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An’ when the war began, we chased the bold Afghan,
An’ we made the bloomin’ Ghazi for to flee, boys O!
An’ we marched into Kabul, an’ we tuk the Balar ‘Issar
An’ we taught ’em to respec’ the British Soldier.
Barrack Room Ballad.

Mulvaney, Ortheris and Learoyd are Privates in B Company of a Line Regiment, and personal friends of mine. Collectively I think, but am not certain, they are the worst men in the regiment so far as genial blackguardism goes.

They told me this story, in the Umballa Refreshment Room while we were waiting for an up-train. I supplied the beer. The tale was cheap at a gallon and a half.

All men know Lord Benira Trig. He Is a Duke, or an Earl, or something unofficial; also a Peer; also a Globe-trotter. On all three counts, as Ortheris says, “‘e didn’t deserve no consideration.” He was out in India for three months collecting materials for a book on “Our Eastern Impedimenta,” and quartering himself upon everybody, like a Cossack in evening-dress.

His particular vice–because he was a Radical, men said–was having garrisons turned out for his inspection. He would then dine with the Officer Commanding, and insult him, across the Mess table, about the appearance of the troops. That was Benira’s way.

He turned out troops once too often. He came to Helanthami Cantonment on a Tuesday. He wished to go shopping in the bazars on Wednesday, and he “desired” the troops to be turned out on a Thursday. On–a–Thursday. The Officer Commanding could not well refuse; for Benira was a Lord. There was an indignation-meeting of subalterns in the Mess Room, to call the Colonel pet names.

“But the rale dimonstrashin,” said Mulvaney, “was in B Comp’ny barrick; we three headin’ it.”

Mulvaney climbed on to the refreshment-bar, settled himself comfortably by the beer, and went on, “Whin the row was at ut’s foinest an’ B Comp’ny was fur goin’ out to murther this man Thrigg on the p’rade-groun’, Learoyd here takes up his helmut an’ sez–fwhat was ut ye said?”

“Ah said,” said Learoyd, “gie us t’ brass. Tak oop a subscripshun, lads, for to put off t’ p’rade, an’ if t’ p’rade’s not put off, ah’ll gie t’ brass back agean. Thot’s wot ah said. All B Coomp’ny knawed me. Ah took oop a big subscripshun–fower rupees eight annas ’twas–an’ ah went oot to turn t’ job over. Mulvaney an’ Orth’ris coom with me.”

“We three raises the Divil In couples gin’rally,” explained Mulvaney.

Here Ortheris interrupted. “‘Ave you read the papers?” said he.

“Sometimes,” I said,

“We ‘ad read the papers, an’ we put hup a faked decoity, a–a sedukshun.”

“Abdukshin, ye cockney,” said Mulvaney.

“Abdukshin or sedukshun–no great odds. Any’ow, we arranged to taik an’ put Mister Benhira out o’ the way till Thursday was hover, or ‘e too busy to rux ‘isself about p’raids. Hi was the man wot said, ‘We’ll make a few rupees off o’ the business.'”

“We hild a Council av War,” continued Mulvaney, “walkin’ roun’ by the Artill’ry Lines. I was Prisidint, Learoyd was Minister av Finance, an’ little Orth’ris here was”–

“A bloomin’ Bismarck! Hi made the ‘ole show pay.”

“This interferin’ bit av a Benira man,” said Mulvaney, “did the thrick for us himself; for, on me sowl, we hadn’t a notion av what was to come afther the next minut. He was shoppin’ in the bazar on fut. Twas dhrawin’ dusk thin, an’ we stud watchin’ the little man hoppin’ in an’ out av the shops, thryin’ to injuce the naygurs to mallum his bat. Prisintly, he sthrols up, his arrums full av thruck, an’ he sez in a consiquinshal way, shticking out his little belly, ‘Me good men,’ sez he, ‘have ye seen the Kernel’s b’roosh?’–‘B’roosh?’ says Learoyd. ‘There’s no b’roosh here–nobbut a hekka.’–‘Fwhat’s that?’ sez Thrigg. Learoyd shows him wan down the sthreet, an’ he sez, ‘How thruly Orientil! I will ride on a hekka.’ I saw thin that our Rigimintal Saint was for givin’ Thrigg over to us neck an’ brisket. I purshued a hekka, an’ I sez to the dhriver-divil, I sez, ‘Ye black limb, there’s a Sahib comin’ for this hekka. He wants to go jildi to the Padsahi Jhil’–’twas about tu moiles away–‘to shoot snipe–chirria. You dhrive Jehannum ke marfik, mallum–like Hell? ‘Tis no manner av use bukkin’ to the Sahib, bekaze he doesn’t samjao your talk. Av he bolos anything, just you choop and chel. Dekker? Go arsty for the first arder-mile from cantonmints. Thin chel, Shaitan ke marfik, an’ the chooper you choops an’ the jildier you chels the better kooshy will that Sahib be; an’ here’s a rupee for ye?’