An Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he loved, was bewailing his indiscretion in sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses, when the Angel of Compassion looked down upon him, saying: “Poor mortal!–how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing at another’s misfortune!” So saying, he let fall a great tear, which, […]

Jamrach the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking Person who sat by the wayside. “Take that road,” said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; “it is known as the Political […]

An Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor for wooden guns to practise with. “Those,” they explained, “will be cheaper than real ones.” “It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy,” said the Governor. “You shall have real guns.” “Thank you, thank you,” cried the warriors, effusively. “We will […]

An Object was walking along the King’s highway wrapped in meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself at the gates of a strange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King. “Who are you,” said the King, “and what is your […]

The Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching his guitar, awaited the inspection. When the Noser came to the note he asked, “What’s this?” “That,” said the […]

A Cat was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb. “Well,” said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, “how do you like me?” “I can imagine a King,” said the Cat, “whom I should like better.” “For example?” “The King of the Mice.” The sovereign was so pleased with the […]

The Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a four-column account of the event. “How much?” said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from his essay on the circularity of the political horizon. “One hundred and sixty dollars,” replied the man who had discovered […]

A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged in fascinating a small bird. “How are you getting on, brother?” the Man called out to the other reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion. […]

A Drunken Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose, upon which he had fallen, when a Pig passed that way. “You wallow fairly well,” said the Pig, “but, my fine fellow, you have much to learn about rooting.”

Some Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth because the Government had “struck down” silver, and were about to “inaugurate” a season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a Member of their honourable and warlike body: “Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but regard it as singularly fortunate […]

An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard for several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church: “Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear fruit abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have one fourth.” The Holy Deacon did so, and putting […]

“Your Honour,” said an Attorney, rising, “what is the present status of this case–as far as it has gone?” “I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will,” said the Court, “put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questions relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate in […]

A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away, procured a pistol and shot him dead. “Why did you do that, Madam?” inquired a Policeman, sauntering by. “Because,” replied the Married Woman, “he was a wicked man, and had purchased a ticket to Chicago.” “My sister,” said an adjacent Man of God, […]

“My boy,” said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, “a hot temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak.” No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from the paternal walking-stick, and […]

A Man Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning. “You see,” said the Lightning, as it crept past him inch by inch, “I can travel considerably faster than you.” “Yes,” the Man Running for Office replied, “but think how much longer I keep going!”

Seeing that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpit stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. He then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed his discourse, making no allusion to […]

A Judge having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of reformation. “Your Honour,” said the Malefactor, interrupting, “would you be kind enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and nothing else?” “Why,” said the Judge, surprised, “I […]

A Hunter who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself from the rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, for the Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws. In the midst of his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, and managed to attract […]

A Rattlesnake came home to his brood and said: “My children, gather about and receive your father’s last blessing, and see how a Christian dies.” “What ails you, Father?” asked the Small Snakes. “I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal,” was the reply, accompanied by the ominous death-rattle.

A Public Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed: “Mr. Shareman, I move for a division.” “You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech,” said the Two Arms. “Yes,” replied the Public Treasury, “I am familiar with the hauls of legislation.”