I am become an Authority on Birds. It happened in this way. The other day we heard the Cuckoo in Hampshire. (The next morning the papers announced that the Cuckoo had been heard in Devonshire–possibly a different one, but in no way superior to ours except in the matter of its Press agent.) Well, everybody […]

Before I introduce Bingo I must say a word for Humphrey, his sparring partner. Humphrey found himself on the top of my stocking last December, put there, I fancy, by Celia, though she says it was Father Christmas. He is a small yellow dog, with glass optics, and the label round his neck said, “His […]

My daily paper just now is full of mathematical difficulties, submitted by its readers for the amusement of one of its staff. Every morning he appeals to us for assistance in solving tricky little problems about pints of water and herrings and rectangular fields. The magic number “9” has a great fascination for him. It […]

Whatever the papers say, it was the hottest afternoon of the year. At six-thirty I had just finished dressing after my third cold bath since lunch, when Celia tapped on the door. “I want you to do something for me,” she said. “It’s a shame to ask you on a day like this.” “It is […]

You’ve heard of Willy Ferrero, the Boy Conductor? A musical prodigy, seven years old, who will order the fifth oboe out of the Albert Hall as soon as look at him. Well, he has a rival. Willy, as perhaps you know, does not play any instrument himself; he only conducts. His rival (Johnny, as I […]

“Are you taking me to the Flower Show this afternoon?” asked Celia at breakfast. “No,” I said thoughtfully; “no.” “Well, that’s that. What other breakfast conversation have I? Have you been to any theatres lately?” “Do you really want to go to the Flower Show?” I asked. “Because I don’t believe I could bear it.” […]

The shops are putting on their Christmas dress. The cotton-wool, that time-hallowed substitute for snow, is creeping into the plate-glass windows; the pink lace collars are encircling again the cakes; and the “charming wedding or birthday present” of a week ago renews its youth as a “suitable Yuletide gift.” Everything calls to us to get […]

I was talking to a very stupid man the other day. He was the stupidest man I have come across for many years. It is a hard thing to say of any man, but he appeared to me to be entirely lacking in intellect. It was Celia who introduced me to him. She had rung […]

“Why don’t you write a war story?” said Celia one autumn day when that sort of story was popular. “Because everybody else does,” I said. “I forget how many bayonets we have on the Western Front, but there must be at least twice as many fountain-pens.” “It needn’t be about the Western Front.” “Unfortunately that’s […]

Sydney Smith, or Napoleon or Marcus Aurelius (somebody about that time) said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You were either there or not […]

Every now and then doctors slap me about and ask me if I was always as thin as this. “As thin as what?” I say with as much dignity as is possible to a man who has had his shirt taken away from him. “As thin as this,” says the doctor, hooking his stethoscope on […]

In the castle of which I am honorary baron we are in the middle of an orgy of “getting things done.” It must always be so, I suppose, when one moves into a new house. After the last furniture van has departed, and the painters’ bill has been receipted, one feels that one can now […]

As soon as Celia had got a cheque-book of her own (and I had explained the mysteries of “—- & Co.” to her), she looked round for a safe investment of her balance, which amounted to several pounds. My offers, first of an old stocking and afterwards of mines, mortgages and aerated breads, were rejected […]

(THE LAST OF THE WAR STORIES) I The Colonel of the Nth Blankshires was seated in his office. It was not an imposing room to look at. Furnished simply but tastefully with a table, officers, for use of, one, and a chair, ditto, one, it gave little evidence of the distressing scenes which had been […]

“As man of the world,” said Blake, stretching himself to his full height of five foot three, and speaking with the wisdom of nineteen years, “I say that it can’t be done. In any other company, certainly; at headquarters, possibly; but not in D Company. D Company has a reputation.” “All I say,” said Rogers, […]

Having read lately an appreciation of that almost forgotten author Marryat, and having seen in the shilling box of a second-hand bookseller a few days afterward a copy of Masterman Ready, I went in and bought the same. I had read it as a child, and remembered vaguely that it combined desert-island adventure with a […]

Occasionally I receive letters from friends, whom I have not seen lately, addressed to Lieutenant M —- and apologizing prettily inside in case I am by now a colonel; in drawing-rooms I am sometimes called “Captain-er”; and up at the Fort the other day a sentry of the Royal Defence Corps, wearing the Crecy medal, […]

CHAPTER I The Joke was born one October day in the trench called Mechanics, not so far from Loos. We had just come back into the line after six days in reserve, and, the afternoon being quiet, I was writing my daily letter to Celia. I was telling her about our cat, imported into our […]

My pipe being indubitably smoked out to the last grain, I put it in my pocket and went slowly up to the nursery, trying to feel as much like that impersonation of a bear which would inevitably be demanded of me as is possible to a man of mild temperament. But I had alarmed myself […]

Ladies first, so we will start with Jenny. Jenny is only nine, but she has been to the seaside before and knows all about it. She wears the fashionable costume de plage, which consists of a white linen hat, a jersey and an overcrowded pair of bathing-drawers, into which not only Jenny, but the rest […]