, but said: “If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would […]

An Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes […]

A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was carrying a hat-box. “What have you in the hat-box, my friend?” inquired the Pugilist. “A new frown,” was the answer. “I am bringing it from the frownery–the one over there with the gilded steeple.” “And what are you going to do with the nice […]

Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying: “May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are […]

A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said: “Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the […]

The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote him as follows: “Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your Minister from my capital.” Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar replied: “I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do […]

A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said: “I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear that […]

A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but one. “Down, you base thing!” thundered the Moral Principle, “and let me pass over you!” The Material Interest merely looked in the other’s eyes without saying anything. “Ah,” said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, “let us draw lots to see which shall […]

That is she in the old black silk–the one with the gimlet curls and the accelerated lap-cat. Doesn’t she average about as I set her forth? “Never told you anything about her?” Well, I will. Twenty years ago, many a young man, of otherwise good character, would have ameliorated his condition for that girl; and […]

Very talkative people always seemed to me to be divided into two classes–those who lie for a purpose and those who lie for the love of lying; and Sam Baxter belonged, with broad impartiality, to both. With him falsehood was not more frequently a means than an end; for he would not only lie without […]

“I was looking for my horse one morning, up in the San Joaquin Valley,” said old Sandy Fowler, absently stirring the camp fire, “when I saw a big bull grizzly lying in the sunshine, picking his teeth with his claws, and smiling, as if he said, ‘You need not mind the horse, old fellow; he’s […]

Dad Petto, as everybody called him, had a dog, upon whom he lavished an amount of affection which, had it been disbursed in a proper quarter, would have been adequate to the sentimental needs of a dozen brace of lovers. The name of this dog was Jerusalem, but it might more properly have been Dan-to-Beersheba. […]

Pollimariar was the daughter of a Mussulman–she was, in fact, a Mussulgirl. She lived at Stamboul, the name of which is an admirable rhyme to what Pollimariar was profanely asserted to be by her two sisters, Djainan and Djulya. These were very much older than Pollimariar, and proportionately wicked. In wickedness they could discount her, […]

Colonel Bulper was of a slumberous turn. Most people are not: they work all day and sleep all night–are always in one or the other condition of unrest, and never slumber. Such persons, the Colonel used to remark, are fit only for sentry duty; they are good to watch our property while we take our […]

AN EDITORIAL ARTICLE FROM A JOURNAL. OF MAY 3rd, A.D. 3873. At the quiet little village of Smithcester (the ancient London) will be celebrated to-day the twentieth, centennial anniversary of this remarkable man, the foremost figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what, no longer than six centuries ago, was a popular fete day, and which […]

Bladud was the eldest son of a British King (whose name I perfectly remember, but do not choose to write) temp. Solomon–who does not appear to have known Bladud, however. Bladud was, therefore, Prince of Wales. He was more than that: he was a leper–had it very bad, and the Court physician, Sir William Gull, […]