Newman, in you two parasites combine:As tapeworm and as graveworm too you shine.When on the virtues of the quick you’ve dwelt,The pride of residence was all you felt(What vain vulgarian the wish ne’er knewTo paint his lodging a flamboyant hue?)And when the praises of the dead you’ve sung,‘Twas appetite, not truth, inspired your tongue;As ill-bred […]

Says Gerald Massey: “When I write, a bandOf souls of the departed guides my hand.”How strange that poems cumbering our shelves,Penned by immortal parts, have none themselves!

Baffled he stands upon the track–The automatic switches clack. Where’er he turns his solemn eyesThe interlocking signals rise. The trains, before his visage pale,Glide smoothly by, nor leave the rail. No splinter-spitted victim heHears uttering the note high C. In sorrow deep he hangs his head,A-weary–would that he were dead. Now suddenly his spirits rise–A […]

A Party Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own business: “How much will you pay for a nomination to office?” “Nothing,” the Gentleman replied. “But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist in your election, will you not?” asked the Party Manager, winking. “Oh, no,” said the Gentleman, […]

An ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs. “Sir,” said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, “were you not once in the State Senate?” “Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you,” was the reply. “I was a member of […]

A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin: “Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentence should not be passed upon you?” “Will what I say make any difference?” asked the Convicted Assassin. “I do not see how it can,” the Judge answered, reflectively. “No, it will not.” “Then,” said the doomed […]

An Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons loadedwith balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus, halted inthe midst of a desert, where there had been no rain for ten years, andset up a camp. After several months of preparation and an expenditure ofa million dollars all was in readiness, and a […]

The people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka and set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and wounding twelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to apologise or pay, the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying that it was necessary to show that Novakatkans must […]

While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention of his species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said: “By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made ineligible to a seat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek representation through you.” “It will give me […]

A Dog that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy patient, said: “When do you expect to dig it up?” “Why should I dig it up?” the Physician asked. “When I bury a bone,” said the Dog, “it is with an intention to uncover it later and pick it.” “The bones that […]

After a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer had succeeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by a Native Galeut who lived there. “Good morning,” said the Native Galeut. “I’m very glad to see you, but why did you come here?” “Glory,” said the Daring Explorer, curtly. “Yes, yes, […]

A Man who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an Optimist, met a man who had experienced an optimist and was a Cynic. So the Cynic turned out of the road to let the Optimist roll by in his gold carriage. “My son,” said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, “you look as […]

“My dear sir,” said the editor to the man, who had called to see about his poem, “I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate altercation in this office the greater part of your manuscript is illegible; a bottle of ink was upset upon it, blotting out all but the first line–that is to […]

A Successful Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief, expressed a wish to see him and shake hands. “No,” replied the Thief, “there are some things which I will not take–among them your hand.” “You must use a little strategy,” said a Philosopher to whom the Successful Man of Business had reported […]

Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing the evening’s adventures. “I stood up the Chief of Police,” said the First Footpad, “and I got away with what he had.” “And I,” said the Second Footpad, “stood up the United States District Attorney, and got away with–“ “Good Lord!” interrupted the other […]

A Big Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to terrify its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the latter’s principal port. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships of war from all over the world, and was about to send them three hundred and fifty thousand miles to the place […]

A Negro in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator, and, thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of shingles it would make for his new cabin. Having satisfied his mind on that point, he stuck his boat-hook into the beast’s back to harvest his good fortune. Thereupon the saurian emerged […]

During the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of Maryland with a pass from the President to join Grant’s army and see the fighting. Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop of a well-known optician and ordered seven powerful telescopes, one for every day in the week. In recognition of […]

Several Political Entities were dividing the spoils. “I will take the management of the prisons,” said a Decent Respect for Public Opinion, “and make a radical change.” “And I,” said the Blotted Escutcheon, “will retain my present general connection with affairs, while my friend here, the Soiled Ermine, will remain in the Judiciary.” The Political […]

A Person with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted, and said: “Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of Abnormal Proboscidians, of which I am the High Noble Toby and Surreptitious Treasurer. Two months ago I was the only member. One month ago there were two. To-day […]