I This is how I became a West African mining magnate with a stake in the Empire. During February I grew suddenly tired of waiting for the summer to begin. London in the summer is a pleasant place, and chiefly so because you can keep on buying evening papers to see what Kent is doing. […]

William Bales–as nice a young man as ever wore a cummerbund on an esplanade–was in despair. For half an hour he and Miss Spratt had been sitting in silence on the pier, and it was still William’s turn to say something. Miss Spratt’s last remark had been, “Oh, Mr. Bales, you do say things!” and […]

The time for a summer holiday is May, June. July, August, and September–with, perhaps a fortnight in October if the weather holds up. But it is difficult to cram all this into the few short weeks allowed to most of us. We are faced accordingly with the business of singling out one month from the […]

Jeremy was looking at a card which his wife had just passed across the table to him. “‘Lady Bendish. At Home,’” he read. “‘Pets.’ Is this for us?” “Of course,” said Mrs. Jeremy. “Then I think ‘Pets’ is rather familiar. ‘Mr. and Mrs. J. P. Smith’ would have been more correct.” “Don’t be silly, Jeremy. […]

“Tell me a story,” said Margery. “What sort of a story?” “A fairy story, because it’s Christmas-time.” “But you know all the fairy stories.” “Then tell me a new fairy story.” “Right,” I said. Once upon a time there was a King who had three sons. The eldest son was a very thoughtful youth. He […]

Imagine us, if you can, sitting one on each side of the fire, I with my feet on the mantelpiece, Margery curled up in the blue arm-chair, both of us intent on the morning paper. To me, by good chance, has fallen the sporting page; to Margery the foreign, political, and financial intelligence of the […]

There is a story of a boy who was asked to name ten animals which inhabit the polar regions. After a little thought he answered, “Six penguins and four seals.” In the same way I suspect that, if you were asked to give the names of any three Lord Mayors of London, you would say, […]

“Do you happen to want,” I said to Henry, “an opera hat that doesn’t op? At least it only works on one side.” “No,” said Henry. “To any one who buys my opera hat for a large sum I am giving away four square yards of linoleum, a revolving book-case, two curtain rods, a pair […]

Of course, I had always known that a medical examination was a necessary preliminary to insurance, but in my own case I had expected the thing to be the merest formality. The doctor, having seen at a glance what a fine, strong, healthy fellow I was, would look casually at my tongue, apologise for having […]

I.–THE DAY Probably you thought that getting married was quite a simple business. So did I. We were both wrong; it is the very dickens. Of course, I am not going to draw back now. As I keep telling Celia, her Ronald is a man of powerful fibre, and when he says he will do […]

Spring calls to us to be up and about. It shouts to us to stand bareheaded upon hills and look down upon little woods and tiny red cottages, and away up to where the pines stand straight into the sky. Let the road, thin and white, wander on alone; we shall meet it again, and […]

“It was very nice of you to invite me to give you lunch,” I said, “and if only the waiter would bring the toast I should be perfectly happy. I can’t say more.” “Why not?” said Miss Middleton, looking up. “Oh, I see.” “And now,” I said, when I had finished my business with a […]

Last Wednesday, being the anniversary of the Wednesday before, Celia gave me a present of a door-knocker. The knocker was in the shape of an elephant’s head (not life-size); and by bumping the animal’s trunk against his chin you could produce a small brass noise. “It’s for the library,” she explained eagerly. “You’re going to […]

“We must really do something about the bath,” said Celia. “We must,” I agreed. At present what we do is this. Punctually at six-thirty or nine, or whenever it is, Celia goes in to make herself clean and beautiful for the new day, while I amuse myself with a razor. After a quarter of an […]

Yes, a gardener’s life is a disappointing one. When it was announced that we were just too late for everything this year, I decided to buy some ready-made gardens and keep them about the house, until such time as Nature was ready to co-operate. So now I have three gardens. This enables me to wear […]

“We want some more coal,” said Celia suddenly at breakfast. “Sorry,” I said, engrossed in my paper, and I passed her the marmalade. “More coal,” she repeated. I pushed across the toast. Celia sighed and held up her hand. “Please may I speak to you a moment?” she said, trying to snap her fingers. “Good; […]

What I say is this: A man has his own work to do. He slaves at the office all day, earning a living for those dependent on him, and when he comes home he may reasonably expect not to be bothered with domestic business. I am sure you will agree with me. And you would […]

We have eight clocks, called after the kind people who gave them to us. Let me introduce you: William, Edward, Muriel, Enid, Alphonse, Percy, Henrietta, and John–a large family. “But how convenient,” said Celia. “Exactly one for each room.” “Or two in each corner of the drawing-room. I don’t suggest it; I just throw out […]

We were resting after the first battle of the Somme. Naturally all the talk in the Mess was of after-the-war. Ours was the H.Q. Mess, and I was the only subaltern; the youngest of us was well over thirty. With a gravity befitting our years and (except for myself) our rank, we discussed not only […]

As soon as we had joined the ladies after dinner Gerald took up a position in front of the fire. “Now that the long winter evenings are upon us,” he began—- “Anyhow, it’s always dark at half-past nine,” said Norah. “Not in the morning,” said Dennis, who has to be excused for anything foolish he […]